Wednesday, June 29, 2005

car underwater.

man. it was scary on the road. especially it's like the first time i'm driving at night. a rainy night some more. that was like totally scary. you can't even see the cars at the back or at the sides clearly with the mirrors cos it's got drops of water on it. but i drove pretty slowly to avoid any accidents. yeap. i'm still back home in one piece with my mum. that's good.
as i was saying yesterday, i needed to buy a present for my friend. yeap and i did. my mum offered to go down with me to the shopping centre to buy something for him. maybe she ain't confident in me driving down by myself. pretty much decided to get him a sleeveless t-shirt since yesterday so it ain't that hard finding one. got him an adidas one which was not very ex. pretty cool. kinda cheaper than i expected. bout 50 ringgit for it. haha and my mum actually paid for it cos she said pay by credit card better. but i did pay my mum back just now altho she asked me to keep it. i just left the money on her table. guess my mum's pretty cool with me buying the present cos she also knows that friend of mine. it's like my parents only know that few friends of mine. and those that she's seen, probably about two or three of them at most. can't remember too clearly. cos he lives pretty near my place and we used to go to each other's house and slack around. i used to play video games at his place when we were still in primary school. and my dad used to work for his dad. so basically both our families know each other. his dad's business has gotten pretty well in recent years i've heard. some multi-millionaire already. haha. his girlfriend's pretty lucky i suppose. he's a damn nice guy. doesn't put on airs or anything. that's what i love about him man. he's rich but he doesn't splurge. not that i know of. cool. ain't sure if i'm going out with him tomorrow to celebrate his birthday with him. haven't managed to get in touch with the other guy. maybe i'll just drop by his place and pass him the pressie. cool.

-forgot my name at 9:43 PM

well i pictured you in blue.

kinda shit up till this point of time. i'm still wondering how i'm supposed to get the present. ain't gonna be getting no company from everywhere. ain't seen arthur. i suppose he ain't out. am too lazy to go so far to get something by myself. nobody's able to answer my distress call. haha. i need a miracle today man.
oh what was i gonna blog bout. oh. yah. was talking with my friend. i realized that as i grow older, many of the things that seem to be right or wrong ain't really what it seems. everything just seems to be getting blurry. what's right and what's wrong? who's to judge. who are we to judge. seems that one of the most important lessons i've learnt till this point of time would be that we ought not to impose on others with what we think. but respect what they feel bout certain things and voice out our opinions too. that should be the way. there ain't no absolute right or wrong in this world. this world doesn't operate on mathematical equations alone. there's much more to it than that.
so many people around me seems to be interested in shaping up. i am one of them. it's just funny to know that why so many people are into this sorta stuff now and not previously or what. haha. if there's one particular part of my body muscle i'm pleased with, it'd hafta be my forearm man. it looks kinda defined and makes me look muscular. when i'm not wearing a sleeveless shirt of course. haha.

-forgot my name at 1:12 AM

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

interlude.

man. just realized late last night that 30th june is just around the corner. i almost forgot again. it's my friend's birthday. the one who just came back from aussie. what better timing than to come back home to celebrate your birthday with your loved ones. and i haven't got him a present or anything. i must get out of house to buy something for him tomorrow then. kinda last minute. see if i can get company to go out with me. shopping alone sucks.
i don't know what came over me today. but i simply decided that it's time i got out of house and working my fat ass. must be the two of them who kept on talking about exercising and all then i kinda felt guilty that i haven't been working out as much. i'm kinda like the slimmest amongst them. but they're fitter than me. one's even a johor badminton state player. what fuck. maybe i gotta see if they have some sorta trials for hockey. there's just this slight chance that i might be selected. ah. ok i am dreaming.
ok back to the topic. i was so freaking inspired i thought today was a good day to run although it's pretty hazy and cloudy today i have no idea why. after donning on my training gear and my mp3 player, i started running around my neighbourhood. hell it was a fucking long time since i ran. i used to be able to run my usual 2 click route and still have energy to go for another round. but i was practically dying towards the end of the first round. my right knee was stiffing up, there was this acute pain in my lower back, and my breathing was totally irregular. argh. it's time i slowly stepped up my exercise regime instead of just chionging the whole two click in like less than eight minutes. right patella tendon's pretty much gone i suppose. been doin some sorta electrocluar-acupuncture kinda shit on the knee. it's said to be pretty useful as according to my mum. but right now my knee's just full of a lot of holes and my knee's even more stiffed up than ever. let's just hope it does work. argh i'm feeling weak all over. i'm such a wuss.

-forgot my name at 6:58 PM

well if i never lost you.

man. today was awesome. had a pretty peaceful afternoon at home by myself just staring at the comp not doing much. my new wardrobe came today. it's like so much bigger than my previous one. can't fit it into my bedroom so maybe i'll put a single-seating sofa in the space that was meant for the wardrobe. pretty cool i hope.
just when i thought this day was coming to an end, i received a totally unexpected phone call. i don't normally get phone calls over here. i could count the number of phone calls i get here annually with two hands or maybe one. my bestest childhood friend came back from australia. man i didn't even know he was back. i thought he was gonna be back in july or something. it's almost july i realized. haha. well, he and another of our childhood buddy all went out just for a simple dinner at some cafe near our place. damn cool. it's like haven't seen them for ages man. basically the three of us were like the three musketeers who always sat together on the school bus and would always compete with each other in running and every other sports. even though the seat was like pathetic we would always squeeze such that all of us managed to get a bit of seat. haha. the good old days. haven't seen my bestest friend for like almost two years i suppose and the other gooodie friend haven't seen him in like a year already. used to still meet him at the customs or somewhere occasionally. but really ain't seen them for a long time. seems like he's planning to go aussie to join my bestie too. that's like cool. man. why didn't i go join them. damn. ah but they're both rich asses. i don't wanna strain my parents. but it's real good to just eat with them and all and get to know what they're doing so far.
most of the time i were just clueless about what they're talking bout. kinda saddens me though. i realized we sorta drifted from each other since streaming in primary school. i was the em1 kid while the two of them were the average em2 students. the people we hung out with were different and so i don't know most of the people they were talking about through most of the conversations although they were in the same primary school as us. man my social circle was limited back then. then we went our separate ways in our secondary school. they went to neighbourhood schools while i went over to chinese high. ah. but it's good that they still remember me. never mind. it was a choice that i made and i don't regret any of it. just glad to know that they're all doing fine and all. oh and i might have a jogging partner now. could like ask the two of them out for jogging sometimes. cool!

-forgot my name at 12:58 AM

Monday, June 27, 2005

rum is for drinking, not for burning.

ever dreamt of becoming a superhero like batman? here's a breakdown on what it costs just to become one as provided by Forbes.

The Training: $30,000
The Suit: $1,585
The Belt: $290
The Car: $2,000,000
The Cave: $24,000
The Alter Ego: $1,109,574
The Butler: $200,000

The Bottom Line Final Cost: $3,365,449

of course the car refers to the bat tank that you see in the movie. you could always substitute it with a modified version of your chevrolet or something and that would probably only cost you 200k USD. but where's the fun in all that. the tank's virtually indestructible man.
i'm sorry but you can't pay for all these with your MasterCard. you wouldn't get a 3.3 million limit in your card anyway. you gotta write a check for all these.

-forgot my name at 2:10 AM

Sunday, June 26, 2005

martini kiss.

a pretty fine sunday i had over here. woke up rather early and watched cops on chan 5. then for the first time in weeks we're actually not painting some doors or cleaning up parts of the house. sorta went out shopping for new wardrobes cos mine has already collapsed. the door to one of the wardrobe completely fell off and the other's base is almost breaking. you wouldn't wanna know why. on the drive out i heard the latest single by black eyed peas. man. fergie's voice is sexy. this has gotta be the first time i have this opinion of a singer. i'm smitten by her voice. and of course she's hot. alright back to the topic.
yeap ordered two new wardrobes from courts today. cos it was simply too good a deal to resist. my mum ordered one for herself and one for me. so that's pretty cool. had the urge to buy a digicam for myself. but realized it would simply be a complete waste of money cos i don't take photos. not of myself and rarely of my surroundings. then sorta drove the car for service with my mum. realised the tyre rim is in a pretty bad shape and so are a couple of tyres. so did some alignment and balancing of the wheels and changed the motor oil etc. pretty cool. all these are actually pretty useful i suppose. cos the car seems pretty much smoother to drive so i suppose it's value for money. as according to my dad, they charged us pretty ex for everything maybe it's becos my mum charges them too high for the rent. haha.

-forgot my name at 8:59 PM

say you won't care.

haha. it's kinda funny i ain't blogged at all for the whole day today. really kinda outta stuff to say cos i virtually did nothing productive. just been sitting in front of my comp either watching shows or playing games. in a real lazy mood to do anything productive. and watched a lot of tv today. one of the most peaceful saturdays i've had recently. mentally of course.

-forgot my name at 2:27 AM

Saturday, June 25, 2005

retrace the steps.

ain't done much today. just kinda really slacked around at home these days. parents ain't asking much outta me. maybe they know that i'd be going to stay in hostel and start my uni life soon so they're giving me some breathing space while i still am able to.
kinda glad to be able to talk to a couple of people on msn today. for example jason who talked to me on msn and it was really rare to see him online these days. must be busy pranking people or something. although it was a really short conversation but it was nice to know that someone like him does miss me and so do i. then talked with yuanzhen. kinda cool to talk to her. at least she's like the only one i know so far who would be going to ntu and would be staying at hostel. she's given me a lotta insights on a lotta stuff. university stuff. about orientation camps and all that. i've just kinda ignored all those crap. ain't really an orientation kid. i'm some anti-social crap who would refuse to participate in those ice-breaking activities. then basically crapped around a lot with her and she just kinda kept me occupied for that short while. at least there was someone to crap to man. then she was kinda like saying hall 6 is the full of all the babes and hunks. and there's a possibility i might end up there not because i'm a babe or hunk but maybe because i was a hockey captain. ah whoever cares about all that crap man. i'm still keeping my fingers crossed about the random room mate they would allocate me. i hope it won't be some indian scholar with bo or china scholars or even malaysian scholars for that matters. it's kinda hard to click with scholars. that's for me. i may be generalising. but i haven't met someone from those categories whom i can click with yet so bear with me.
oh another point to add. i finished the lord of the flies today. pretty intriguing. i'm kinda cross-examining the book in my own way. thought provoking. time to move on to my other four books.

-forgot my name at 3:01 AM

Friday, June 24, 2005

polyamorous.

just another note to add to my previous entry. i'd very much prefer people with an attitude. not as in a real punk ass or a bad ass attitude but simply an attitude. someone who's got his/her own opinions about stuff. oh. and i check the profile section before checking out the photos section in friendster. it's very important that one is witty and cunningly funny to me.

-forgot my name at 12:53 PM

comfortably confused.

well, i just felt i oughta voice my opinion on this thing. so bear with me. yeah i won't deny that looks in today's society is muthafucking important. looks not as in the facial features only but the whole impression that you leave upon others upon first contact. the whole general image that you portray in public to be exact.
yes. 99.9% of you folks out there do go for looks in your partner-to-be and the remainder 0.1% are simply living in self-denial. be it consciously or sub-consciously, we are constantly on the prowl for people with looks that are simply similar to ours. for more details read this entry: Love. i personally do think that one's looks is important, as well as the figure of the opposite sex. but i do value someone who would be smart deep down. i don't really need a vase nor a sex slave in my life. one type of person i can't stand would be someone who's hollow deep down.
actually hollow is a very subjective word. different people may have different interpretations of it. hollow in my opinion, would refer to the lack of knowledge of current affairs or common sense and also the lack of ability to plan ahead. this applies to both male and female. he/she doesn't have to be fucking good in his results or anything. i don't really look up to people with excellent academic results. even if you can excel in your studies but you ain't got shit knowledge about the real world. you suck. that is definitely the most important qualities i look for in my friends. thought provoking conversations really perks me up and i do appreciate that. i love to think. i believe that there are a lot of things that i can learn from every single soul around me that cannot be found in any book. and i do appreciate that. so if i do consider you as my friend, it means that you can think.
come to think of it, i have a weird way of judging people. actually, honestly speaking, everyone to me are cool in their own single way. other than the posers who can do nothing but say 'yo wazzup!' that ain't cool man. i would define cool as in the ability to portray your true self and actually be confident about it. i honestly don't think that there's anything wrong with the geeks or the so-called high-panters (meaning geeks which wear their pants very high up). yes i have made fun about them along with my friends but i have commented before that 'it's quite cool what' and i basically got a lot of middle fingers shoved in my face. i mean they're just being themselves and they're confident about the way they're dressed so what's the big fuss. we don't ought to impose our own sense of fashion onto another being and making him/her feel totally uncomfortable with the idea. it ain't about fitting into the norm. but to create what's norm. so if you at any point of time have abandoned your own self just to go with the flow, i think you pretty much suck. this whole world's pretty much about how you can carry it off. just imagine, one day you see tom cruise wearing some real crappy clothes and has his pants damn high but he's freaking confident about the way he's dressed, he'd probably be leading the next fashion trend. it's pretty evident actually. my classmate sagar is actually crapping most of the time in his speeches be it in class or whatsoever, but he's able to carry it off well that's why you suckers out there think he's making a lot of sense. i appreciate the fact that people are giving me suggestions to keep my hair short cos it'd probably look nicer that way. i'd prefer to do it my way. i'll try it out and carry it off well like i always do. just be yourself. that's all that matters to me.

-forgot my name at 2:14 AM

on the fourth day of july.

ah. i've been trying to catch up on my current affairs knowledge and stuff. ain't really been missing out a lot it seems. i've been diligently watching the news every night these days. but the news ain't really informative about world affairs so i did my own sorta read ups over these few days and some researches here and there. just kinda interested to find out more about the singapore government's move on establishing itself with the middle-east countries. it's pretty evident i suppose. they could be the next big thing following china. india, in my opinion, ain't gonna be rising up so soon. a lot of factors favour the growth of the middle-eastern markets from what i've seen. the singapore government never does anything that would not benefit the country financially. it's simply paving the road to middle-east now and when the time is ripe, the economy is gonna be hitching a ride.
i'm sounding too all-knowing here. it's just a presumption on my part. but i do think there's a potential over there. also read up on the soaring oil prices, it's interesting to know about all these. it does affect us in every little way.

-forgot my name at 1:57 AM

Thursday, June 23, 2005

for all the things that you never ever told me.

yeah watched another episode of the superstar thing. i really wonder who would be kicked out tonight later on. i think the female judge is pretty useless over there. she's like criticizing about the image and all of the contestants and her criticisms ain't even make sense at times. she's just an old biatch who's trying to gain some fame. what a crap. i noticed something pretty interesting in the show though. apparently one of the contestants was trying to like act cool by showing the usual V sign the other way round. erm. i am sorry to say. but in the punk ass bitch world, that has an entirely different meaning. that would simply mean fuck off if you match the sign with a really constipated face. might be her friends would wanna let her know in case she don't get shot when she's in US or something.

-forgot my name at 9:38 PM

i'm still just a stupid worthless boy.

ah. had a pretty tiring day till now. was kept awake by my neighbour's constant drilling at like 9 plus or 10 plus in the morning. then there was a phone call from my mum around that time. so i basically didn't have much of a peaceful sleep. was supposed to drive my mum down to bank to settle some issues regarding her 2 credit cards. apparently there's a sum of 1.5k to be payed whereby we have no idea what it is about. it's pretty messy. even the managers don't have much of a clue what that is supposed to be. banks in malaysia are pretty fucked up basically. my dad drove her down in the end so i was supposed to tend the shop and all. alright. just got back from there.
well, in response to my fellow blogger's accusations about me being easily contented, in a way it is true. or you could say that i'm extremely down to earth or simply overly realistic. the list of the 10 things is actually the things that i would want to do if i really were to die in the near future, say one week later or somewhere around there. those are the things that i want to and i know i can do it maybe other than the last two which might prove to be a little challenging. but all in all, i do know my limits and i don't really ask for much out of life. you can't take away big cars or big houses when you die. so it all doesn't really matter in the end. what's important would be that i have the memories, the knowledge that i have attempted to make a difference to people's lives in one way or another. i do try to make everyone happy. as best as i could.
loneliness is but a feeling. and i do believe that it will go away eventually. or maybe one would simply get used to it and accept it as part of their everyday life. yes there are people around us who are constantly caring for you whether they put their thoughts into actions. but i suppose that's what makes the difference in a person's life. whether they do show it or no. just imagine a person driven to desperatation by loneliness, at the point just before he slashes his own wrist, he receives a sms which says "hey. how's you?" ain't that totally heartwarming. instead of things like he takes out his own phone and starts messaging one of his friends saying "hey. i'm dying. bye." then of course out of morality and social convictions the friend would be dying to call back and clarify things with him. the person may not necessarily be giving that much of a shit about the person just before he dies but he would be compelled to show just a little tlc for fear of the guilt that would be haunting him if that prick really dies. just imagine, if you were in the midst of watching an awesome movie and a friend suddenly calls you and tell you that he's just broken up and needs someone to talk to. in your mind you would probably be thinking "man, why the fuck must this prick call at a time like this." but you would feel obliged to talk to him and show him the way instead of telling it straight in his face "i'm watching a movie now, and you're kinda bothering me. why don't you call back in like two hours time. you could go play hide and fuck yourself in the meantime. or you could always stop wallowing in self pity and fucking move on. that's all i have to say anyway. bye." i shan't deny. there are times when i do feel like this too and i think most of the people out there does. ok i think i'm getting irrelevant. haha. you people are gonna shoot me cos of what i said man.

-forgot my name at 5:37 PM

this is the way i would have done this.

man i watched the superstar show just now. i must say that all of them could sing pretty well. none of them really looked like a superstar to me as of yet. i don't know man. maybe after a lot of packaging done by the record company they'd really be able to look like one. all the best to them.
just helped pj put up the haloscan shit or the comments thing you could see at the bottom of every entries. all she could do was call me fucker. u're welcomed bitch. haha. kinda tempted to put some similar things on my blog once again. yes. i do welcome people start talking to me. but i suppose i couldn't stand the emptiness when no one leaves comments. sounds gay huh. maybe i shall not do any shit like that for the time being.
yes. i think i'm gonna do some shit in this entry. i think i'm gonna tell you all my darkest secret. haha. like whoever gives a damn anyway right. of course, everyone has their own dark secrets. and so do i. it ain't no secret actually. it's just something that i did when i was much younger and nobody else seemed to know about it. well, basically i stole my parents money when i was let me recall...primary four if i remembered correctly. or was it primary three. around there. yup. i stole my parents' money to buy something...was it dragonball cards or something? haha. i really can't remember correctly. i think i bought a lot of other stuff too. pretty useless stuff. think i stole 50 or 100 bucks from my mum then i lost 50 bucks in school. after losing the money, i was like anxious so i went to my vp and told her i lost 50 bucks. cos it ain't normal for primary school kid to carry so much money to school, she demanded that i call my mum to get to school and only then she would give the money back. so i told my mum the truth and got the money back and got one hell of a beating when i went home. it was totally awesome man. i was whacked till i don't know how man. haha. nah i wasn't caned by my vp. it was probably domestic affairs so she couldn't cane me as much as she loved to cos i didn't steal from a classmate or whatever. oh yes i was caned by my vp too. on another occasion. she was basically walking around the corridors for no fucking reason then she saw me playing a prank on my classmate. i basically just pulled the chair away when he tried to sit down and she happened to spot it. then i was whacked a couple of times on my palm. ah that was crappy.
so yeah. all these are kinda like the darkest things about my past. ain't nobody knows about all these sort of stuff. no one. other than my parents and my brother. if they do still remember. and maybe my friend in australia. that's all. i've never mentioned about this to anyone else. so why am i talking about it now then? i don't know. it ain't something to be ashamed of. as in it's my past. i did such a thing and i'm not afraid to admit it. all i could possibly say now would be that i have learnt my lesson in the past. therefore when i see friends around me doing things like shoplifting and all that, i would know that that is something i would not repeat again. i learnt my lessons early and i'm glad for it. nah. i ain't shoplifted with my friends before. i don't like the notion of getting free stuff for no reason. but i am guilty of not stopping them though. i would like to apologize to cold storage for this mistake on my part.
hmm. ain't got any other particular dark secrets about me that people don't know about. yes i do watch porn. and yes i do have porn vcds at home. no i wasn't the one who bought them. yes i have some on my comp too. no i will not tell you which folder i kept them. no my parents do not know about the porn collections and they have never caught me wanking before. yes. i'm a wanker. so? i have the urge. don't you? yes i'm still a virgin. nope i've never had any crushes or fantasized on any of my teachers be it male or female. people around me? no. i can't imagine people around me without their clothes on. that's sick by my standards. cos i'd be meeting them every now and then. it ain't right. yes sometimes i go to bed without brushing my teeth. for example, yesterday night. yes sometimes i don't flush the toilet at home after i pee. but i do wash my hands. i cough and sneeze like nobody's business at home. i dig my nose when nobody's watching and i used to bite my nails but i've managed to kick the habit only until two months back. yes i do think i snore when i sleep. ain't pretty sure bout this. my parents never told me bout it nor did i ask them bout it. i have never abused my cat nor my rabbit before although i would very much like to at times. i'm an animal lover. =) no i don't go for animal sex. have never watched anything regarding that before. other than those on discovery channel or animal planet. ah yes i've flashed my ass at a couple of my friends before. don't ask me why. there is no why to this sorta things. it's just gotta be spontaneous man. yes at certain point of time in the past i wished my brother would simply just be gone or dead cos we used to have such heated arguments/fights that he would chase me with a chopping knife. i'd then run and hide in a room and lock the door. then he would kick and try to knock the door down. nah ain't been slashed by him before. that's why i'm still here. no i've never lied on my blog before. i just put things in an indirect manner when i do not wish to mention them directly. duh.
that's about all. i'm pretty much a straightforward person. ask me and i'll try my best to answer all queries about me. if i don't answer you. means i don't want to. duh.

-forgot my name at 1:48 AM

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

firefly.

woah feeling pretty good after singing/shouting along to the music that's playin on my comp for the past hour or so. it's nice. i'll just sit around and wait till it's 8 plus then i'm gonna bathe then watch the superstar show man. cool. oh and i did a couple of pull ups again. i just have some sorta fetish over that metallic bar man. can't seem to take my hands off it. did bout 40 pull ups in different sets for today. hmm. let's try to aim to be able to do say...20 pull ups by the time uni starts? man that's sick.

-forgot my name at 7:56 PM

life of a punk ass bitch.

yeah well, i've sorta sorted out my thoughts. it ain't worth the effort or my time worrying bout this and that all the time man. as jason mraz would sing it, i won't worry my life away. happy or unhappy, life goes on. the world doesn't revolve around me and i am but an insignificant bitch. so who really gives a damn. i might as well be happy and eat and sleep while i am still able to. laugh and sing out loud like nobody's listening. i ought to get a grip on my own life man. if i go on worrying so much, i'd get more wrinkles then i won't be looking as handsome as i already am. so i'm gonna be cool. yeah.
i'mma probably just adopt a couldn't care less attitude about certain things. actually it doesn't even concern me so why the heck should i bother worrying about all those stuff man. haha. yah. i'm such a dumb ass.
basically spent a couple of hours after i woke up sulking and wallowing in self-sympathy and all that kinda crap. hell that was unproductive man. then i went on to do some pull-ups and i felt better after feeling my muscles all tightening and all. after the workout and getting a grip on my balls, i went right on to clean up my other room. it was still dusty and all cos it was left as it is ever since the renovation started. and i'm pretty glad the room doesn't smell of lemon no more. it sucked man. oh yeah just finished my bowl of red bean soup. don't know where my mum got it from. i was just told to finish it. well, amidst all the cleaning, i thought about a lot of things. things of the past, things of the present and even some kinky stuff here and there. muahaha. sometimes i just wish that i had a poorer memory so that i won't remember so much stuff. be it useful or useless. i seem to remember things that people say to me for one hell of a long time. it ain't that i particularly tried to memorize those stuff but it just simply occupied itself in my mind. it is because i remember them that i wonder. wonder how people could actually say those things whether they mean it or no i could not tell. a part of me's wishing that they do actually mean what they say and that i ought to be glad about it. yet the things that were said simply doesn't tally with the way things are. so it makes me wonder. maybe it's just meant to be some little white lie people tell you to make you a lil bit happier. maybe. ok i'm thinking too much again. i'm supposed to be a punk ass bitch with a totally shit up attitude. ok. hey yo what up baby.

-forgot my name at 5:56 PM

it's hard to play a geek in this town and keep a straight face.

a crappy sleep i had. i simply knew it. i don't even dare to look myself in the mirror today. i know what i'll see. memories of yesterday haunted me through the night. everything just seemed to be replaying over and over again. not that it's scary or anything. but it's simply disturbing. now i don't even feel as if i've slept. what more can i say? it's like fuck.
the very thing that i've been trying to run away from for so long comes haunting me once again. man. can't someone just gimme a hug and tell me everything's gonna be alright?
"a beautiful girl can make you dizzy,
like you've been drinking jack and coke all morning.
she can make you feel high,
full of the single greatest commodity known to man:
promise. promise of a better day.
promise of a greater hope.
promise of a new tomorrow.
this particular aura,
can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl.
in her smile, and in her soul.
in the way she makes every rotten little thing about life,
seem like it's gonna be ok."

i hope i meet a real beautiful girl today.

-forgot my name at 11:42 AM

great romances of the 20th century.

a beautiful girl can make you dizzy,
like you've been drinking jack and coke all morning.
she can make you feel high,
full of the single greatest commodity known to man:
promise. promise of a better day.
promise of a greater hope.
promise of a new tomorrow.
this particular aura,
can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl.
in her smile, and in her soul.
in the way she makes every rotten little thing about life,
seem like it's gonna be ok.

september never stays this cold.
where i come from and you know.
i'm not one, for complaining.
but i love the way you roll,
excuses off the tip of your tongue,
as i (slowly) slowly, quietly, slowly, fall apart.

this won't mean a thing tomorrow.
and that's exactly how i'll make it seem.
cause i'm still not sleeping,
thinking i've crawled home from worse than this.
so please, please, (please)
i'm running out of sympathy, (i'm running out of sympathy.)
i never said i'd take this,
i never said i'd take this lying down.

she says, c'mon c'mon,
let's just get this over with. (3x)

i never said i'd take this lying down.
well i've crawled home from worse than this.
from worse than this!

you always come close,
but this never comes easy.
i still know everything. (3x)

you always come close,
but this never comes easy. (2x)

i never said i'd take this lying down.

you always come!
you're coming close.

i never said i'd take this lying down.
but i've crawled home from worse than this.
if it's not keeping you up nights,
then what's the point? (4x)

i'm in your room,
well is this turning you on?
am i turning you on?

i'm in your room,
are you turned on?
i'm on the corner of your bed.
are you turned on? (2x)

i really love the first verse in the track. and the third verse.
so what's the point. you don't even know. neither do i.

-forgot my name at 2:43 AM

she wishes god would give her some answers and make her feel beautiful.

hmm. like what can i say bout today man. for the first time in like two weeks i don't feel like blogging. kinda had a crappy day. a real crappy one. i should have known the minute i woke up man. when i looked into the mirror, i thought i looked pretty normal.
well, i then proceeded on to drink my milk and eat a couple of slices of bread. then i was made to help my dad drill several holes in the wall to mount a fan onto the wall and that sorta stuff. everything got real crappy after that cos my mum raised her voice at me when she was pissed with my dad in actual fact. and i was real pissed off man. totally. i can't stand people raising their voice at me. no way. things pretty much cooled down in bout two hours time and we sorta discussed bout another topic. about whether to take up the tuition grant or simply to pay the full tuition fees. apparently after analysing the tuition grant in monetary terms, she thinks that it's a pretty good deal and that i should take it up no matter what. but hell she doesn't understand that the last thing that i want is to be tied down anywhere man. then she went on blabbering about how good it would be if i take up the tuition grant and she even offered to give me the same amount of money that would be saved in like four years. well, that sorta pissed me off cos it seems like she's already decided on it. so i, having no one in particular to talk to and nowhere to vent my anger, saw a cardboard box that's full of crap in side and i went punching it. the box was rather full and i think i hit kinda hard so i think i strained the veins at my right wrist and my fingers too. but hell. whatever man.
i'm still pretty much disturbed by that tuition grant thing man. cos i thought i had everything planned. now that that thing comes up, it's gonna disrupt the whole thing. it's like crap man. shit just seems to keep coming for the rest of the day. firstly, i missed my 10 o'clock show cos my family decided to dine out at the last minute. secondly, somehow i failed to discover earlier that my malaysia sim card's out of talktime credit. so i'm like wow. how bad can a day get. and now i'm like feeling cold and crappy. and thirdly, apparently i didn't manage to reply to a distress call in time but luckily some superhero has managed to save the damsel in distress. so i'm like whatever man. i had been sneezing non-stop for the whole afternoon for no fucking reason. and i didn't even have a proper lunch today cos there simply just ain't no lunch in the first place. this is just a real crappy day man.

-forgot my name at 1:18 AM

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

oh johnny wishes he was famous.

yes. i'm blogging again. what? you don't like it? so sue me. haha. i ain't got nothing much to do over here while just letting my neopets page auto refresh itself every 9 seconds. so i'm back at blogging. i'll just try to keep this short and sweet man. oh did i mention that i think the girl in black eyed peas is hot? oh hell yeah i think she is. she's like hot. i'll stop here before i start sounding sick.
apparently some people seemed to be pretty interested in my msn nick. the julia thingy has attracted some unwanted attention from people who i seldom talk to even. it ain't even mean anything man. people just love juicy gossips don't they. nah there ain't no girls in my so-called love life as of now man. nada. who needs all those when i'm like so busy everyday doing shit man. haha. yeah i'm lying to myself. so sue me. what kinda girls am i looking for? i don't know man. i ain't looking out for no one. i'mma just take whoever comes along. muahaha. maybe i oughta do like what the song says. get the flyers up and get people to start looking out for the girl with my heart on her sweater. come to think of it, julia's a pretty nice name. (",)

-forgot my name at 2:09 AM

julia.

Can you see her standing there,
Well shes trying to find just anywhere.
Flowers in her hand, yes
She doesn't know why.

Offered is advice to you,
And all you do was fake it.

[Chorus]
And she's only yours tonight,
Oh she never cries.
But I know there's pain inside,
There's Julia.

Drowning in her own visions,
When she's begging the past to stay behind.
Black cat in the night,
Black cat in the sky.

Offered is advice to you,
You left, but I don't blame you.

[Chorus]
And she's only yours tonight,
Oh she never cries.
But I know there's pain inside,
There's Julia.

Digging up the past,
To cross that line,
To bury it, one last time.

Offered is advice to you,
and all you do was fake it.
I know there's pain inside this truth,
But you just have to face it.

And she's only yours tonight,
Oh she never cries.
Mother, I know there's pain inside
There's Julia (yeah) x4
(No, yeah, no, yeah)

i'm listening to the acoustic concert version of this song. man it just blows me away. i so love the sound of the piano and the vocals. our lady peace's a pretty nice band. by my standards of course. kinda makes me wanna cry when i hear this song. yeah go on and laugh. i'm a fag and you ain't no much better. argh i'm gonna cry. haha.
i just love watching mtvs man. i could just sit there and watch mtv the whole day and not do anything else. you might not know what's so interesting about mtvs but i can relate to it. or at least i try to. it's like you can see the crowds jumping around in some of those rock mtvs. i could relate to them man. and i want to. cos i would so very much like to go to another rock concert. being there for the linkin park concert was a dream come true for me. everything was like a dream. a wet and tiring dream. whereby everyone simply screamed their lungs out and jumped right from the start to the end. that was unforgettable. it was because of the concert that i made a trip further up to ipoh to take one last look at my grandpa before he passed away bout a month later. i so dearly miss him at times. he's always doted on me whenever i'm in ipoh or whenever he's in jb when i was still a suckling babe. i could still remember that every year on the first day of chinese new year he would give me an ang pow first thing in the morning. his laughter, his booming voice all gone now. no wonder chinese new year ain't seem to be as lively as before. i miss him.

-forgot my name at 1:27 AM

your daddy was an alcoholic.

man it's like kinda cold tonight i wonder why. thought it was supposed to be warm and humid. but i'm feeling cold. saw on the news the thing about the F1 championship. apparently schumacher has won his first 'grand prix' of the year with only five other competitors. what crap. the organisers should have better sense than to continue with the match knowing that 7 other teams would back out of the competition due to the problem with the michelin tyres. it's really crappy just seeing 6 cars on the track and two of them are ferraris and the rest are like crap. let's give them a fair match man. it ain't fair to the other teams losing the valuable points which are vital in the constructors championship. ferrari's gone this year man. they blame every other thing like tyres, road conditions etc but do not reflect upon what exactly has gone wrong. that's like crap. at least we'll have a new winning team this year. i wonder when it would be malaysia's turn to win.

-forgot my name at 1:03 AM

Monday, June 20, 2005

life, is floating fast away.

well, ain't done much for today. just basically slacked around and played games for the whole day. helped out my uncle in ipoh search for some electrical components online too. most of the people were busy over there so yeah i gotta do it. woah and i just finished watching another 2 episodes of lost. man, the show just captivates me. it's totally awesome. the mysteries just seem to pile up man. gets kinda scary at times cos you won't know what's gonna happen in the show and i was kinda freaked out just now man. haha. the whole house was empty and the show was scary. what do you expect man. yeah it's time for my show again. =)

-forgot my name at 9:53 PM

i wish you were here.

man, this is like one of the weird days whereby i wake up all of a sudden for no particular reason and feel all awake right away. i love to look at the mirror when i wake up in the morning. cos somehow i look exceptionally fit and trim and cute and all only at that particular time of the day. maybe it's because i'm still half-awake and my eyes are barely open. who cares. i love what i see in the mirror man. i'm a narcissistic piece of crap. so sue me. bitch.

-forgot my name at 12:53 PM

i dare you to move.

oh i remembered something i was gonna talk about after lookin thru my blog. remember the previous entry i made about the things to do before i die. it's the last entry on this page. yes. that one. every word of it is real. i wasn't crapping. that's all.

-forgot my name at 1:13 AM

thank you for the venom.

was gonna get the lyrics for the song but it seems too fucking long so never mind. ain't got nothing much to blog about. i'm pretty tired. brain seems dead enough to me. oh i've been stoning online for bout an hour listening to my mp3s. crap. time to get off.

-forgot my name at 1:09 AM

Sunday, June 19, 2005

left my suicide note on the door.

i'm pretty tired again today. kinda suffering from a lack of sleep again. why? my neighbour's doing renovations too. probably was inspired by my family. basically all the knockings and drillings would start at round 9am and that's when i would start to toss and turn and wake and sleep in my bed. argh.
my bro has gone back to KL. getting pretty lonely once again. he ain't around to lame no more so it's pretty quiet in the house now. it was kinda dramatic actually. he missed the time for his bus cos my mum was busy preparing some food for him to eat on the bus. then kinda met up with a traffic jam on our way down to the bus interchange. we saw the bus coming out of the interchange just when we've arrived over there and we were like oh man. well, then we checked with the personnel at the bus counter and they offered to help us contact the driver to wait for us at some bus stop along the road. so then we sorta began a bus-chase around town. yeah we did find the bus waiting at the bus stop and my bro got on the bus and he's on his way back there. good for him.
my arms are aching bad. must be i tried to act macho yesterday and did too many pull ups. now i could barely lift my hands over my head. argh.

-forgot my name at 7:16 PM

so embrace me.

well, i said i was gonna blog so here i am again. can't seem to focus my attention on doing one thing for more than half an hour today. been switching between playing games, neopets, msn, book, tv and food through the night. what's with me man.
my bro made me buy those pc microphone today too. now it's like beside my speaker and i honestly do wonder what the heck i'm supposed to do with it. the thing's like so disturbing man. the stick-like shape of the mike reminds me of some kinda anal probe or something. haha. somehow my ass feel threatened seeing the thing there. but luckily it's black so it matches my whole comp in a way. i'm cool with it. i hope i don't shove it up mine someday soon.
actually i was gonna blog about something about me just now. but my bro was up and walking around and i don't like the notion of him reading in on my thoughts and all so i decided to wait till now before blogging. ok so what was i gonna say. oh i remember. i was gonna say something bout lying. don't ask me why i wanna talk bout this all of a sudden. the mind works in a very peculiar manner. i do know that i always do tell people that i don't like to lie and i seldom do. it ain't because i ain't good at lying. i honestly don't think so. in fact, i think that i'm such a fucking good liar i haven't been caught in my lies for...i can't remember how long. well, that's actually the part of me that i dislike. the part of me that lies. so why do i choose to be so fucking honest most of the time then. maybe it's because one lie leads to another and being a slacker myself, i really can't tell too much lies. it's too tiring to keep everything going man. another thing would be the guilt in lying. it's too much to take man. and it really sucks. so i'd rather not lie if i have a choice. i guess the whole lot of you might've been pretty confused by now. when was i lying and when was i not. everything's deceptive in a way around us. who can tell what's true and what's not.
everyone's trying to make themselves look good all the time. be it consciously or sub-consciously. i do admit that i care a lot about how others view me. maybe in a lot of people's opinion, i'm some kinda nice guy who ain't got much major flaws. that's my way of making myself look good. i wouldn't show you all my faults and let you criticize them right. let's just put it as that i know how to conceal my darker side well enough to not let it show. i really ain't as great as i seem. i'm hairy, have curly hair, topless most of the time at home, have an alter ego, digs my nose when no one's looking, eats in an utterly messy manner at home, sometimes i don't even brush my teeth before going to bed. that's like how disgusting man. oh and i lie real well. having second thoughts already? (",)
why's the whole world asking me this man. why am i blogging so much recently? hmm. probably i'm just trying to find an avenue to divert my attention from certain stuff in life. i ain't gonna worry my life away. gotta find something to do to keep myself occupied and probably also to let you all know what i'm up to daily. it ain't as if you all give a shit anyway. but it really gladdens me to know that there are those few who would bother to read on my blog every so often. thanks. you know who you are.

-forgot my name at 2:56 AM

Saturday, June 18, 2005

you say the most beautiful things.

kinda had a pretty hectic day today. was driving around from place to place or moving from one place to another throughout the day. i'm rather busted now. spent my morning and my afternoon driving my mum around shopping centres to buy stuff and i managed to buy myself a chin up bar too. mounted it at the doorway of this room pretty cool. i'm amazed that i could still manage to do 10 although i ain't really been exercising other than doing my regular pumping daily. who says pumping ain't useful.
driving around on expressways in malaysia is intimidating to a certain extent. there's always the constant pressure from the cars behind to make you drive faster cos they freaking wanna kiss your ass when you drive too slowly. almost knocked a mum with his son down while they were jaywalking. apparently they didn't know that my car was coming and they just walked on. but luckily i saw it coming and managed to decelerate till bout 40km/h then jammed the brake just before hitting them. i'm glad they're alright. they really ought to be careful. might not be so lucky next time. almost hit 100 today while driving. didn't dare to cos my mum was keeping a close watch on the speed gauge so never mind. it's good to be careful when driving. =)
i love to observe people. maybe it isn't a matter of whether i like to or no. i have nothing much to do most of the time while travelling here and there so that's like the only form of entertainment i have. it's interesting to observe people do certain things they do while they're alone or talking to their friends. and a lot of things i find that i could actually interpret it and try to understand what's going through the person's mind in a way. sounds psychotic but that's me. i've been analysing so much so that i could actually rationalise every little thing that i do. i don't know man. this may be good or bad. i really don't know. i've been using my brain more than i use my heart. sometimes i just wish i could be a little more reckless and wilful. i do know why i'm blogging so very often recently. but i ain't gonna tell you. (",) i'll probably blog again later.

-forgot my name at 9:44 PM

chop suey.

oh hell man. i'm addicted to this song. the guitar and drums part in the first 30 secs of the song simply mesmerizes me my dear. it's like awesome dude. never been a fan of metal but this is gonna be one of my favourites man. used to think they were more like slipknot but i guess not. i love them man.
had a pretty much ordinary day today. but it was enjoyable nonetheless. mum woke me up to drive her down to bank again for some stuff and to the market to buy some fishes. driving was off today man. shan't dwell too much on it. my bro came back from KL today to stay over the weekend then he'll probably be goin back on sunday cos he got lessons on monday. yes i know it's kinda dumb to do so but hell. this is his home too. he's got a right to do whatever he wants. he's still nice and gay and yeah still looking cool. copied a couple of games on my comp for him to keep him occupied when he's back in KL. my whole family's asleep now and i suppose i ought to be doing the same soon enough. still replaying the song in my winamp though. oh yah watched the tv shows i wanted to watch today and yeah it's nice and all. especially the guess show featuring the e cup girls. *coughs* it's erm..nice.

-forgot my name at 2:41 AM

Friday, June 17, 2005

10 things to do before i die.

as i was sitting at my comp typing out the previous two entries. there was a sudden acute pain in my lower spine. it's those kinda prickly kinda pain. ain't got no idea why. been having back problems since ages back anyway. guess it's more or less a slip disc problem. haven't done a checkup on it yet. my parents have dismissed it as simply over-exercising and i ought to be fine after a rest. but the pain's been there for many a years now. just that sometimes the pain would come and sometimes it wouldn't. would kinda feel the pain when i twist to a particular position. the kinda pain that would make me tear man. but ain't feeling it now. so i guess it's alright. i've already got tendidtitis man. i've got enough injuries to last me a lifetime. (",)
back to the topic. i was thinking of doing a list of 10 things to do before i die. was inspired by the show Austin Powers: Goldmember. remember he taking out a notepad with a list of 10 things to do before he dies and the last one being to have a threesome with a japanese twins. awww that must be one helluva life man. actually, come to think of it, i don't think there's 10 things that i really want to do before i die. i have even less than that but i'll try to squeeze something in to make them 10 as i go along. i don't seem to ask much out of life do i.

in no order of preference other than the first 5:
1. donate a sum of money to the starving children in ethiopia.
2. tell my parents how much i love them and i am indeed grateful to them for everything.
3. tell my grandmother in ipoh how much i'll miss her when i'm gone.
4. climb up gunung tahan once again. or just some other expeditions into the forest for about a week or so.
5. visit tibet and know more about their cultures and way of life.
6. get a tattoo.
7. do a bungee-jump.
8. tell all my friends how much i'll miss them when i'm gone. and how i love all of them so.
9. watch sunrise at the top of a mountain with the woman i love in my arms.
10. threesome with japanese twins.

-forgot my name at 1:42 AM

if i could be anything, i would be medication for you.

argh just a continuation from the previous post. kinda got lots of thoughts running across my mind while i was playing those flash games on neopets just now. suddenly remembered a lot of things that i wanna talk about but didn't do so in the previous entry. pardon me. i'm kinda tired and my brain ain't working along the usual line.
there's something about batman that kinda interests me actually. not the 'it doesn't matter who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you'. no i wasn't gonna talk bout that. it makes sense. that's it. i was gonna talk about the perception of justice and vengeance in the show. well, who could say who is right and who is wrong. they say justice brings peace and harmony to the world whereas vengeance only brings happiness to you. hmm. who knows. after all, the league of shadows believed what they did was right and so did batman believe in his own actions. yes, the league of shadows may be extreme in their ways but the intention itself was good. what's right and what's wrong in this world. who can tell.
oh and actually i was wondering. i was talking about offering incense to my gramma everyday. i wonder what do other people pray for when they offer incense to their one true god everytime. for me, all along i've only wished for the safety and good health for my parents. i really do so. i love them so so much. although i haven't told them before. my family's those kinda traditional families whereby these sorta things are not talked about. i do so want them to be safe and healthy and definitely to be happy. =) i can't stand people who are disrespectful to my parents even at their shop. i could just feel the anger rising within whenever some arrogant bastard/bitch come along into the shop thinking he's goddamn rich who can buy everything. what losers. empty vessel makes the loudest noise.

-forgot my name at 1:30 AM

give me a reason to believe.

pretty tired after walking around for the whole day. ain't been doing much walking at home recently. maybe i oughta get out more. nah maybe not.
met up with arthur to catch batman today then went on to meet dingy for dinner and to get my hockey stick back from him. wasn't supposed to watch batman actually. was gonna watch smith but hell it was just not our day. we just couldn't get the slots we wanted and we were too plain lazy to walk from one end of town to the other to catch a show la. so we just made do. nothing much to say bout the show. not a thought provoking show. just one of those shows u watch and go wa-wa-ga-ga and it's over.
somehow there's this thought in my mind which says that i've forgotten to do something today. but i just can't seem to find out what. maybe i'm just paranoid man. ah ok i haven't offered incense to my gramma today. i'll do it now.
it's regarding something i forgot to do while i was in singapore actually. argh maybe i'm just paranoid man. i ain't really those superstitious people but i do make it a point to offer incense to my gramma first thing i wake up every day. i'm the only one who offers incense to her actually. well, it ain't because i'm on good terms with her. i don't have memories of her actually. she passed away while i was still a suckling babe. it's just that i feel that she's sorta watching over our family all these while. i don't know how to put it man. it's just something you feel man.
ah and of course my long-awaited admission package came today too. it came at 10 plus. luckily i was awake already. it's some form of courier whereby they have to acknowledge it's really me and all that crap. apparently they left out one particular form which is required for me(international students) to take my HIV and TB test. i've gotta make my way down to the student's office when i go for my medical checkup at NTU sometime later. fucked up. applied for my hostel and stuff already. nothing much to do. already settled most of the university stuff. just gotta wait for the medical checkup then i can go and get my student pass done. just gotta wait. wait.

-forgot my name at 12:53 AM

Thursday, June 16, 2005

i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut.

ah i must say i'm really touched to see the blind singer making it into the final 24 for the talent search thing. i really didn't expect that. i thought they would've dismissed him on the acocunt that he can't see but his singing is definitely superb. i kinda like his voice that's all. it's like if you close your eyes and listen to their singing throughout the show, his voice would be the one that stands out from them all. not because he can sing better but you could hear the emotions he's put into his singing. and that is hard. well, i'm really pleased with the results. i only care whether he's able to get in actually and i'm real glad he did. gonna meet up with dingy and arthur my dear tomorrow. let's hope it's gonna be good. time to get to reading or something. ah i'm so very happy with the way my room's looking now. whole room's brighter and less dusty but i'm still coughing. what the heck.

-forgot my name at 2:12 AM

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

life of a bangladeshi maid.

man, this must be the first time i've sat down ever since my lunch today. mum woke me up at noon to drive her down to the bank cos she was out of cheque and needed to get a few cheque books from the bank. so being a fillial son i drove her down and bought lunch on the way back. kinda happy with my driving recently. at least i'm more confident in my driving although i'm still kinda reckless at times. (",)
after lunch she basically just gave me orders to clean up the fan in my room and three other fans which are to be mounted onto the walls at separate locations. that leaves me with four fans to clean man. well, two of them were pretty clean and only my fan was totally disastrous man. it was like black. i wonder when was the last time i cleaned it. i seriously couldn't remember. guess that must have been one helluva long time.
after cleaning my fan, i thought that my room's pretty dusty and dark with all the rubbish around the room. so i decided to clean up the whole bloody room as well. i couldn't remember when was the last time i cleaned it so it's one helluva long time too. so then i spent my time cleaning my room and washing the fans from 2 till now. i'm really dying man. you couldn't imagine the amount of dust and dirt on my books and shelves due to the renovations previously. of course there were a couple of dead roaches here and there. i wasn't the one man. they just died on me. the most astonishing find of the day would have to be small pellets of rabbit shit. for those of you who have kept rabbit as a pet before would know that their shit comes in like small round balls and i found like one cluster at some corner of the room man. when did it come in and mark its territory i really don't know. but i'm gonna stew it one fine day man. time for tv now.

-forgot my name at 8:17 PM

this is the way i would have done this.

well, it kinda gladdens me to see on the news that michael jackson has been proven not guilty by the jury and is acquited finally. it ain't that i'm some sorta michael wacko fan or anything. i just feel that he seems innocent and true enough to me in all of his dealings with kids. i really don't feel that he's the sort who would do that kinda stuff to kids. maybe one day he might be convicted at last i don't know. but he just don't seem like the sort to me man. instead, i'm doubting the intentions of all these people who are sueing him all the freakin time. don't they ever get tired of him. maybe everyone should just bugger off and let him live the rest of his life away the way he wants man.

-forgot my name at 1:15 AM

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

i'm far from lonely and it's all that i've got.

woke up pretty early all by myself today. gonna try sleeping earlier these days. don't ask me why. i just feel like doing so. maybe i'm sick of my mum's constant nagging and nagging. ain't done nothing much today. spent my noon going out with my dad to buy some wires and sockets cos we gotta add a few more sockets in the new room and my original room. learnt pretty much from him about how all these things ought to be done. pretty cool. then basically helped my parents do this and that. now i'm back home and my rabbit's knocking it's bowl around again. probably hinting me that it's empty. i'm too lazy to go out to feed it. i'm just plain evil ain't i.

-forgot my name at 7:23 PM

Monday, June 13, 2005

we were only 15.

just a pretty normal day today except that i coughed pretty much more than normal today. my throat's really irritated i wonder why. well, a couple of people who's seen my nick on msn was like asking me who the girl with my heart on her sweater was. i really don't know man. i'm still searching and maybe you people might wanna help me find one with my heart on her sweater. (",) anyway the nick's just part of the song i posted here a couple of days back.
kinda spent half the day helping my mum rearranging some of the furnitures around the house and changing a few taps here and there. there's still lots of cleaning up to do and painting still to be done. spent the other half of my day watching lost. i'm just so addicted to it. one episode after another. can't seem to get my eyes off the show. every episode brings about more mysteries and stuff. you people catching it on tv would probably die wanting to know what would happen next. i'm already done with the fifth episode. gotta stop myself from watching or else i won't be able to get my ass to watch my ten o'clock show. oh there's arrested development tonight. hope i don't forget to watch it too. feel like catching a movie say on thursday. let's see if i can get company. been one hell of a long time since i watched any show. oh no. the last show i watched was star wars and it was with arthur. haha. how come it seems so long ago.

-forgot my name at 9:27 PM

the taste of ink.

kinda read through most of my archived entries. it all just seemed like yesterday. somehow after reading through all of them, i only realized one thing. i haven't changed a bit. in fact, i even seem to be repeating what i'm blogging. fuck.
thanks a lot to jing who helped me with the archives thing. you're really a great help. nice talking to you too. (",)
when am i gonna grow out of this shit man.

-forgot my name at 1:36 AM

Sunday, June 12, 2005

white it out like glittering wax butterflies.

just kinda watched a lifestyle programme on channel u this afternoon. kinda cool to be able to backpack travel around the exotic places and meeting all the kind folks over there. i mean it's like good to see that there are people living deep in the mountains who are all so friendly and warm to strangers. they are just all so innocent and pure and seemed so untouched by modern civilization. if it were me, i wouldn't mind living their lives. working in the fields when dawn breaks and rest at home during sunset. could spend the afternoon time gazing at the mountains far away or could even try to climb up one of those mountains and gaze far away. what a life that must be.

-forgot my name at 10:25 PM

a certain shade of green.

my cough's gonna get much worse with all this painting going on around me. the smell of thinner and stuff is simply choking.
finally had a night without dreams. yet i did not sleep much all the same. finally got to sleep at 5 plus or was it 6. my mum woke me up at 8 plus and i was kept awake by the constant drillings in my neighbour's place. the choking smell of the paint made me cough non stop in a way. i'm just weak.
if only all things in life was in black and white. then there wouldn't have to be so much guessing and questioning going on around. i love black and white. i don't think they can be considered as colors but i love them all the same. it's just so plain simple and ordinary. if it ain't black, it's gotta be white. how nice.
i've been telling myself not to worry my life away. but it ain't working much. i'm not as strong-willed as i hoped i was. i'm just kinda stressed up in a way. i hate the feeling of waiting for things to happen. if only i could get a grip on my life. on myself.
maybe i oughta expect less outta my life. after all, i'm just a plain stupid worthless boy. i don't complain much about life nor the things around me. i seldom take things for granted. i give and i take. that's kinda how it is. all these doesn't seem to have any link. ah fuck it.
ain't got no idea why i've been reminded of a lot of memories of the past these few nights. all these images of when i was in secondary school seems extraordinarily clear to me and i could almost feel myself reliving that scenario once again. i went into chinese high as a stupid boy who basically knew no one around me other than these few other people i've sorta met during orientation. only got one other classmate in primary school who got into the same school as me. he's real cranky though. but nice all the same =)
boys' school was nice. the whole atmosphere is different from that of a co-ed to me. at least the feelings were more genuine and people played much harder in a simpler way. everyone was like a friend in school. no matter who you are, everyone seemed like a friend to me. almost everyone in the same level knew who each other was in a way although they might not have talked. there was always something new around the corner, some squabblings or some fights here and there occasionally.
secondary one passed by very fast. had very vivid memories of what i did in class that year. the first feeling i had was the anxiety that i'm surrounded by smart alecks all around me and there was this need to study hard and perform in a way. only remembered one incident whereby i sorta got rather lousy grades for my chinese test or something then i was real sad but luckily i had a friend who encouraged me. after that, failing seems all too often for me that i've already become numbed. my grades were usually neither good nor bad. always one of those in the middle of the class or slightly above average. mediocre in a way. all the way.
one thing i felt was that you could tell that people was trying to outdo each other in a good kinda way. not to show off to others but to prove that they can do it in a way. i had that kinda mentality for a period of time but i failed miserably in doing so. then i thought of another way of my own. outdoing people even though i didn't study for it. throughout all these years of studying, i realized there are actually two kinds of people. one who always says that he didn't study but mug hard on their own and get good results or the other kind who doesn't study and hope to pass everytime.
secondary two was one helluva year. did lots of crazy shit that year with my class people. we kinda mingled much better in the second year and our class spirit was damn strong i would say. all of us went all out to run in the annual cross country race and our class was the overall first in the lower sec group. they basically took the best 6 runner's rankings from each class and add them all up. four of the people in my class was in top 10 and i was one of the two in the top 20. then we pretty much hanged out together. slacking at king albert's park everyday after school playing all sorts of card games and getting chased off by the mcdonalds staff everytime. providing breakfast and lunch and a place to stay for one of our classmate who ran out of his house for some time. it was crazy but everything's fine for him now and i'm glad it is so.
secondary three and four was pretty boring cos we were all streamed to different classes already. my class...pretty alright. majority pretty studious. with my usual group of slackers around. haha well could remember a particular incident though. my friend copied my homework and in the end my teacher flared up cos she discovered that both our work was the same. well, she felt that i was the one who copied and sorta aimed at me in front of the whole class but luckily my friend owned up. after that, she pretty much stayed off my tail. kinda hard to believe huh. i always did my homework back in sec school. maybe it's becos i've been such a good bootlicker back in sec school, they gave me some form of award that says that i'm a young gentleman or something. well, basically the teacher has to nominate one person from each class and go through a panel of judges or some crap.
life back then was pretty much carefree and careless in a way. everyone's more childish in a way and it was all filled with laughter and laughter. how nice.

-forgot my name at 1:22 PM

choke on this.

probably i just need to regain my trust in a lot of things. i've been losing faith. i'm fading away man. fading. just fading.

-forgot my name at 3:49 AM

have you seen the girl with my heart on her sweater.

ah the song has beautiful lyrics. i just love this whole part of the song. i really wonder if anyone does actually bother to at least skim through the lyrics of the songs i've posted all these while. i guess the most you all did was to just read the title of the song and that's it man. well, nothing wrong actually. i posted the lyrics for my own convenience to refer to it anyway. haha
it's 3 am and i still ain't gonna sleep although i'm very much dead beat from the nightmares i've been having the past two days. what am i waiting for. i don't know man. everyday i'm waiting. waiting for that miracle to happen perhaps. waiting for it to go away. waiting. just waiting.
i just love talking to jing online sometimes. she can be really thought-provoking at times but most of the time she just acts all so carefree and don't give a shit about the world. but of course, she can be a real mean bitch at times. haha well, one thing i do agree with what she said was that everyone's pretending. and i do agree that includes me as well. in fact, i've been pretending for so long i can no longer differentiate which is the real me. and i thought the fact that i'm blogging is to help me know myself better. apparently not. i'm just turning into someone whom i no longer know. i really don't.
what's wrong with me man. i'm becoming so skeptical of all the people and all the things around me. i'm even beginning to feel that i'm actually some childish piece of crap whining on my blog all day long. bitch.

-forgot my name at 2:51 AM

Saturday, June 11, 2005

wish you were here.

another bad night for me. had another night full of dreams. i ain't even sure if it's a nightmare or no. somehow my brain just felt as if it was working through the night and didn't get no rest at all. couldn't even say if it's a dream cos all i can remember is that i keep seeing lots and lots of pictures flashing across my mind. lots as in thousands i think. some were people i know while mostly it was just full of faces of people whom i have no idea if i've seen before or no. it's so disturbing i woke up several times trying to shake that thought off my head but once i get back to sleep, the slide show resumes. it was crazy. or maybe i am going crazy.
this is so fucked. i'm feeling all so shitty again. haha

-forgot my name at 5:12 PM

Taking Back Sunday - Lost and Found

We were only 15
I let her go like paper air planes
How can I explain
That I'm lost without you around

What if I never lost you
I wouldn't have to find you over and over
(over and over)
You're the one I've, I've always wanted
The one that I just can't live without

No one understands
The meaning of your eyes
And how I feel
Burning deep inside

What if I never lost you
I wouldn't have to find you over and over
(over and over)
You're the one I've, I've always wanted
The one that I just can't live without

Get the flyers up
Have you seen the girl with my heart on her sweater
Get the flyers up
Have you seen the girl with my heart on her sweater
my heart on her sweater
Send her on my way
Send it here to stay

Sending light just like a star
Telling me where you are
Where you are
Sending light just like a star
When you come to me
Come today
(So) Embrace me and make me sure (Embrace me)
Embrace me and make me sure
That you're lost without
You're lost without
You're lost and found
You're lost and found
You're my lost and found

i don't know why all of a sudden i find that this song is ultra nice man. i almost cried when i sang along to the tune and all. like what the fuck. gay.

-forgot my name at 12:31 PM

forget my name.

just something crappy here i suppose. kinda too muthafucking bored at 2 am. well, i'm pretty much into rock bands and all as you people may know. maybe it ain't purely that i like their music. i guess a part of me wish that i could be someone like them. not really a rock star. but the image that they've portrayed themselves to be. so free. to do what they really enjoy doing, to speak what they wanna say. to really speak up for themselves in a whole lot of aspects. that's why i'm kinda pro-US i'm sorry to say. sometimes i kinda wished that i was born in the states and brought up under that kinda education system instead. so that i could just be a little more crazier than what i am now. there are so many things that i wanna do yet it ain't possible to do them all. cos one thing's for sure, i ain't gonna get no support from my parents in a lot of things that i do. and family support means just so much to me. like i've mentioned before, your family's gotta support whatever you wanna do and that's what's gonna make the difference.
well, i guess i'm slapping myself right in the face again. my parents ain't really been supportive in a lot of things i've done so far and i've lived through them one by one. firstly my choice of going to ajc, secondly, playing hockey, thirdly, repeating j1 when they would rather me going to australia. so what does it matter anyway. they don't really care about what i'm doing in school. even the plaques and trophies i carry home all these time maybe doesn't even mean a shit to them. i really don't know. maybe they've not been totally supportive of me mentally but i'm grateful that at least they're supportive of me financially. (",)

-forgot my name at 2:11 AM

Friday, June 10, 2005

the sacrifice of hiding in a lie.

feeling very tired the whole day. guess i still ain't recovered totally yet. slept on the couch in the livin room last night. pretty nice to sleep but my mum woke me in the morning to get my ass into the bedroom. then kinda slept till 1pm. had the weirdest of dream after shifting into the bedroom. the dream was kinda bout me and two other friends getting shot or some sorta crap. the whole dream left me dizzy and blur when i woke. had a hard time differentiating dream from reality, i thought my friend was really shot and i was about to send a sms or something but i realized it couldn't have been cos he just msged me last night. what a crappy dream.
only other thing i did that's worth mentioning would probably be that i had my hair trimmed in a way. looks kinda weird and cranky but whatever man. i don't even step outta house that often so i'm like whatever. still trying to keep it long so i can be like some beatles band member man. oh yeah. oh there's the guess show and the hongkong serial drama tonight. hell yeah. tomorrow's probably gonna be a stay home saturday. cool.

-forgot my name at 9:07 PM

otherside.

suddenly thought of something i saw on tv some time back. it mentioned something about parallel universe. in case you do have no idea what it is, it actually means something like there are more than one universe at any point of time. and there could be multiple copies of us at the same time in different dimensions. apparently, scientists have begun to ascertain the possiblity that the theory of parallel universe is true. physicist have found that there is actually more than 3-dimensions to our universe. it is actually a 11-dimension universe. where we are living at now is probably one of the small bubble in the whole dimension. so there could actually be another you doing another thing at the same time. for all you know, you could be fighting off some dinosaur herds that have infiltrated your territory. ain't that cool or what.

-forgot my name at 1:21 AM

Thursday, June 09, 2005

open your eyes.

well, my fever's going down now. although i had a pretty hard time sleeping last night. kinda woke up a lot of times cos i was feeling hot all over and there was this fucked up mosquito that kept on kissing my arm. i thought mosquitoes don't bite people who are down with fever. temperature's still not going down totally. still at 37.4 but i'll win nonetheless.
ain't been doing nothing today at all. basically played games on my comp and slept and watched tv. this is the second day i'm watching the talent search programme on channel U. kinda interesting for me cos i ain't watched any of this shit before. i don't watch shit like american idol, singapore idol, not even malaysian idol. so it's pretty refreshing. it kinda amazes me to really see how people would go right on to embarass themselves on tv just to get famous. of course, some are genuine about their dream to become an idol, while others are merely william hung wannabes.
ah this kinda brings me to another question. there were a number of contestants who were in their 30s and according to the rules, the maximum age limit is 35. although most of them didn't really possess what it takes to be a superstar, i really do admire them for their courage and their persistence. cos from the way they speak and all, you can tell that it is their dream and they are doing everything they can to try to achieve it. just imagine, after you graduate from university and move on to get a stable job in the society, how many of you would actually bother to pursue your dream? i ain't gonna laugh at them for their efforts but i just hope that i would be like them in the future. to dare to pursue my dream even though i might fail miserably.
then there were this group of blind singers who took part in the audition. i must say i am really touched by their efforts. cos due the loss of sight, there are only these number of limited jobs they could do and singing's basically an integral part of their lives. heaven's fair i would say. it takes something away from you and gives you something back in return. even though they might not possess heavenly voices, at least you could tell that they are really genuine from the brief interviews done with them. you could tell that they have a heart of a child, so innocent and beautiful. i'm really pleased to see one of the blind singers getting pass the second audition today. i guess he won't make it pass the third round i suppose. they won't let a blind singer become a superstar will they. but he's really a good singer. he sang the song ������� in the first audition and i must say i'm really touched. from his singing you could tell that he's really putting his heart and soul into singing that song and he's definitely been through a whole lot more in life. i just love the melancholic tone of his singing. time to watch the hongkong serial show on channel U now. ain't gonna watch lost on channel 5 cos i've already got the whole series in my comp. (",)

-forgot my name at 9:09 PM

lost.

am i getting the attention and then shoving it away the moment i get them? i don't know man. i don't know what kinda attention you're referring to but i was meaning my parents. ain't got no tlc from them as of yet. the fever's subsiding without any medication. only 38 degrees now. cool. maybe i'm off-tuned today. my head's feeling small somehow. seems as if my whole brain's squashed horizontally. everything's processing really slowly. sorry if i ain't behaving like myself today.
anticipating the tv series today at ten. it's a cool show. don't know why i like it but i just like it. watched a couple of episodes while in ipoh. do watch it if you ain't got nothing better to do.
guess i need rest as of now. i'll go try to read my book and get to sleep. hopefully i won't wake up in the middle of the night feeling feverish. fuck. i'm feeling hungry too. must be i passed out my dinner just now. argh. gonna sleep everything away. fuck.

-forgot my name at 1:25 AM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

we're dreaming.

of course. mr. painter over here has gotten his temperature up by a meagre 0.8 degrees ever since his last post at bout 7 plus. i'm still waiting for it to hit 38.6 though. just 0.2 degrees more then i'm gonna go try and find some remedy for it in my war-torn house.
why 38.6? i don't know man. anything beyond 38.6 just seems too high. i'm kinda fever prone so 38+ doesn't seem much of a big deal to me. i'm so fever prone i was even on the AJ SARS list or something. they suspected me of having it i suppose. and i was allowed to not go to school for like one more week. how crappy is that.
sorry. just had a toilet break from blogging. wow. now i have fever plus diarrhoea. how shitty is that gonna be. (",)
well, i guess it ain't the temperature i'm waiting for actually. i'm kinda waiting for my mum to walk into my room, stick her hand out and feel my forehead and make some stupid comment like "wah, an neh sio ah!" (in english it would mean 'wah, so hot?!') cos ever since i told her i had a fever, the best she could do was to tell me to find some fever medicine to eat after having dinner. where is the love man.
ok this all sounds wussy and all but i do crave for a little bit more attention than that man. i may be 19 years old and have big bulging muscles but hey i do need some love too man. maybe not as in those boy-girl kinda love but the kinda tender loving care you would expect when you're 38.4 degrees and sitting in front of your comp blogging. and you all thought i was independent.
oh talking bout fever, it reminds me of an incident while at some class chalet a long time back. as i've said, i'm fever prone and usually it happens when i'm at a chalet. i have no fucking idea why. so i was happily sick at that class chalet right after the first night. it's a 3-day-2-night kinda chalet and i didn't wanna go home all by myself from pasir ris to kranji. that's fucking far. so i basically slept through the second day all the way till the third morning.
there were some things worth noting when i was lying abed all sickly and weak in the chalet. it was heartwarming that a small group of them stayed behind to 'look after' me although i can't be sure whether they were too lazy to step out into the sun or what. didn't know a lot of them well actually. they were my classmates only for 3 months and there were a couple of em which were pure acquaintances. as usual, i refused to take any medications and opt to fight the virus on my own. so i was lying on bed, sleeping, waking, sleeping, waking, sleeping, peeing (not on the bed of course), waking and sleeping again. joel just made me drink lots and lots of water which was nice. and i'm indeed grateful. i thought i would fall in love with him then, but he ain't man enough for me i'm sorry to say. wait i'm getting to the best part of it all. just when i was feeling cold cos of the air conditioning in the room, i opened my eyes to see an angel putting a blanket over me. oh man. that feeling was heavenly i can tell you. first of all, she's rather cute and it's really nice to have a girl whom you barely know do that kinda thing for you. it was swEET! ah of course i didn't fall in love with her after that incident, i wonder why too. i just kinda looked at her in a different light whenever i see her in school after that. no i ain't gonna tell you who she is. haha loser! it's good enough that i'm telling you this dark secret of mine. -evil laughter-
i'm in love with the ordinary things in life. small simple things like all these make me real happy. you may not know it, i may not say it, but i remember. i'm only at 38.2 degrees now. told ya i would win didn't i.

-forgot my name at 11:44 PM

life of an amateur painter - episode II.

mr. painter me had another shaggadelic day painting the newly constructed room. only managed to finish the ceiling and paint a coat of foundation paint on the four walls. now mr. painter is extremely exhausted. he woke up with blood in his mucus and body aching all over. just bathed and discovered that his body temperature is at 37.6?C and rising. hopefully he will be on medical leave tomorrow. he had better go back to studying. he ain't cut out for this kinda job. and his room is still filled with the pungent lemony smell. argh.

-forgot my name at 8:22 PM

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

life of an amateur painter.

today was one helluva shaggening day. received orders to paint my room today. couldn't even have a good sleep till the sun scorch my ass. got woken up at 1130 or so. took my own sweet time to stone around for a while, made my cuppa coffee and had two slices of bread with some Saskatoon Berry Jam which my bro bought from Canada. ain't got no fetish for bread or anything, there ain't nothing else to eat at home in the morning.
there wasn't a need to paint my room actually. i suggested a new coat of paint for it and my mum just went along with it but with the condition that i paint it myself. ain't got no idea why i chose a yellowish-orangy-pink kinda color. i thought i chose a mild yellow on the paint catalogue that they showed me. i'm cool with it nonetheless. it's some sorta new formula paint that smells all so lemony. now my room's smelling like some lemon orchard with a lemon tree every two steps. eewww.
a salute to all the other paint workers out there. i'm already so freaking tired out after painting the four walls of my room. i took a freakin six hours or so to finish everything. whoever said painting was gonna be fun. well, the first piece of wall seemed fun enough. to see a new color on top of the previous color was like awesome. next came the second wall, i was like yeah, bring it on man. then the third, i was like...what the fuck, when's it gonna finish man. by the time i reach the last piece of wall, i swear i thought i saw the largest piece of wall in my whole bloody life. i was sitting right in front of the wall looking up. i seriously wished some fairy godmother would come and paint the freaking wall for me while i enjoy a nice cuppa kopi peng or something. of course, nothing beats the satisfaction of painting the whole room and your mother standing outside the room praising you that the room is nicely painted but on the other hand, screwing your ass about the amount of paint that's spent on painting only one room.
ah. just finished my nice cuppa kopi peng and ate something that resembles a dumpling but it's all filled with vegetables like parsley inside. argh. seems like i ain't the only one addicted to caffeine these days. (",) i'm addicted to a different kinda coffee. those thick hot milky kopitiam kopi is just heavenly. can't seem to find any that resembles the ones sold in ipoh. ipoh ain't famous only for its hor fun just for all your info, 'white coffee' is another thing that visitors MUST taste while they're over there. gotta go get my ass cleaned up now. i'm all wet and sticky. eewww.

-forgot my name at 7:07 PM

Monday, June 06, 2005

what's your flavour.

noticed that there are lots more people walking around with their headphones blaring as compared to when i could last remember. it ain't that i've got something against them. i myself am one of them. it's just that sometimes i do wonder what kinda songs people are listening to. wouldn't it be funny if a guy the size of triple H listens to songs by Jolin Tsai? ok i'm stereotyping. sorry.
most of the songs i listen to are those which people would classify under rock or how-the-fuck-you-call-that-a-song. what's pleasing to my ear are generally those with guitar and lots of drums(i'm a drum addict). it ain't that i don't like those ballads or whatever the crap you would consider to be a love song. sometimes it's good to listen to music like those when you're reminded of something touching or something sweet. but to make me listen to stuff like those all the time, you might have better luck shoving something up my ass and telling me not to shit.
it ain't that i have something against ballads. i do have quite a number of them on my comp. it's just that i seldom listen to them and i never bother keeping a lookout for songs like those cos when you've heard one, you've basically heard them all. and i'm referring to chinese music artistes for that matter. i don't see the reason why after all these years, the predominant music genre in chinese billboard charts are still all those lovey dovey crap. don't people ever get tired of them?
yeah you can tell me that there are chinese rock bands too. i can tell you fuck you and your mayday. they're just a bunch of crap who's trying to make their songs sound rock by increasing the tempo and adding a couple of drum beats here and there. even backstreet boys are more of a rock band than them. a real rock personnel would be people like zhang zhen yue or even stanley huang li xing(see i do listen to chinese songs, occasionally.) it ain't that i'm not bein supportive of chinese artistes. i do so wish to see them being able to get on MTV Video Awards in the US someday. i'm still a chink after all. but i was just being honest. the difference is far too great. they really gotta do something to revamp the whole music industry. i'm so sick of all the boyband shit going on in the chinese music industry man.

-forgot my name at 1:27 AM

sin city.

had a great weekend this week. although there were a couple of bumps here and there right when the weekend started. ain't got no complaints considering the fact that i was able to meet up with the people whom i was expecting to see at the class gathering.
couldn't say i did a good job at organising that outing. wasn't my idea in the first place. some shit ass pushed the job of organising to me when he was the one who wanted to meet up. what an ass. but i love him all the same.
only 10 people turned up for the dinner. as usual. there ain't any time when there were full attendance. not even for school. so you can't expect too much outta this kinda crap. people have got their own stuff on and i did probably inform them far too late. so it was fault on my part too. had a great deal of laughter and a whole lotta jests here and there amongst the guys and of course lots of middle fingers and 'fuck you' were exchanged. it was outrageously enjoyable.
had a loadup on what everyone had been doing and what they would be doing after passing out from BMT. kinda cool to see everyone still the same. of course, there were a lot of technical terms regarding NS which i totally had no clue but i could tell how shit up some of the things were. that's one life that i will never be able to experience. and i do want to experience it.
did lots of shopping with the army dudes or maybe a bit of shopping but lots of ogling in town. that's kinda how it is. can't expect too much outta us man. we're all single, desperate and to top it all, horny. had a great time in town looking at clothes on racks and clothes on people and of course the people who wore them. (",) bought the bag which i had been searching for so long. it's sinful i know. but it's a bag that i know i must get the first time i set my eyes on it 400km from here. and i am indeed glad that i have gotten it. my precious.

-forgot my name at 12:40 AM

Friday, June 03, 2005

Senses Fail - Bloody Romance

Life, is floating fast away.
But I look, your head is turned away.

From the moment you left I knew that something wasn't right.
But the feeling inside has kept me up all night.

You and me (and me), like one heart-beat.
You and me (and me), like one heart-beat.

So slice open my veins.
And let, the romance bleed away.

From the moment you left I knew that something wasn't right.
But the feeling inside has kept me up all night.

You and me (and me), like one heart-beat.
You and me (and me), like one heart-beat.

Back into what I thought I knew, these words inside me, tell me what to do.
My heart held, in the palm of your hand.
(Forget my name) You saw me bleeding on the bathroom floor.
(Forget my name) This time in silence, this time i win.
(Forget my name) This time in silence, this time i win.
(Forget my name) This time in silence, this time i win.
(Forget my name) Now you will know my pain.
(Forget my name) (repeat till end of song)

nice song. (",)

-forgot my name at 11:11 PM

looking for the exit.

alright. there ain't no turning back already. i accepted the course offered to me by NTU. yeah yeah yeah. i don't like mathematics and physics, so why choose that shit. it's just a 50-50 choice i suppose. let's just say that it's not that i don't like doing physics and math. i just refuse to work my brain thinking over such meticulous stuff. it's about time i stopped escaping from all these. it can't be that bad i suppose. after all, physic's always been the only subject that i could pass without studying. bet you all didn't know that huh. i was even asked to join the elite lecture group for physics students when they divided the whole physics level into three separate groups. of course, i went for my own lecture in the reading room.
to choose to do sociology at nus or some other course would mean stepping into the unknown. and i hate it when the future's an unknown i would say. i wouldn't even know if i could pass the exams and all even if i try hard. at least i know for engineering, i could pass if i try just a lil bit harder.
to be really honest, i suppose i've just been escaping all these while. i've been running away from books and all. cos i don't wanna study hard and attain good results and be labelled a geek. cos i'm so sick and tired of people around me placing high hopes on me, waiting to see if i would come out top. it's all too stressful. how i wish it was like primary school, whereby no one ever needed to study and the results would just come. my parents keep telling me: "you're smart, it's just that you are too lazy". and a lot of people around me would say things like "no problem one la, you're smart". i really wonder. i wonder what i have proven to them all these while. that i'm not as smart as they think i am? or that i'm smart but i'm too lazy. i really don't know. it's a little bit of both i suppose. i never study enough to score well. i'm just a slacker. maybe it's about time someone told me things like "hey dickhead, you ain't no smart aleck. you're just a piece of dumbfuck so you jolly well study hard or you ain't gonna pass no shit man." maybe i would really work hard then.
let's just hope that i will pick up the books once again when i'm in uni. i need to get this course over and done with when i'm 24 years old, so that i can go out and work for a couple of years and get my MBA around the age of 28. hopefully i'll come out rich and famous so i can kick all your asses then. (",)

-forgot my name at 3:05 AM

renovations.

well, i was too freaking bored outta my ass today. so i decided to revamp my whole desktop settings and everything. it's the first time i'm doing this so i'm kinda glad that everything came out rather well in the end. here's a few of the desktop settings i'm gonna use. kinda rotating here and there cos i ain't able to make up my mind which one to use. each and every one of them looks awesome.



this is the one i'm using now.



was using this a couple of hours back.



gonna use this provided i change the whole desktop theme to a black one. sweet.

feels kinda good to see everything all so new. just kinda make me feel all fresh once again. alright maybe just for a little while. but that's enough to keep me happy for the rest of the day. next stop would be revamping all my rooms. (",) wait. or should i start revamping this blog. hmm. i was thinking of abandoning this one and host my own webpage. see if i can find time to do so.

-forgot my name at 12:07 AM

Thursday, June 02, 2005

do me a favour.

click on the link above and do what you think you must do. thanks. (",)

-forgot my name at 10:09 PM

facets of me.

no there isn't anything wrong with your internet explorer or netscape or whichever browser you might be using. neither is there anything wrong with tag board. i removed the board from where it was supposed to be, that is if you know where.
yes pj removed the tag board from her blog too and why am i doing the same? no there ain't no link between what she did and what i did. whoever gives a fuck about what you think. i removed it cos...it doesn't serve its purpose there. ain't no one gonna tag my board, ain't no one gives a shit about what i blog about and neither do i give a shit about what you tag on my board. so why waste the net traffic of amazing sites of blogger and tag board.
i do enjoy reading the tags people leave on my blog everyday. from time to time, some anonymous person would pop by and start giving you a whole lotta shit about what he/she thinks about certain issues and i think that's cool in a way. it just sorta creates a certain form of anticipation whenever i revisit my blog cos you never know who might be leaving a message on the baord. but it's been a long time since anyone tagged the board so it's rather pointless to leave it there. cos i can't stand looking at the same old tags that i myself tag everyday. it is a failure on my part i must admit. a failure to admit that this blog of mine is losing its appeal to young and old. if enough people requests for it, i might consider using it again.
oh yah i am using wordpad to type out all of this shit once again. i don't know why, but i just kinda like the way everything looks in wordpad. sometimes, don't you just feel that you don't feel like sleeping at all tonight and you would just wanna stare at the tv screen or your computer screen and just wait till you hear the cock crows. maybe it's just me. i do so feel like i need a space of my own. i'm probably gonna sleep in the living room or ain't gonna sleep at all tonight. it seems i've got a lot of thinking to do.
just another same routine today. ain't nobody talk to me online and neither am i talking to nobody. seems that i'm just rather out of words recently. ain't even been talking much in real life. not to anyone. my parents just seem to be asking the same thing everyday, 'have you chosen the course yet?' of course not. i am still in a dilemma and am split between choices like these. everytime i feel like i've made up my mind on either course, questions from the opposing end would haunt me. no matter which course i choose, the same thing happens.
seems like my parents ain't gonna gimme any career advice nor any guidance on the course i'm gonna take. they ain't even talking to me bout this shit in details.
sometimes i just hate it that i seem so independent. it seems to them that i would have no problem handling my own shit and i'm like some sorta superman who can tackle any problems that comes my way. that's why i love the song superman by five for fighting. it's something i can relate to. deep down.
i ain't no superman. i'm just a 19 year old punk ass bitch who thinks that he'll eventually succeed in life by hook or by crook. my most remarkable academic achievement was scoring 261 in PSLE. everything else after that was crap. and you all thought i was smart. i guess my intellectual level stopped after primary school. that's the best explanation for it i suppose. forever an under-achiever. how the fuck am i gonna realise my dream one day. if i really am that great of a leader as the quiz have said, it ain't showing man. i might just die some day in the future with people remembering me by 'that punk ass loser.'
to be really honest, i do so wanna be loved and all. i do so wanna feel like a kid once more. to do some crazy shit without thinking of the consequences and just laugh it all off in the end. i do so want someone to stand up for me and just help me with all these shit i am facing. someone to just tell me that everything's gonna be alright and start singing me a lullaby. that's kinda the person i'm looking for i suppose. someone who could help me forget my troubles, if only for a night, if only for that five minutes.
i really do envy those of you bitches out there who's got a friend to go home with while you were still young and stupid. it's gotta be a nice feeling i suppose. cos i ain't got no friend who goes the same route as me ever since i went to secondary school. been travelling on my own for more than four hours every single day just to get to school and back home. the only friend i had was my md player. it ain't so easy to travel such a long journey every single muthafucking day on your own. shit crops up from time to time and you only got yourself to handle all that crap. i was seriously mugged only once so far in my life, and several others i would demand it as mild extortion so it doesn't really matter. that's just the society i live in. ain't got nobody else to blame. been 'challenged' by uncountable number of malay punk asses who thinks they're a whole lot cooler than me just cos they can say 'yo, wassup.' but i can say 'fuck you bitch'. only been challenged by a pair of dumb ah bengs who were sittin right opposite me on the train discussing 'quietly' about whether they could beat me two-on-one and were contemplating to bring more people into the picture. i would've gladly fought them right then. but my ex was beside me and it ain't right for me to engage in that kinda shit while i'm still schooling. it's just the kinda life i lead. the kind of society i live in. that makes it hard for me not to be independent. cos i ain't even protected. the only protection i have is whatever piece of weapon i could find or whichever face i could lay my fist upon. i ain't not acting cool when i'm sitting alone and looking all so fucked up in the face. it's just a sorta natural instinct to display a body language which says that 'touch me and i'll fuck you'.
that's why i kinda despise the ah bengs in singapore. all they can do is talk loudly and speak of all the hokkien vulgarities outside but when they're at home, they're as tame as a parrot. they ain't seen no shit in life man. they ain't seen no shit through my eyes. maybe that's why i ain't scared of nothing like these anymore. i get to experience them all too often.
to be honest, i ain't received any birthday presents from my parents before. well, the easiest explanation to that would have to be that they never remember when my birthday is. not that it particularly mattered to me cos they're paying for all the crap that i'm using right now. it's just kinda funny to me how it is possible that other people's parents could actually remember their child's birthday and celebrating each and every single one. i am indeed grateful to my parents for being able to provide me with whatever materialistic gains i wish. but sometimes, i just need a little more attention from them.
i'm sorry if this entry is kinda long. thanks a lot if you have managed to read all the way till this part. you can't fuck me on my tag board even if you're pissed off with this entry. that's just too bad.

-forgot my name at 4:02 AM