Thursday, September 11, 2003

Isolation

this is probably the best word i can use to describe my predicament currently. feel so out of touch with the rest of the world out there. been cooping myself up at home since the start of the holidays. was supposed to do some sorta revision for my promos(2nd time i'm doing this shit) but somehow i just end up slacking and rotting my bum off.
why isolation then some of you may ask. well, it's probably because i'm alone at home most of the time(around 95%). mum's went back to her hometown in Ipoh to visit my grandparents and dad has to work so i'm all alone at home most of the time. ya. that's the whole situation currently. it sure has been a long time since i've blogged. wanted to do so several days ago but somehow i'm dragging it until now then i'm really starting to do some serious blogging. nothing much has changed since that time i blogged. maybe there has been some changes i do not know. i just cant be bothered look out for minute changes around me or about me. maybe i'm a happier person now(am i?) some of you may say coz somehow things have been going on rather smoothly for me. some has told me that i'm a lucky guy coz everything's smooth sailing for me...got myself a gf(finally. in case some of you do not know.), been passing my tests so far(no i did not cheat), and somehow managed to be appointed as the new captain of the ajc hockey team. i am indeed honoured to be appointed such a task but i do fear i will not be up to it. i do not deny that a part of me indeed covets after the title of captain but i do know my limits and i believe there are actually better choices out there and it should not be me who should lead the team.
it is stressful to be in such a position. very stressful. maybe it's because my captain has set such a high standard that i feel hard to achieve with what i am given. somehow the whole team would be looking up to me. thus i would need to motivate myself constantly to improve on my skills and my relationship with the people or else i may be ousted by them. sometimes i just feel so tired of doing everything i am doing right now coz it just doesnt seem to make much sense for me. is what i'm doing now worth it? what am i trying to prove? i am but a man. there is only this much i can do. if indeed miracles happen, then why isn't it happening to me? just feel that i'm beginning to lose the fervor and enthusiasm i used to have for this sport that i've grown to love. sometimes i just feel so tired...tired of living this kind of life.
people have asked me how i am able to find the energy to come to school everyday with only less than 4 hours of sleep and having to travel 2 hours or more from home everytime. i would normally dismiss such questions with 'i'm already used to it lah'. is there really such a thing as being 'used to it'? i don't know. how i wish i know. i suppose it's more of because of the fact that i have to travel so long everyday has become a part of my life. my destiny. my mistake. i don't know. after all, what else could i do? i've already come so far. there's no turning back now. all that i could do from now on is to continue to walk down this path and hope it ends someday. soon. sometimes i would think if i really made the correct choice in choosing to study so far away. i don't have an answer to that question. there doesn't seem to make much sense thinking about such stuff anyway. the choice is made. i've gotta do what i've gotta do. i do wonder why i have to be leading this kind of life at my age sometimes. it is tiring. but it's not up to me to decide. i'm already into this shit and there's no getting outta it; my life.
well, back to the topic. i've been feeling rather sad these few days(or at least i think i am). for no particular reason i suppose. maybe it's because i'm feelin too lonely and empty thoroughly. i do wonder sometimes...if i do meet with some mishap here...would anybody know? would anybody care? i do not know and i do not want to know. this is dumb. i seem to be feeling pessimistic about almost everything. it feels as if i've totally lost control of my life again. i'm afraid...afraid that my loved ones would eventually leave me as time goes by. and also, i'm afraid i would lose her. i'm trying very hard to make things work out fine. and i hope they do. am i trying too hard? is it all worth it? i sure hope they do. at least i think it is. sometimes i would just feel so totally shitty and am afraid of losing her. again. is everything but a dream to me? if it is a dream, then i wish i would never ever wake up from this dream of mine. let my life be good for once. what is real and what is not? who is friend and who is foe? i no longer know.
somehow managed to regain contact with a very old friend of mine. we're friends for about...11 years it seems. known him ever since i was P1. friends till now and forever. at least i hope so. is probably one of the few best friends i've had in my life. he's like a brother to me somehow. taught me a lot of stuff...and i must admit i have learnt a lot from him. admire his personality and his charisma. he's in australia studying now...and things seem to be going on pretty well for him too i suppose. he's not a real smart ass but he's a real nice guy and i am indeed glad that he came into my life. i am glad that many of you out there have been with me through the ups and downs in my life. i'll try my best not to forget each of you. never. thank you all for everything that you've done.

3 Doors Down - Here Without You

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
and I don�t think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I�m dreaming of your face

I�m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I�m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it�s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated
but I hope it gets better as we go

I�m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I�m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it�s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won�t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it�s all said and done
it get hard but it won�t take away my love

I�m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I�m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it�s only you and me

-forgot my name at 3:37 AM