name: zesin.
loves: life, music, photography.
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doppelganger.
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.: contact :.
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.: myspace :.
.: facebook :.
.: friendster :.
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.: reads :.
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.: dith :.
.: ming :.
.: sancia :.
.: huixian :.
.: renrong :.
.: yuzhong :.
.: siaowen :.
.: jiaquan :.
.: ah teck :.
.: chewy :.
.: justin :.
.: jing :.
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.: archive :.
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11.2002 12.2002 01.2003 02.2003 03.2003 04.2003 06.2003 07.2003 08.2003 09.2003 11.2003 12.2003 09.2004 10.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 03.2006 04.2006 05.2006 06.2006 07.2006 08.2006 09.2006 10.2006 11.2006 12.2006 01.2007 02.2007 03.2007 04.2007 05.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 09.2007 10.2007 11.2007 12.2007 01.2008 02.2008 03.2008 04.2008 05.2008 06.2008 07.2008 08.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 01.2009 02.2009 03.2009 04.2009 07.2009 12.2009 01.2010 04.2010
loves: life, music, photography.
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doppelganger.
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.: contact :.
- - - - - - - -
.: myspace :.
.: facebook :.
.: friendster :.
- - - - - - - -
.: reads :.
- - - - - - - -
.: dith :.
.: ming :.
.: sancia :.
.: huixian :.
.: renrong :.
.: yuzhong :.
.: siaowen :.
.: jiaquan :.
.: ah teck :.
.: chewy :.
.: justin :.
.: jing :.
- - - - - - - -
.: archive :.
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11.2002 12.2002 01.2003 02.2003 03.2003 04.2003 06.2003 07.2003 08.2003 09.2003 11.2003 12.2003 09.2004 10.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 03.2006 04.2006 05.2006 06.2006 07.2006 08.2006 09.2006 10.2006 11.2006 12.2006 01.2007 02.2007 03.2007 04.2007 05.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 09.2007 10.2007 11.2007 12.2007 01.2008 02.2008 03.2008 04.2008 05.2008 06.2008 07.2008 08.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 01.2009 02.2009 03.2009 04.2009 07.2009 12.2009 01.2010 04.2010
the end of heartache.
ain't got no idea why i'm feeling so down again today. maybe i do know. just that i choose not to know. that's kinda how life is for me. i suppose i have more or less decided on which course i'm gonna choose. but i ain't got the balls to go there and accept the course. why do i fear accepting the course that i think would be better. why do i even fear.
i ain't seem to be getting no peace at home ever since i'm back. i'm so torn apart by all the mysteries surrounding me. i so wanna go off to ipoh once again. so that i won't hafta deal with all this shit. i wanna get this fucking renovation over and done with so that i can get back my own room once more. so that i can lie on my bed and read my book till the wee hours of the night. so that i can bury myself in my pillow and cry out loud. so that i can turn the room upside down and rearrange it come the morrow. so that i can be at peace with myself once again.
everywhere i turn, i only get more puzzles instead of answers i am looking for. ain't got nobody who can give me the truth that i seek out there. i'm so fucking sick and tired of this shit. if only everyone could be more direct in their speech and thoughts. just like if you've got a problem with me, you need only tell me to fuck off and i'll tell you to fuck off but have a nice day too. that's kinda what i'm looking for. people to be frank to me. don't hafta gimme all that courtesy shit whereby you ain't even speaking what you're thinking of. i'd say fuck you and your shit and may you burn in hell bitch.
wouldn't it be nice if i could have a few more friends i could trust with my life. people whom i would gladly let them slit my throat and still hold on to the faith that they will bring me back to life. people who are true to me.
there are more than 6 billion people in this world, there has to be that someone whom you can totally connect with spiritually isn't it. i do so believe.
-forgot my name at 6:06 PM
had some sorta crappy dream this morning. i ain't someone who dreams often. somehow this dream seemed exceptionally clear to me whereby for once i could actually see the faces of the people in my dream clearly. doesn't make no sense somehow. half of the people in it are friends whom i haven't seen for years and the rest are people whom i ain't got no idea who yet their faces are surprisingly clear to me. they say you dream what you think, yet somehow it still ain't making sense. i'll devote the rest of the day to deciphering my own dream then. fuck me. and fuck you too.
-forgot my name at 12:54 PM
i honestly do wonder why i'm blogging so frequently these days. maybe i just need some place or rather someone to talk to. it all feels just like those days where i would sit up in the middle of the night and blog on and on ranting about myself and other stuff. i would just say i ain't got nothing much bout myself to rant about. have already done enough in the earlier parts of my blogging life. it just sorta lets me know myself better when i pen down my thoughts in words so that i could actually reflect on them and hopefully become a better person.
ain't no saint i am. i have let a whole lot of people down till now and a whole lot of people are probably still waiting to see my downfall one day. i don't know how i came up with that thought. but somehow that's just how life is. there are people who like you for who you are and what you do. others might just bear a starkly different view as to the shit that i've been doing. whoever gives a fuck anyway. i'mma do what i think is right.
isn't it amazing you could see 20 people online on your msn list but there ain't no one you can talk to? never mind. i'm probably just autistic.
-forgot my name at 3:56 AM
a long time ago.
well, as some of you may know. i went clubbing with the bunch of hockey guys just yesterday. i must say i've had a helluva good time. not simply because all of us were high and wild. but because it has brought back a lot of memories of the past. memories of me, dingy and jason dancing all through the night. it was crazy and dumb but fun nonetheless. those were the days and so was yesterday.
-forgot my name at 11:44 PM
hmm. is this test supposed to be accurate or what? the rest of the aspects seemed pretty true i suppose. but what's with the 100% risk of cheating man. you guys know i'd never do such a thing right? right? right? har. wrong?
-forgot my name at 11:08 PM
i beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies.
well i had a good day with arthur today. it's the first time we went out on a date together and it all turned out pretty fine i suppose. i do so love him i feel. he's just so like me in a way. always crapping about lots of shit online but we ain't half as chatty in real life. and there's so much more i can learn from someone like him believe it or not. i didn't know he was someone who reads so much till we went to kino today. i'm amazed that we sorta share the similar interests in books and about other finer things in life. like how we would think which girl is hot and which is not yet we could never gather enough balls to step up and ask for her phone number. that's so wussy i know. but that's us man. just wanna say this again: arthur i love you man.
well, it's about time i started reading intensively again i suppose. been wasting the past week away in stupid shit man. all these crap ain't getting nowhere i suppose. bought two other books again today. one was a sequel to a book i was previously reading and the other titled 'Lord of The Flies'. now i've got five and a half books to finish before school starts. cool.
-forgot my name at 3:17 AM
you get what you give.
yay i'm like blogging again immediately after posting the previous entry. it's just that a sudden thought struck me and i thought i ought to blog it down before i forget it or anything.
everyone has different interpretations of the word 'rich' or rather 'wealthy'. some would measure it in monetary terms say if the person has an annual income of 200k and above. or some would measure it materialistically (i ain't sure if there's such a word but you should get my drift) say if he can afford a BMW 7 series then he's definitely some rich fuck. i'd say fuck all that man.
most people these days are definitely very deeply influenced by all the advertising gimmicks around us. say for example the Mercedes Benz slogan 'driven by the driven'. so do you need to drive a Benz to show that you're driven? i don't think so.
being rich doesn't mean having all the luxurious material possessions in the whole world. from my personal point of view, being rich means how much more you could give than the average wage earner. that would be my definition of rich. if you can earn a fucking 10 million a year but you ain't forking out a cent to help those poor children in ethiopia or other parts of africa, you ain't rich man. you're just a fucked up person who cares only about wiping your ass with silk.
ever noticed the stuff i typed at the top left hand box on this page? i've never mentioned bout my dream to anyone. cos somehow it is but a dream still. nobody's gonna give a shit bout shit that ain't happened yet. but i guess i'll just share it over here. my dream is to be rich. real fucking rich i mean. why? yes. i do wanna own a BMW, or a Mercedes Benz AMG, or a Mercedes SLK, or a Mini, or a....the list goes on and on. but all these ain't the true purpose. my real wish is to be able to help people on a much larger scale than the average person can. i do feel for the people who are living in poverty at different parts of the world at this very moment, for the children who are fighting to survive, who are searching through the rubbish dumps just for a piece of bread or anything that might let them survive till daylight. i do so very want to help them. but i feel that there is only this much i can do for them if i lead an average life. i want to make a difference to their world, to the entire world.
fuck this man. that's why i hate to mention about my dream. all these seem to be nothing more than empty talk. it all even seems like i'm fucking lying to make myself look good. fuck this shit man. i'm still fucking studying and ain't even earned my first large paycheck yet. i'm still like donating miserable 2 bucks, 5 bucks or 10 bucks when there are donation rallies going around. i ain't making no difference man.
oh and fuck those people who get commission from doing all those so-called 'donate-money-to-the-needy' shit. eventually only about 10 or 20% of the money collected gets to the charity organizations. fuck you all with a capital f man.
this is why i like to plan ahead of my time. i want to make my dream come true.
just to teach you people some reality math stuff. it ain't that hard to own a BMW 7 series or stuff like that. after all, you can always pay by instalments. a 7 series would probably cost around 780k ringgit. you'd be require to pay say a 20% downpayment which would be 156k and then the rest you can spread it out across an instalment plan of 9 years with p.a. interest at about 7% on average. this means that you have to pay the remainder of 624k with an interest of 8% across 108 months. you only gotta pay about 6240 ringgit every month and you could own a 7 series. ain't that hard after all isn't it. even my parents could own one. so the next time you see someone driving a big car, you might wanna rethink how rich that bugger might actually be.
no i didn't learn all these kinds of things in a textbook nor from books like rich dad poor dad. books like those only talk about superficial stuff that i already knew when i was 13 or 14. if you think you ain't got much of a clue about the real world, you can go right ahead and read it and say it's a good book. to me, it's even less informative than reading FHM.
-forgot my name at 1:38 AM
alright baby. everything's pretty back to normal now. i'm cool. *winks
ain't slept a lot today cos i slept on the couch in the living room this morning after the soccer match. my two other room's all filled up with stuff from the kitchen and loads of other trash that it ain't fit for me to sleep in no more. was supposed to bunk in my parents' room but decided not to go into the room at 6 am and waking them up. i like sleeping in the living room actually. it's much more spacious and it doesn't feel half as confined when you're in your bedroom. it's a pretty nice place to chill in the middle of the night when the whole world's asleep and you're the only one sitting down there watching soccer or whatever tv program that might be interesting.
it might be pretty contradicting to say this but actually i enjoy peace and quiet although i have my headphones on whenever i'm all alone and my mp3s are basically playing 24/7. i just don't like the noise of all the shit going on around me. i'd rather immerse myself in the loud music whenever i'm alone. seems like i enjoy living in a world of my own. perhaps. but one thing's for sure. i am going to get myself a world of my own.
yeah so i'm a fucked up loner. so what? this is me. i can't possibly please everyone in the world can i.
-forgot my name at 1:25 AM
you'll never walk alone.
it's almost 6 am now. champions league finals just ended. my club liverpool has won it against all odds. this has gotta be one of the best matches i've ever watched in my whole fucking life. so many people have contributed to the winning of the match: benitez for whatever miracle drugs he has given the team during half time, gerrard for being such an inspiration by scoring the first goal, smicer for scoring the second, alonso for scoring the third, dudek for being such a clown and making sure the milan players don't know where to put the ball, carragher who never gave up although he suffered from cramps and all on several occasions. and whoever said that liverpool were just lucky. fuck those critics who never thought liverpool would ever make it so far in the league, fuck the commentator who said the match has already been decided when milan scored 3 goals in the first half, fuck the fucking commentator again for stressing on the fact that shevchenko is the european player of the year, fuck those complacent bastards over at milan side although they played a great first half. all in all, fuck all of you who never believed liverpool will make it. (with both middle fingers erected and tongue sticking out)
who cares bout the champions league next year when they already have given us the best champions league finals there could ever be.
-forgot my name at 5:49 AM
i suppose i'm gonna be sleeping real well for once this time. thanks a lot baby. ya know who ya are. need i mention more.
8 mile's real cool man. watched it the second time. let's hope liverpool makes it tonight man.
Simple Plan - Untitled
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
And life goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screamingI try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
-forgot my name at 11:44 PM
hmm. what a day. let's not go into the bad part of the day first. let's start off with the good things. let's just hope it might sound a lil bit better that way.
well, of course. my good mood yesterday didn't manage to last. everything was sorta fucked up by myself as usual. well, at least everything was fine till about 1 plus. that's quite a remarkable achievement for the past week. yeah so i just fucked everything up and i couldn't get to sleep once again. well, sorta had a diarrhoea after eating dinner. but it was kinda alright cos i couldn't sleep either. guess i finally went to sleep at 5 plus.
got woken up by my dad at 11 plus. was kinda pissed but yeah whatever. it was time to wake up anyway so no complaints. spent the whole afternoon watching 8 Mile and procrastinating here and there and at the same time waiting for a message on my phone. it's a cool show. realistic yet fictitious in a way. all the nigga rap battles were pretty cool though. watched Brotherhood Of The Wolf after that. very few people know bout that show i suppose. it's in French. once saw the trailer on central and i thought it was pretty cool but it didn't screen in cinemas so it's pretty nice to get a taste of what it's like now. how should i put it. a show with deeper meanings than what the actions are portraying i suppose. historical i would say. more or less along that line.
and so ends my pretty boring life once again. and i am again feeling all so fucked up. so fuck me and fuck this shit that shit man. fuck it all. i guess it's over man.
it's getting harder and harder to breathe.
-forgot my name at 9:33 PM
coming around.
my mind's a lil more at ease for now. i wonder how long that would last me. can't really say why i'm feeling so much better. it's gotta be a combination of a lot of factors i suppose.
spent a lotta time thinking through a lot of stuff last night. came to a few decisions and some plans for this whole week. of course none of the plans seem to have worked out. kinda screwed. fell asleep around 4 plus i suppose. but i woke up startled again at 5 plus. it has something to do with some crazy thought that was on my mind but i couldn't remember what it was.
ain't been able to sleep pretty well these days. too much to think about yet i know too little to come to a decision. today's a pretty chatty day i suppose. had a pretty nice chat with david around noon till the early afternoon followed by a nice chat with arthur. it has gotta be the first time whereby i could relate so much of my own stuff to him. and definitely one of the rare times when we didn't crap too much about sex, drugs and violence. really appreciate him being there providing a listening ear for me and voicing out his opinions and all to me too. it feels all so good to know that there is someone who can be all so truthful and could actually understand what i'm going through at the moment. he definitely amazed me today. perhaps i should have known, when a person doesn't talk much, it means he's listening more. he's somewhat like me in a way. gay yet straight, horny, crappy, alter ego and so much more. he's also a much deeper person than i thought him to be. i suppose i was fooled by that boyish facade of his. a pity i didn't get to know him better previously but better late than never i guess. doubt he'd be reading this but i just wanna say: i love you arthur my man.
other factors that contributed to my good mood would probably be that my phone's camera is functioning properly after dropping dead on me for bout half a year. it never seems to work when you want it to and works when you least expect it to. managed to do a snapshot of my decorative toys on my computer table while it was working. it's been something i've always wanted to do. and the result's satisfactory i would say. so yeah. that's about all the things that possibly made my day. i'm not that hard to please after all i suppose.
when i call you friend, it means i'd give you the truth when you require it of me. the least i would expect from you would be to do the same.
-forgot my name at 9:34 PM
my heart is dead and so are you.
knowing nothing is better than knowing it all some may say. yet a part of me wished i knew it all.
if ever you're gonna lie to me. please do make that extra effort to lie to me forever. at least i try to do so to others.
Atreyu - The Crimson
I feel it welling up inside
And Robert Smith lied,
Boys do cry and with
Blood tears in my eyes
I'm an Anne Rice novel come to life.
I can't hide the monster�� anymore.
One can, only feel desolate for so long until
One starts to change into
Something the mirror doesn't recognize.
Metamorphosize.
The darkness has been biding its time
To claim its latest victim,
Fresh meat for carnal desires,
To become, what I became.
I viewed the sun for the last time.
Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same,
When you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red, I feel it flowing from your lips. (Crimson and red)
My heart is dead and so are you.
And it pulses through,
The desire to change, to deconstruct
All of my,
All of my past failings.
But where to begin because when you live in sin
It's hard to look at saints,
Without them reflecting your jet black aura back on you.
And all I have is hope,
My inner burn's not fading,
I'll wipe the blood from my cheek and get on with my day.
Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same,
When you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red,
I feel it flowing from your lips. (Crimson and red)
My heart is dead and so are you.
And all I have is hope
And all I need is time
To bury in pine under six feet of time
The lies I told me about myself.
Claw my way out,
Pick the splinters from under my fingernails.
I won't lose hope,
I won't give in.
Just live and breathe, try not to die again.
Just live and breathe, try not to die again.
Just live and breathe, try not to die again.
Try not to die again.
Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same,
When you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red, I feel it flowing from your lips. (Crimson and red)
My heart is dead and so are you.
-forgot my name at 11:53 PM
so cut my wrist and black my eyes.
i'd really love to be able to read people's mind at this point of time. i'm tired of all this guessing game. everything seems so blurry and everyone so fake. nothing seems to be the way it seems to be. why is it that nothing seems to have changed yet everything has changed. i've just been away for a month. i'm exhausted.
what is this feeling that i am going through. why does my chest ache so bad. so bad it seems suffocating at times. and i thought everything would be alright when i came back home. it is but the beginning of another nightmare. what exactly do i want. if only my heart could talk.
somehow i feel that i'm only half the man i used to be. if it was me a year ago, i would have just fucked everything and went right ahead with what i felt was right. yet at this point of time that option is not feasible at all. there just seems to be too much at stake, too much to lose, too afraid to lose.
i so need someone close to talk to. to tell the person about all these thoughts that are bothering me all the time. i need someone to tell me that i'm thinking too much, to tell me that i should get a fucking life, to tell me that everything's just a facade of my imagination, to tell me that i'm wrong.
i'm dreaming of an escape from all these reality that's hitting me right in the face. an escape into the jungles, the forests, the deep mountains. away from it all.
i really hate people who fucking lies to me. do not tell me something if you do not mean it. when i ask a question, i expect the truth of it. if it is not the truth you can speak to me about, then forever hold your shit.
-forgot my name at 12:26 PM
everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake.
-forgot my name at 10:51 AM
-forgot my name at 2:51 AM
Fallen Debris
that's kinda what my house is full of now. they tore off parts of the back of the house and sorta rebuilt the whole area to make way for a new room. no i've not grown so fat that i need another room to occupy my ass. it's just been something that my mum wants to do for a long time.
everything's all dusty and sandy in the house. nothing seems to be in place other than this small corner i devote myself to everyday. basically the whole place is all crammed up and messy consindering the fact that i couldn't even find the house phone even though it was ringing just now.
i'm more settled down mentally for now. guess it just feels good to be home once again. it's gotta be the longest time i've been away from home in my whole darn life. not forgetting to mention it's probably the longest time i've seen anything that RA-ted ever since...i wonder when. am more certain of the path that i'm gonna be taking soon. although there seems to be too much random factors along the road. life's random anyway. so i suppose i'll just have to do whatever i think is right for now.
am currently down with a fucked up sorethroat for no fucking reason. i can swear i've not eaten any fried food for a darn long time. maybe it's just the dust and stuff around my place that's giving me such a big problem. but whatever. who cares. guess i must be down on my luck these two days. accidentally knocked my head against a dangling piece of the wall. glad that there ain't no blood this time around cos i really don't wanna add another one to my other two stitches. it's probably one of the worst knocks i've had in my fucked up life. i swear i was giddy for bout two hours after that shit. but i'm still alive and kicking. so whoever gives a fuck. still swelling a little but people are still calling me handsome boy so it doesn't really matter after all =)
-forgot my name at 7:48 PM
2 Pac feat. Elton John - Ghetto Gospel
Uhh, Hit them with a lil' ghetto gospel
[Chorus - Elton John:]
Those who wish to follow me (My ghetto gospel)
I welcome with my hands
And the red sun sinks at last into the hills of gold
And peace to this young warrior without the sound of guns
[2Pac]
If I could recelect before my hood dayz
I'd sit and reminisce, nigga and bliss on that good dayz
i stop and stare at the younger, my heart goes to'em
They tested, it was stressed that fate under
In our days, things changed
Everyone's ashamed to the youth cuz the truth looks strange
And for me it's the worst, we left of a world that's cursed, and it hurts
cause any day they'll push the button
and yall condemned like Malcolm x and Bobby Hunton, died for nothin
Don't them let me get teary, the world looks dreary
but when you wipe your eyes, see it clearly
there's no need for you to fear me
if you take the time to hear me, maybe you can learn to cheer me
it aint about black or white, cuz we're human
I hope you see the light before its ruined my ghetto gospel
[Chorus - Elton John]
[2Pac]
Tell me do you see that old lady aint it sad
Living out a bag, plus she's glad for the little things she has
And over there there's a lady, crack got her crazy Guess she's given birth to a baby
I don't trip and let it fade me, from outta the frying pan
We're jumping to another form of slavery
Even now I keep discouraged
Wonder if they take it all back while I still keep the courage
I refuse to be a role model
I take hoes, keep control, drink out my own bottle
I make mistakes, I learn from everyone
And when its said and done
I bet this Brotha be a better one
If I'm upset, you don't stress
Never forget, that God hasn't finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes, I go blind, and let the lord do his thang
But I'm in less holy Cuz I choose to puff a blunt and drink a beer with my homies
Before we find world peace
We gotta find peace in that war on the streets
My ghetto gospel
[Chorus - Elton John]
[2Pac]
Lord can you hear me!! To pay the price of being hell bound...
nah. i ain't bein extra holy or anything by listenin to this kinda songs. but it's a meaningful song to me and it is nice altho it bein a nigga rap. i'm back at home once again after over a month. everything still remains very much the same, yet i have changed.
i laugh, but i am not happy.
-forgot my name at 1:42 AM
i remembered hearing this somewhere on a particular show: a man was walking along the beach and he saw a little girl frantically picking up the starfish that were washed ashore. she picked them up and threw them back into the sea to prevent them from being dried up by the glaring sunlight.
so the man walked towards the girl and asked: why are you trying so hard to throw them back to the sea? there's so much of them on the beach you can't possibly save all of em before they die.
and the girl replied: it probably doesn't matter to you whether i save one or one hundred. but to the one i've saved, it matters.
that's probably kinda how it is. at a certain point of time i'm the little girl who's trying to make all the difference i can to someone's life. yet at this point of time i'm like a dying starfish waiting for the little girl.
i wouldn't say that i expect too much out of life. yet somehow i've become so very tired of this 19 years of my life. i wonder how many people actually feel the same. it's not that i'm in some sorta depression that i wanna end my life. but the feeling's just that it seems i've been around for more than 19 years.
i feel so exhausted. so wasted.
i've seen and heard too much.
no wonder they say knowing nothing is better than knowing it all.
ain't got much of a childhood. spent far too much of my childhood catching up on my sleep. for 10 years of my life i've been sleeping for an average of 5 hours a day. guess that's taking a toll on my pathetic shell now.
i'm feeling so aged. so out of life.
-forgot my name at 12:58 AM
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: sometimes i really wish i would just wake up dead the nxt morn
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: so i wouldnt even know i'm dead
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: so i could escape from it all
jing. says: dying is just another form of escaping dont you think so
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: yes. at least it's a form of escape w/o a choice.
jing. says: ..
jing. says: u can always choose to die huh
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: i'm not choosin to die
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: it's just a deathwish
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: choosin to die is not an option
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: cos i'm too cowardly to do so
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: i'd rather let someone do me in.
let's just hope that the wish would come true one day. will you be the one to do me the favour?
-forgot my name at 1:19 AM
My Chemical Romance - Helena
Long ago
Just like the hearse you died to get in again
We are so far from you
Burning on just lke a match you start to incinerate
The lives of everyone you knew
And whats the worst to take, from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take, from every heart you break
And like a blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Do we deserve
to leave the earth?
Do we learn
When both our cars collide?
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
-forgot my name at 12:46 AM
isn't it all so amazing that anyone could feel so lonely although he is surrounded by people he know? the feeling simply disses me off. it's been so long since i've really had someone to talk to. be it verbally or literally it doesn't matter. i so need to have some form of constructive meaningful conversations. probably i talk far too much shit for my own good that nobody actually seems to be able to strike up such a conversation with me. yet i find it hard to always put on a straight face to meet people each day. what am i. for the handful of you who might happen to read this, i ain't down on confidence level or shit like that. i'm always confident of myself. it's just that i'm lost.
it's probably just one of those period of low whereby i'm once again wondering where the fuck are all the people who once knew me deep down inside. for the person i truly am. not the fucking clown i seem to be. it's 2 am and i still ain't sleeping. somehow it seems i'm back to the good old days of sleepin only when everyone else's already snoring away. yet it all seems so different altogether. not just the environment. but maybe my whole mentality ain't the same anymore. the whole situation isn't. there's too much at stake now. too much to lose. if there's one thing that i'm afraid of, i'm afraid of losing.
i've been really inspired by last week's episode of The Contender. i ain't no reality tv fans cos i think it's just like "Days of our Lives" just that you get a batch of new actors every few months. Joey Gilbert who was knocked out from the match last week said something that really made me tear. A champion's heart is made of gold and it means you don't quit and it means that you fight on. I really think i could relate to him cos somehow we think alike in certain ways. Your family is the most important thing you have in your life.
i remembered i read somewhere that if a person is feeling down, he/she ought to listen to some depressing songs to help alleviate all the bottled up feeling. that's kinda what it is like for me. the only difference is that i don't even know if the song i'm listening to now is supposed to be depressing or whatsoever. at least it has a melancholic feel to me. i even feel like crying out somehow. it always feels good to cry. yeah i'm a fucking crybaby. so go on and laugh. it's been kinda long since i've cried. i don't really remember when but there ain't nothing to cry about now. so that ain't a good way of letting it out. i'll just let the music heal my soul.
Straylight Run - Existentialism on Prom Night
when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming
there are moments when i know it
and the world revolves around us
and we're keeping it
keeping it all going
this delicate balance
vulnerable
all knowing
(sing like you think no one's listening)
you would kill for this
just a little bit
so, sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything
we're glad for what we've got
done with what we've lost
our whole lives laid out right in front of us
-forgot my name at 2:03 AM
The Used - I'm A Fake
Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and
heals.
And I am not afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.
Love is not like anything.
Especially a fucking knife.
Like I fell, you can tell.
By the way I move into my head.
Do you think that it's me?
Or it's not me I don't even care.
I'm alive.
I swear I'm the cleanest I have ever been.
I feel pain.
I feel
Just look at me. Look at me now.
(I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake).
Just look at me. Look at me now.
(I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake).
everyone, at a certain point of time in life, would have wished they had the ability to know what was in store for them. and so am i at this point of time. after running for three damned years, i'm back to the same crossroad once again.
you could say i wasn't ready three years ago for what is in store for me. so am i now?
everyone's searching for an answer to some questions in their life. some may find it. others die trying. i came 700km from home in search of an answer. in search of an answer not from anyone or anything, but from within. still i get no answer. how much further do i have to go or how much deeper do i have to look to find what i am looking for.
the same two roads as it were three years ago. the same people, the same faces, the same arguments, the same justifications, the _______ decision.
-forgot my name at 2:47 AM
ain't got no idea why i'm feeling so down again today. maybe i do know. just that i choose not to know. that's kinda how life is for me. i suppose i have more or less decided on which course i'm gonna choose. but i ain't got the balls to go there and accept the course. why do i fear accepting the course that i think would be better. why do i even fear.
i ain't seem to be getting no peace at home ever since i'm back. i'm so torn apart by all the mysteries surrounding me. i so wanna go off to ipoh once again. so that i won't hafta deal with all this shit. i wanna get this fucking renovation over and done with so that i can get back my own room once more. so that i can lie on my bed and read my book till the wee hours of the night. so that i can bury myself in my pillow and cry out loud. so that i can turn the room upside down and rearrange it come the morrow. so that i can be at peace with myself once again.
everywhere i turn, i only get more puzzles instead of answers i am looking for. ain't got nobody who can give me the truth that i seek out there. i'm so fucking sick and tired of this shit. if only everyone could be more direct in their speech and thoughts. just like if you've got a problem with me, you need only tell me to fuck off and i'll tell you to fuck off but have a nice day too. that's kinda what i'm looking for. people to be frank to me. don't hafta gimme all that courtesy shit whereby you ain't even speaking what you're thinking of. i'd say fuck you and your shit and may you burn in hell bitch.
wouldn't it be nice if i could have a few more friends i could trust with my life. people whom i would gladly let them slit my throat and still hold on to the faith that they will bring me back to life. people who are true to me.
there are more than 6 billion people in this world, there has to be that someone whom you can totally connect with spiritually isn't it. i do so believe.
-forgot my name at 6:06 PM
let not my worst fear come true.
had some sorta crappy dream this morning. i ain't someone who dreams often. somehow this dream seemed exceptionally clear to me whereby for once i could actually see the faces of the people in my dream clearly. doesn't make no sense somehow. half of the people in it are friends whom i haven't seen for years and the rest are people whom i ain't got no idea who yet their faces are surprisingly clear to me. they say you dream what you think, yet somehow it still ain't making sense. i'll devote the rest of the day to deciphering my own dream then. fuck me. and fuck you too.
-forgot my name at 12:54 PM
so long, astoria.
i honestly do wonder why i'm blogging so frequently these days. maybe i just need some place or rather someone to talk to. it all feels just like those days where i would sit up in the middle of the night and blog on and on ranting about myself and other stuff. i would just say i ain't got nothing much bout myself to rant about. have already done enough in the earlier parts of my blogging life. it just sorta lets me know myself better when i pen down my thoughts in words so that i could actually reflect on them and hopefully become a better person.
ain't no saint i am. i have let a whole lot of people down till now and a whole lot of people are probably still waiting to see my downfall one day. i don't know how i came up with that thought. but somehow that's just how life is. there are people who like you for who you are and what you do. others might just bear a starkly different view as to the shit that i've been doing. whoever gives a fuck anyway. i'mma do what i think is right.
isn't it amazing you could see 20 people online on your msn list but there ain't no one you can talk to? never mind. i'm probably just autistic.
-forgot my name at 3:56 AM
a long time ago.
well, as some of you may know. i went clubbing with the bunch of hockey guys just yesterday. i must say i've had a helluva good time. not simply because all of us were high and wild. but because it has brought back a lot of memories of the past. memories of me, dingy and jason dancing all through the night. it was crazy and dumb but fun nonetheless. those were the days and so was yesterday.
-forgot my name at 11:44 PM
The Keys to Your Heart |
| You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
| In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
| You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. |
| You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
| Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. |
| Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship. |
| You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
| In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
hmm. is this test supposed to be accurate or what? the rest of the aspects seemed pretty true i suppose. but what's with the 100% risk of cheating man. you guys know i'd never do such a thing right? right? right? har. wrong?
-forgot my name at 11:08 PM
i beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies.
well i had a good day with arthur today. it's the first time we went out on a date together and it all turned out pretty fine i suppose. i do so love him i feel. he's just so like me in a way. always crapping about lots of shit online but we ain't half as chatty in real life. and there's so much more i can learn from someone like him believe it or not. i didn't know he was someone who reads so much till we went to kino today. i'm amazed that we sorta share the similar interests in books and about other finer things in life. like how we would think which girl is hot and which is not yet we could never gather enough balls to step up and ask for her phone number. that's so wussy i know. but that's us man. just wanna say this again: arthur i love you man.
well, it's about time i started reading intensively again i suppose. been wasting the past week away in stupid shit man. all these crap ain't getting nowhere i suppose. bought two other books again today. one was a sequel to a book i was previously reading and the other titled 'Lord of The Flies'. now i've got five and a half books to finish before school starts. cool.
-forgot my name at 3:17 AM
you get what you give.
yay i'm like blogging again immediately after posting the previous entry. it's just that a sudden thought struck me and i thought i ought to blog it down before i forget it or anything.
everyone has different interpretations of the word 'rich' or rather 'wealthy'. some would measure it in monetary terms say if the person has an annual income of 200k and above. or some would measure it materialistically (i ain't sure if there's such a word but you should get my drift) say if he can afford a BMW 7 series then he's definitely some rich fuck. i'd say fuck all that man.
most people these days are definitely very deeply influenced by all the advertising gimmicks around us. say for example the Mercedes Benz slogan 'driven by the driven'. so do you need to drive a Benz to show that you're driven? i don't think so.
being rich doesn't mean having all the luxurious material possessions in the whole world. from my personal point of view, being rich means how much more you could give than the average wage earner. that would be my definition of rich. if you can earn a fucking 10 million a year but you ain't forking out a cent to help those poor children in ethiopia or other parts of africa, you ain't rich man. you're just a fucked up person who cares only about wiping your ass with silk.
ever noticed the stuff i typed at the top left hand box on this page? i've never mentioned bout my dream to anyone. cos somehow it is but a dream still. nobody's gonna give a shit bout shit that ain't happened yet. but i guess i'll just share it over here. my dream is to be rich. real fucking rich i mean. why? yes. i do wanna own a BMW, or a Mercedes Benz AMG, or a Mercedes SLK, or a Mini, or a....the list goes on and on. but all these ain't the true purpose. my real wish is to be able to help people on a much larger scale than the average person can. i do feel for the people who are living in poverty at different parts of the world at this very moment, for the children who are fighting to survive, who are searching through the rubbish dumps just for a piece of bread or anything that might let them survive till daylight. i do so very want to help them. but i feel that there is only this much i can do for them if i lead an average life. i want to make a difference to their world, to the entire world.
fuck this man. that's why i hate to mention about my dream. all these seem to be nothing more than empty talk. it all even seems like i'm fucking lying to make myself look good. fuck this shit man. i'm still fucking studying and ain't even earned my first large paycheck yet. i'm still like donating miserable 2 bucks, 5 bucks or 10 bucks when there are donation rallies going around. i ain't making no difference man.
oh and fuck those people who get commission from doing all those so-called 'donate-money-to-the-needy' shit. eventually only about 10 or 20% of the money collected gets to the charity organizations. fuck you all with a capital f man.
this is why i like to plan ahead of my time. i want to make my dream come true.
just to teach you people some reality math stuff. it ain't that hard to own a BMW 7 series or stuff like that. after all, you can always pay by instalments. a 7 series would probably cost around 780k ringgit. you'd be require to pay say a 20% downpayment which would be 156k and then the rest you can spread it out across an instalment plan of 9 years with p.a. interest at about 7% on average. this means that you have to pay the remainder of 624k with an interest of 8% across 108 months. you only gotta pay about 6240 ringgit every month and you could own a 7 series. ain't that hard after all isn't it. even my parents could own one. so the next time you see someone driving a big car, you might wanna rethink how rich that bugger might actually be.
no i didn't learn all these kinds of things in a textbook nor from books like rich dad poor dad. books like those only talk about superficial stuff that i already knew when i was 13 or 14. if you think you ain't got much of a clue about the real world, you can go right ahead and read it and say it's a good book. to me, it's even less informative than reading FHM.
-forgot my name at 1:38 AM
curiosity killed the rat.
alright baby. everything's pretty back to normal now. i'm cool. *winks
ain't slept a lot today cos i slept on the couch in the living room this morning after the soccer match. my two other room's all filled up with stuff from the kitchen and loads of other trash that it ain't fit for me to sleep in no more. was supposed to bunk in my parents' room but decided not to go into the room at 6 am and waking them up. i like sleeping in the living room actually. it's much more spacious and it doesn't feel half as confined when you're in your bedroom. it's a pretty nice place to chill in the middle of the night when the whole world's asleep and you're the only one sitting down there watching soccer or whatever tv program that might be interesting.
it might be pretty contradicting to say this but actually i enjoy peace and quiet although i have my headphones on whenever i'm all alone and my mp3s are basically playing 24/7. i just don't like the noise of all the shit going on around me. i'd rather immerse myself in the loud music whenever i'm alone. seems like i enjoy living in a world of my own. perhaps. but one thing's for sure. i am going to get myself a world of my own.
yeah so i'm a fucked up loner. so what? this is me. i can't possibly please everyone in the world can i.
-forgot my name at 1:25 AM
you'll never walk alone.
it's almost 6 am now. champions league finals just ended. my club liverpool has won it against all odds. this has gotta be one of the best matches i've ever watched in my whole fucking life. so many people have contributed to the winning of the match: benitez for whatever miracle drugs he has given the team during half time, gerrard for being such an inspiration by scoring the first goal, smicer for scoring the second, alonso for scoring the third, dudek for being such a clown and making sure the milan players don't know where to put the ball, carragher who never gave up although he suffered from cramps and all on several occasions. and whoever said that liverpool were just lucky. fuck those critics who never thought liverpool would ever make it so far in the league, fuck the commentator who said the match has already been decided when milan scored 3 goals in the first half, fuck the fucking commentator again for stressing on the fact that shevchenko is the european player of the year, fuck those complacent bastards over at milan side although they played a great first half. all in all, fuck all of you who never believed liverpool will make it. (with both middle fingers erected and tongue sticking out)
who cares bout the champions league next year when they already have given us the best champions league finals there could ever be.
-forgot my name at 5:49 AM
i suppose i'm gonna be sleeping real well for once this time. thanks a lot baby. ya know who ya are. need i mention more.
8 mile's real cool man. watched it the second time. let's hope liverpool makes it tonight man.
Simple Plan - Untitled
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
And life goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screamingI try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
-forgot my name at 11:44 PM
i feel it welling up inside.
hmm. what a day. let's not go into the bad part of the day first. let's start off with the good things. let's just hope it might sound a lil bit better that way.
well, of course. my good mood yesterday didn't manage to last. everything was sorta fucked up by myself as usual. well, at least everything was fine till about 1 plus. that's quite a remarkable achievement for the past week. yeah so i just fucked everything up and i couldn't get to sleep once again. well, sorta had a diarrhoea after eating dinner. but it was kinda alright cos i couldn't sleep either. guess i finally went to sleep at 5 plus.
got woken up by my dad at 11 plus. was kinda pissed but yeah whatever. it was time to wake up anyway so no complaints. spent the whole afternoon watching 8 Mile and procrastinating here and there and at the same time waiting for a message on my phone. it's a cool show. realistic yet fictitious in a way. all the nigga rap battles were pretty cool though. watched Brotherhood Of The Wolf after that. very few people know bout that show i suppose. it's in French. once saw the trailer on central and i thought it was pretty cool but it didn't screen in cinemas so it's pretty nice to get a taste of what it's like now. how should i put it. a show with deeper meanings than what the actions are portraying i suppose. historical i would say. more or less along that line.
and so ends my pretty boring life once again. and i am again feeling all so fucked up. so fuck me and fuck this shit that shit man. fuck it all. i guess it's over man.
it's getting harder and harder to breathe.
-forgot my name at 9:33 PM
coming around.
my mind's a lil more at ease for now. i wonder how long that would last me. can't really say why i'm feeling so much better. it's gotta be a combination of a lot of factors i suppose.
spent a lotta time thinking through a lot of stuff last night. came to a few decisions and some plans for this whole week. of course none of the plans seem to have worked out. kinda screwed. fell asleep around 4 plus i suppose. but i woke up startled again at 5 plus. it has something to do with some crazy thought that was on my mind but i couldn't remember what it was.
ain't been able to sleep pretty well these days. too much to think about yet i know too little to come to a decision. today's a pretty chatty day i suppose. had a pretty nice chat with david around noon till the early afternoon followed by a nice chat with arthur. it has gotta be the first time whereby i could relate so much of my own stuff to him. and definitely one of the rare times when we didn't crap too much about sex, drugs and violence. really appreciate him being there providing a listening ear for me and voicing out his opinions and all to me too. it feels all so good to know that there is someone who can be all so truthful and could actually understand what i'm going through at the moment. he definitely amazed me today. perhaps i should have known, when a person doesn't talk much, it means he's listening more. he's somewhat like me in a way. gay yet straight, horny, crappy, alter ego and so much more. he's also a much deeper person than i thought him to be. i suppose i was fooled by that boyish facade of his. a pity i didn't get to know him better previously but better late than never i guess. doubt he'd be reading this but i just wanna say: i love you arthur my man.
other factors that contributed to my good mood would probably be that my phone's camera is functioning properly after dropping dead on me for bout half a year. it never seems to work when you want it to and works when you least expect it to. managed to do a snapshot of my decorative toys on my computer table while it was working. it's been something i've always wanted to do. and the result's satisfactory i would say. so yeah. that's about all the things that possibly made my day. i'm not that hard to please after all i suppose.
when i call you friend, it means i'd give you the truth when you require it of me. the least i would expect from you would be to do the same.
-forgot my name at 9:34 PM
my heart is dead and so are you.
knowing nothing is better than knowing it all some may say. yet a part of me wished i knew it all.
if ever you're gonna lie to me. please do make that extra effort to lie to me forever. at least i try to do so to others.
Atreyu - The Crimson
I feel it welling up inside
And Robert Smith lied,
Boys do cry and with
Blood tears in my eyes
I'm an Anne Rice novel come to life.
I can't hide the monster�� anymore.
One can, only feel desolate for so long until
One starts to change into
Something the mirror doesn't recognize.
Metamorphosize.
The darkness has been biding its time
To claim its latest victim,
Fresh meat for carnal desires,
To become, what I became.
I viewed the sun for the last time.
Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same,
When you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red, I feel it flowing from your lips. (Crimson and red)
My heart is dead and so are you.
And it pulses through,
The desire to change, to deconstruct
All of my,
All of my past failings.
But where to begin because when you live in sin
It's hard to look at saints,
Without them reflecting your jet black aura back on you.
And all I have is hope,
My inner burn's not fading,
I'll wipe the blood from my cheek and get on with my day.
Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same,
When you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red,
I feel it flowing from your lips. (Crimson and red)
My heart is dead and so are you.
And all I have is hope
And all I need is time
To bury in pine under six feet of time
The lies I told me about myself.
Claw my way out,
Pick the splinters from under my fingernails.
I won't lose hope,
I won't give in.
Just live and breathe, try not to die again.
Just live and breathe, try not to die again.
Just live and breathe, try not to die again.
Try not to die again.
Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same,
When you taste my victim's blood?
So crimson and red, I feel it flowing from your lips. (Crimson and red)
My heart is dead and so are you.
-forgot my name at 11:53 PM
so cut my wrist and black my eyes.
i'd really love to be able to read people's mind at this point of time. i'm tired of all this guessing game. everything seems so blurry and everyone so fake. nothing seems to be the way it seems to be. why is it that nothing seems to have changed yet everything has changed. i've just been away for a month. i'm exhausted.
what is this feeling that i am going through. why does my chest ache so bad. so bad it seems suffocating at times. and i thought everything would be alright when i came back home. it is but the beginning of another nightmare. what exactly do i want. if only my heart could talk.
somehow i feel that i'm only half the man i used to be. if it was me a year ago, i would have just fucked everything and went right ahead with what i felt was right. yet at this point of time that option is not feasible at all. there just seems to be too much at stake, too much to lose, too afraid to lose.
i so need someone close to talk to. to tell the person about all these thoughts that are bothering me all the time. i need someone to tell me that i'm thinking too much, to tell me that i should get a fucking life, to tell me that everything's just a facade of my imagination, to tell me that i'm wrong.
i'm dreaming of an escape from all these reality that's hitting me right in the face. an escape into the jungles, the forests, the deep mountains. away from it all.
i really hate people who fucking lies to me. do not tell me something if you do not mean it. when i ask a question, i expect the truth of it. if it is not the truth you can speak to me about, then forever hold your shit.
-forgot my name at 12:26 PM
everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake.
-forgot my name at 10:51 AM
| Your Birthdate: November 12 |
| Being born on the 12th day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving - but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs. |
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
-forgot my name at 2:51 AM
Fallen Debris
that's kinda what my house is full of now. they tore off parts of the back of the house and sorta rebuilt the whole area to make way for a new room. no i've not grown so fat that i need another room to occupy my ass. it's just been something that my mum wants to do for a long time.
everything's all dusty and sandy in the house. nothing seems to be in place other than this small corner i devote myself to everyday. basically the whole place is all crammed up and messy consindering the fact that i couldn't even find the house phone even though it was ringing just now.
i'm more settled down mentally for now. guess it just feels good to be home once again. it's gotta be the longest time i've been away from home in my whole darn life. not forgetting to mention it's probably the longest time i've seen anything that RA-ted ever since...i wonder when. am more certain of the path that i'm gonna be taking soon. although there seems to be too much random factors along the road. life's random anyway. so i suppose i'll just have to do whatever i think is right for now.
am currently down with a fucked up sorethroat for no fucking reason. i can swear i've not eaten any fried food for a darn long time. maybe it's just the dust and stuff around my place that's giving me such a big problem. but whatever. who cares. guess i must be down on my luck these two days. accidentally knocked my head against a dangling piece of the wall. glad that there ain't no blood this time around cos i really don't wanna add another one to my other two stitches. it's probably one of the worst knocks i've had in my fucked up life. i swear i was giddy for bout two hours after that shit. but i'm still alive and kicking. so whoever gives a fuck. still swelling a little but people are still calling me handsome boy so it doesn't really matter after all =)
-forgot my name at 7:48 PM
2 Pac feat. Elton John - Ghetto Gospel
Uhh, Hit them with a lil' ghetto gospel
[Chorus - Elton John:]
Those who wish to follow me (My ghetto gospel)
I welcome with my hands
And the red sun sinks at last into the hills of gold
And peace to this young warrior without the sound of guns
[2Pac]
If I could recelect before my hood dayz
I'd sit and reminisce, nigga and bliss on that good dayz
i stop and stare at the younger, my heart goes to'em
They tested, it was stressed that fate under
In our days, things changed
Everyone's ashamed to the youth cuz the truth looks strange
And for me it's the worst, we left of a world that's cursed, and it hurts
cause any day they'll push the button
and yall condemned like Malcolm x and Bobby Hunton, died for nothin
Don't them let me get teary, the world looks dreary
but when you wipe your eyes, see it clearly
there's no need for you to fear me
if you take the time to hear me, maybe you can learn to cheer me
it aint about black or white, cuz we're human
I hope you see the light before its ruined my ghetto gospel
[Chorus - Elton John]
[2Pac]
Tell me do you see that old lady aint it sad
Living out a bag, plus she's glad for the little things she has
And over there there's a lady, crack got her crazy Guess she's given birth to a baby
I don't trip and let it fade me, from outta the frying pan
We're jumping to another form of slavery
Even now I keep discouraged
Wonder if they take it all back while I still keep the courage
I refuse to be a role model
I take hoes, keep control, drink out my own bottle
I make mistakes, I learn from everyone
And when its said and done
I bet this Brotha be a better one
If I'm upset, you don't stress
Never forget, that God hasn't finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes, I go blind, and let the lord do his thang
But I'm in less holy Cuz I choose to puff a blunt and drink a beer with my homies
Before we find world peace
We gotta find peace in that war on the streets
My ghetto gospel
[Chorus - Elton John]
[2Pac]
Lord can you hear me!! To pay the price of being hell bound...
nah. i ain't bein extra holy or anything by listenin to this kinda songs. but it's a meaningful song to me and it is nice altho it bein a nigga rap. i'm back at home once again after over a month. everything still remains very much the same, yet i have changed.
i laugh, but i am not happy.
-forgot my name at 1:42 AM
i remembered hearing this somewhere on a particular show: a man was walking along the beach and he saw a little girl frantically picking up the starfish that were washed ashore. she picked them up and threw them back into the sea to prevent them from being dried up by the glaring sunlight.
so the man walked towards the girl and asked: why are you trying so hard to throw them back to the sea? there's so much of them on the beach you can't possibly save all of em before they die.
and the girl replied: it probably doesn't matter to you whether i save one or one hundred. but to the one i've saved, it matters.
that's probably kinda how it is. at a certain point of time i'm the little girl who's trying to make all the difference i can to someone's life. yet at this point of time i'm like a dying starfish waiting for the little girl.
i wouldn't say that i expect too much out of life. yet somehow i've become so very tired of this 19 years of my life. i wonder how many people actually feel the same. it's not that i'm in some sorta depression that i wanna end my life. but the feeling's just that it seems i've been around for more than 19 years.
i feel so exhausted. so wasted.
i've seen and heard too much.
no wonder they say knowing nothing is better than knowing it all.
ain't got much of a childhood. spent far too much of my childhood catching up on my sleep. for 10 years of my life i've been sleeping for an average of 5 hours a day. guess that's taking a toll on my pathetic shell now.
i'm feeling so aged. so out of life.
-forgot my name at 12:58 AM
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: sometimes i really wish i would just wake up dead the nxt morn
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: so i wouldnt even know i'm dead
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: so i could escape from it all
jing. says: dying is just another form of escaping dont you think so
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: yes. at least it's a form of escape w/o a choice.
jing. says: ..
jing. says: u can always choose to die huh
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: i'm not choosin to die
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: it's just a deathwish
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: choosin to die is not an option
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: cos i'm too cowardly to do so
?-=.zEsIn.=-? :: ah fuck it. says: i'd rather let someone do me in.
let's just hope that the wish would come true one day. will you be the one to do me the favour?
-forgot my name at 1:19 AM
My Chemical Romance - Helena
Long ago
Just like the hearse you died to get in again
We are so far from you
Burning on just lke a match you start to incinerate
The lives of everyone you knew
And whats the worst to take, from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take, from every heart you break
And like a blade you stake
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Do we deserve
to leave the earth?
Do we learn
When both our cars collide?
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
-forgot my name at 12:46 AM
isn't it all so amazing that anyone could feel so lonely although he is surrounded by people he know? the feeling simply disses me off. it's been so long since i've really had someone to talk to. be it verbally or literally it doesn't matter. i so need to have some form of constructive meaningful conversations. probably i talk far too much shit for my own good that nobody actually seems to be able to strike up such a conversation with me. yet i find it hard to always put on a straight face to meet people each day. what am i. for the handful of you who might happen to read this, i ain't down on confidence level or shit like that. i'm always confident of myself. it's just that i'm lost.
it's probably just one of those period of low whereby i'm once again wondering where the fuck are all the people who once knew me deep down inside. for the person i truly am. not the fucking clown i seem to be. it's 2 am and i still ain't sleeping. somehow it seems i'm back to the good old days of sleepin only when everyone else's already snoring away. yet it all seems so different altogether. not just the environment. but maybe my whole mentality ain't the same anymore. the whole situation isn't. there's too much at stake now. too much to lose. if there's one thing that i'm afraid of, i'm afraid of losing.
i've been really inspired by last week's episode of The Contender. i ain't no reality tv fans cos i think it's just like "Days of our Lives" just that you get a batch of new actors every few months. Joey Gilbert who was knocked out from the match last week said something that really made me tear. A champion's heart is made of gold and it means you don't quit and it means that you fight on. I really think i could relate to him cos somehow we think alike in certain ways. Your family is the most important thing you have in your life.
i remembered i read somewhere that if a person is feeling down, he/she ought to listen to some depressing songs to help alleviate all the bottled up feeling. that's kinda what it is like for me. the only difference is that i don't even know if the song i'm listening to now is supposed to be depressing or whatsoever. at least it has a melancholic feel to me. i even feel like crying out somehow. it always feels good to cry. yeah i'm a fucking crybaby. so go on and laugh. it's been kinda long since i've cried. i don't really remember when but there ain't nothing to cry about now. so that ain't a good way of letting it out. i'll just let the music heal my soul.
Straylight Run - Existentialism on Prom Night
when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming
there are moments when i know it
and the world revolves around us
and we're keeping it
keeping it all going
this delicate balance
vulnerable
all knowing
(sing like you think no one's listening)
you would kill for this
just a little bit
so, sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything
we're glad for what we've got
done with what we've lost
our whole lives laid out right in front of us
-forgot my name at 2:03 AM
The Used - I'm A Fake
Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and
heals.
And I am not afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.
Love is not like anything.
Especially a fucking knife.
Like I fell, you can tell.
By the way I move into my head.
Do you think that it's me?
Or it's not me I don't even care.
I'm alive.
I swear I'm the cleanest I have ever been.
I feel pain.
I feel
Just look at me. Look at me now.
(I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake).
Just look at me. Look at me now.
(I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake).
everyone, at a certain point of time in life, would have wished they had the ability to know what was in store for them. and so am i at this point of time. after running for three damned years, i'm back to the same crossroad once again.
you could say i wasn't ready three years ago for what is in store for me. so am i now?
everyone's searching for an answer to some questions in their life. some may find it. others die trying. i came 700km from home in search of an answer. in search of an answer not from anyone or anything, but from within. still i get no answer. how much further do i have to go or how much deeper do i have to look to find what i am looking for.
the same two roads as it were three years ago. the same people, the same faces, the same arguments, the same justifications, the _______ decision.
-forgot my name at 2:47 AM
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