name: zesin.
loves: life, music, photography.
- - - - - - - -
doppelganger.
- - - - - - - -
.: contact :.
- - - - - - - -
.: myspace :.
.: facebook :.
.: friendster :.
- - - - - - - -
.: reads :.
- - - - - - - -
.: dith :.
.: ming :.
.: sancia :.
.: huixian :.
.: renrong :.
.: yuzhong :.
.: siaowen :.
.: jiaquan :.
.: ah teck :.
.: chewy :.
.: justin :.
.: jing :.
- - - - - - - -
.: archive :.
- - - - - - - -
11.2002 12.2002 01.2003 02.2003 03.2003 04.2003 06.2003 07.2003 08.2003 09.2003 11.2003 12.2003 09.2004 10.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 03.2006 04.2006 05.2006 06.2006 07.2006 08.2006 09.2006 10.2006 11.2006 12.2006 01.2007 02.2007 03.2007 04.2007 05.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 09.2007 10.2007 11.2007 12.2007 01.2008 02.2008 03.2008 04.2008 05.2008 06.2008 07.2008 08.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 01.2009 02.2009 03.2009 04.2009 07.2009 12.2009 01.2010 04.2010
loves: life, music, photography.
- - - - - - - -
doppelganger.
- - - - - - - -
.: contact :.
- - - - - - - -
.: myspace :.
.: facebook :.
.: friendster :.
- - - - - - - -
.: reads :.
- - - - - - - -
.: dith :.
.: ming :.
.: sancia :.
.: huixian :.
.: renrong :.
.: yuzhong :.
.: siaowen :.
.: jiaquan :.
.: ah teck :.
.: chewy :.
.: justin :.
.: jing :.
- - - - - - - -
.: archive :.
- - - - - - - -
11.2002 12.2002 01.2003 02.2003 03.2003 04.2003 06.2003 07.2003 08.2003 09.2003 11.2003 12.2003 09.2004 10.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 03.2006 04.2006 05.2006 06.2006 07.2006 08.2006 09.2006 10.2006 11.2006 12.2006 01.2007 02.2007 03.2007 04.2007 05.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 09.2007 10.2007 11.2007 12.2007 01.2008 02.2008 03.2008 04.2008 05.2008 06.2008 07.2008 08.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 01.2009 02.2009 03.2009 04.2009 07.2009 12.2009 01.2010 04.2010
it is but a fine line between love and hate.
maybe i've crossed over to the other side.
just came to a sudden realization as to why did i even bother being sad previously. i ain't the one who did something wrong anyway. we all know who's the guilty one.
betrayal and trust is something that nobody should ever get to experience at the same time.
-forgot my name at 9:37 PM
and for now, i am that happy.
-forgot my name at 2:31 PM
-forgot my name at 12:36 AM
just live and breathe.
-forgot my name at 10:19 AM
awesome song this is. :)
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Damn Regret
The moon is shining bright
The mood is feeling right
I'll kiss you on your neck
People'll stare and we won't care
We're high above the ground
We're nowhere to be found
Empowered by adrenaline
Feel like I'm born again
Again, I am repeating myself
And I know it is gone for you
To sit and pretend
Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me
'Cos I'm real fine
Cast my line
To see what's behind
Did you think you persuaded me to let you go?
I'm wishing you were here
My weakness is my fear
Alone I am myself
No reason, life for me to care
Distracted by the sound
I hear footsteps all around
Empowered by adrenaline
Feel like I'm born again
Again, I am repeating myself
And I know it's gone for you
To sit and pretend
Damn regret, I try to forget
Don't worry about me
'Cos I'm real fine
Cast my line
To see what's behind
Did you think you persuaded me to let you go?
You're the only one I turn to
When I feel like no-one's there
And when I'm lonely in my darkest hour
You give me the power
To sit and pretend
Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me
'Cos I'm real fine
Cast my line
To see what's behind
Did you think you persuaded me to let you go?
Did you think I forget?
Did you think I surrender myself to persuade you to let me go?
Did you think I forget?
Did you think I surrender myself to persuade you to let me go?
-forgot my name at 7:15 PM
however hard we try, some memories can never be forgotten.
yet, the best we all could do is to not remember them.
-forgot my name at 5:15 AM
oh my fucking god. just when i thought i was gonna get in touch with the chinese music industry. i got to hear this fantabulous band called the red jumpsuit apparatus.
the whole fucking album rocks. oh my fucking god. i can't stop rocking.
-forgot my name at 2:40 AM
believe. sometimes it's all that matters.
what do you believe in?
-forgot my name at 3:36 AM
red hot chili peppers (live in concert): yes i know they're a bit of the oldies rock but i just love anthony kiedis. ok that sounds gay. let's move on.
the only other person i think that i probably wanna meet would be...Dalai Lama. don't ask me why. i just think he'd make a pretty inspirational character in my life.
-forgot my name at 1:48 AM
mercy?
witnessed the first case of euthanasia today. not on a human but on a dog. my neighbour's dog.
it is as much my dog as my neighbour's. after all, me and my brother were the ones who found the dog loitering around the corner of the street 13 years ago. there were 3 dogs that we found, their owner has moved out and left the 3 dogs stranded outside the house. we went to play with them everyday and slowly they began to follow us home. already had a dog then so my parents decided to give them to others. one was killed by dunnowhothefuck one fateful night. the other was given to i don't know who and the last one was with my neighbour.
kinda sad to see the dog having to reach this kinda ending. it was a good dog. i used to play with it all the time after my dog died. it's gotten some cancer as according to my neighbour and the intestines would slowly rot and then it would die eventually. he says it could no longer walk already and the vet confirms that it would probably live 10 more days at most. i don't know if it would be more merciful to kill it with a jab or to let it live out the rest of the 10 days. it aches me to see such a good dog coming to such an end. i would probably let the dog live out the rest of the 10 days feeding it the best food i can get for it. even as a dog, i believe it deserves so much more. i'll miss you.
-forgot my name at 5:34 PM
note to pj: you don't hafta slap me no more. i'm awake.
-forgot my name at 12:32 PM
-forgot my name at 12:04 AM
i suppose this is it. the answer is found.
-forgot my name at 11:48 PM
-forgot my name at 8:39 AM
24. i would have my own car by then.
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
burning midnight oil for some prelim paper if i'm not wrong.
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
i call the police.
4) Do you consider yourself kind?
you don't see me biting my rabbit do you?
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
arm, ankle, biceps, calf. tattoes are cooL!
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
punjabi or afrikaan. that'd be cool.
7) Do you know your neighbors?
well, sort of.
8) What do you consider a vacation?
anything with lots of sex, booze and drugs.
9) Do you follow your horoscope?
i follow the almanac.
10) Would you move for the person you loved?
i move around a lot everyday.
11) Are you touchy feely?
depending on where i can touch.
12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
anything can attract.
13) Dream job?
having everyone kissing my ass.
14) Favorite channel(s)?
discovery, animal planet, cartoon network. you get my drift.
15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
home/with the people i love.
17) Do you paint your nails?
i'd rather juggle my balls.
18) Do you trust people easily?
well, not really. i'm an unscrupulous bastard.
19) What are your phobias?
cockroaches.
20) Do you want kids?
two at least. maybe not more than 4.
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
nope.
22) Where would you rather be right now?
stargazing on a nice grass patch.
23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
an oven?
24) Heavy or light sleeper?
depends.
25) Are you paranoid?
sometimes.
26) Are you impatient?
not at all.
27) Who can you relate to?
those who i think i can relate to.
28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
i wouldn't mind seeing dinesh with a chinese chick.
29) Have you been burned by love?
i'm scorched baby.
30) What's your favorite pick-up line?
erm. hi.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
i think it was too late for porn. can't remember. tv maybe.
33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?
there's much more to gals in life man....hehe...
34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my queen sized bed.
35) What color shirt are you wearing?
i'm topless.
36) Most recent movie you watched?
superman.
37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
love. heart. loads of hair.
38.) What color are your bed sheets?
i don't remember. lol.
39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
$80? not sure.
40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
breast. oh yeah i love it.
41) What's your favorite town/city.
wherever my heart belongs.
42) I can't wait till:
i get laid.
44) What did you have for dinner last night?
bak kut teh.
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water. milk. tea would be nice.
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
specially concocted love potion.
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
counting my stash to see if i've saved up a million bucks by then.
57) Last thing you ate?
mutton soup.
58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
phantom of the opera.
59) Last thing that made you laugh?
i'm always quick for laughter.
60) Worst injury you've ever had?
dunno which is worse. a shortened last finger or losing hell lotsa blood cos of a headbutt.
61) Does someone have a crush on you?
i hope so. if any of you reading this has a crush on me, please leave a msg on my tagboard thank you. that would really make my day. please?
-forgot my name at 1:57 AM
-forgot my name at 12:51 AM
saw this on my friendster bulletin so i thought i'll repost it here:
You might agree with it, but when it
actually happens 99% of girls dont realize it till it is
too late and that guy who did it is so frustrated that
he has moved on to someone who will take notice.
From a guys point of view:
We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some
random guy walks into the room and you jump
up and tackle him, without even introducing us,
yeah, it pisses us off.
It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him
for ten minutes without even acknowledging the
fact that we're still there.
We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the
morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing
is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till
the morning.
___________________________________
Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/
gorgeous/ cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.
We'll stop trying to convince you.
The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
_________________________________
Don't be mad when we hold the door open.
Take Advantage of the mood im in.
LET US PAY FOR YOU!
DON'T 'FEEL BAD'
We enjoy doing it.
It's expected.
Smile and say 'thank you.'
_________________________________
Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know somebody's
looking, we'll be more impressed.
_________________________________
You don't have to get dressed up for us.
If we're going out with you in the first place,
you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest
skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup
you own.
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you
are. Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful
when she's just in her pj's. or my tshirt and boxers,
not all dolled up
____________________________________
Don't take everything we say seriously.
Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in
it.
Don't get angry easily.
____________________________________
Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt,Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartny is in front of us.
It's boring, and we don't care.
You have girlfriends for that.
_____________________________________
Whatever happened to the
word "handsome"/"beautiful"
I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted mewith "Hey handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/
stud/cutie/sexy" or whatever else you can think of.
On the other hand im not sayin i woulndnt like
it ether ; )
_____________________________________
Girls, I cannot stress this enough:IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A
GUY, DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH
HIS SORRY, DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-
POPULATION ASS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO
WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT
Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're
at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you
make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad
you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what theyre doing just
to look you in the eyes....and say "i love you"
.......AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT!
-forgot my name at 2:57 AM
just watched the show by twins on channel u. i thought it was gonna be some dumb love show with a bunch of pretty faces but it turned out to be pretty nice. very nice in fact. what's so nice about this show isn't about melodramatic scenes of weeping or any philosophical lines in the show. everything is just very simple, very down to earth. very simple, innocent, pure, sweet love in a way.
a few things that were said in the show kinda got stuck in my head. such as the one which goes: why must two person be compatible? i don't need someone to tell me how good dunnowhatsinger is. i want someone who can tell me how good bob dylon is. when two person from two different world meet, a new world will be created.
isn't that nice? i don't know. i don't need a mirror reflection of myself. i'm not the most interesting person around i know and in a way i would like to find someone who's different, who can teach me about stuff i didn't know about. that would be nice. if you're with someone who has the same interests and all that as you, probably you won't get to try out so much new stuff that you haven't ever tried before. where can i find someone like kammy in the show. T_T
i'm not exactly someone who's for love shows but it's another one other than love actually that has sparked some thoughts in my head.
another thing that kinda touched me:
喜欢一个人不必每天挂在嘴边，把它放在心里才是最重要的。
-forgot my name at 11:30 PM
does it even seem real to you people? that so many things could happen within what seems to be such a short time. probably some would say time is not a factor. maybe it isn't. then what is.
i don't know how i can live with that lie. i just need more succinct reasons to justify the actions. somehow everything seems so blurry, so fake, i could puke my guts out.
it really is not that i cannot accept reality. but everything that seems to have happened makes what we had seem so fake. so unreal. everywhere i turn, fallacies surround me. how am i supposed to continue living this life pretending that everything is gonna be alright.
what of the common interest? what of the part where you said you would like to go out all the time? what of the future that i dreamt of?
been having a lotta crazy thoughts actually. car indeed is a plus point even though you might say it doesn't matter. feel kinda ashamed that i don't even own one and now that there's this uber price hike in cab fares, i don't know how i'm gonna survive. hanging out till 5am and still could be able to go home without spending extra cash is nice. is something i could never enable you to experience. something that you would like but something that i cannot give. would you be able to hang out till even 1am if the person you're out with has no car? don't think so. there goes.
i'm really glad for having a friend like dick. he's been such a true pal for the four years i've known him. ever so jovial and always willing to listen and share his opinions. well, at least he could relate to a lot of stuff that i tell him about. he understands my difficulties, my constraints, my dilemma, my sad life. why don't you just sit down, listen to what i have to say sometimes. is my story that hard to comprehend?
acceptance. maybe you can't accept it.
just how many sundays like this am i going to be having.
i am broken.
-forgot my name at 2:37 PM
-forgot my name at 1:33 PM
well, i was sitting down in front of my computer screen, staring at my own blog page, looking at the twirling effects of the small white boxes which surround the cursor. then i was wondering about life. it's probably like how pj would put it, you start wondering what do you believe in life.
i believe in a lot of things. i really do. despite all the evil i've seen and heard from around me, i still believe this is a beautiful world we live in. and that kids in ethiopia would not have to suffer so much if we all could just donate a lil money or lend a helping hand to them. i believe that one day i would be able to help them. despite all the terrorism and war going on, love still prevails i do believe. love for each other. love everyone around you.
life is beautiful.
-forgot my name at 2:13 AM
lol. just watched the guess show. kinda interesting how they managed to find those real homely guys. how do you even manage to stay home for half a year without going out?!
how would you define whether one is homely or outgoing? i stay home most of the time due to financial constraints cos somehow i tend to splurge every time i go out although it may not be very often.
why would i like to stay home when i'm home alone most of the time anyway? practically no one ever calls me at home and i ain't got nobody to talk to except occassional questions asked by my mum. nothing much to do at home either other than camping online and playing those games which i'm playing only to kill time. i mean which guy don't do this sorta thing when they have nothing much to do and they're staring at the computer.
of course, travelling time is an important factor whether i go out or no. can say its a cost-benefit analysis in a way. if i do go out and there's programme all the way till the wee hours, i wouldn't mind staying over. otherwise i ain't got much to do if i do go back to hall to sleepover or something ya know and i can't go back at awkward timings or else i won't have anyone to send me home. haha
well, if i do go out, i seldom do hang out at heartlands. there just doesn't seem to be much to do around those area and there usually ain't nothing much to see (see not as in chicks but just general merchandise).
well, i remembered you saying he's more playful like you. well, i ain't really sure about that either. cos seems like all you two probably have been doing is watching vcds and just doing nothing in a way. doesn't sound pretty happening to me. oh well, whatever.
ain't that i don't like to go out anyway, just that all the people around me are in singapore and i'm kinda far if there's any last minute outings that i know of. well, i could just imagine if i'm staying over the other side, i'd probably be going out most of the time whenever anyone asks me out too. cos there really is nothing much to do especially when i'm alone. nobody can face the same four walls everyday.
kinda bored with nothing much to do these days except going to town most of the time. really gotta find some different things to do soon. oh baybeats is here at last. at least there's something different to do this weekend. (",)
-forgot my name at 9:39 PM
-forgot my name at 2:15 PM
-forgot my name at 11:43 AM
-forgot my name at 12:17 AM
kinda nostalgic to be using the wordpad to type out my blog entry once again. it's real cool. really loved it last time. cos it doesn't look as sophisticated as ms word itself yet is as powerful. and it's probably gonna be a long entry since i'm using wordpad. haha i can't say for sure either cos i just feel like ranting down some of my thoughts over here. (",)
not been listening to a lotta songs lately. same few artists on my playlist such as Underoath, Atreyu and a lil of The Used. of course, i've been listening to several soppy love songs which i've featured on my blog over the past few days. usually people who are out of love would tend to do this kinda thing ain't it not? haha i wonder. oh the song on my playlist now is by .(",)
don't know why i'm blogging actually. just kinda in a much better mood today. a more relaxed mood in a way although i'm still kinda stressed out by several stuff but it doesn't matter. i don't like to worry my life away. kinda inspired after surfing through friendster and read the profile of a friend of mine. can't exactly remember what he wrote but it's just something about the stuff under the "about me" and "who i'd like to meet" section in the profile. for those who have my friendster, you people might have noticed i ain't really put down anything constructive there before. cos i really don't know what to say about myself. i mean i can say like i'm super duper nice and caring and kind but if you don't think i am, then it makes no sense at all. i'd rather let people who know me fill that in themselves and maybe fill me in from time to time :)
who would i like to meet? i really don't know. of course if you're talking about friends, i'd suppose it's gotta be everyone out there cos it's nice to meet new people ain't it not. well, of course if you're gonna talk about 'the one' that i'd like to meet, hmm, i don't know. i seriously don't believe in 'the one'. there are 6.5 billion out there, are you gonna be spending your whole life meeting every single one of em? ain't really possible. sometimes we just have to make do with the best we could find in our limited lifetime.
of course, if you've been following my blog for some time, the best i thought i found apparently thought i wasn't the best and had found someone that would probably suit her better. makes no matter, as long as she's happy :) i'm just kinda wondering where and when i'll find someone that i would think is the best for me again. any recommendations? of course, my parents sometimes still jokes about asking me to look for some rich man's only daughter so i could slog my ass 20 years lesser. that would be a great idea, provided that the girl is hot and to my liking of course (",) lol. i say it as if i get to choose who i wanna be with. well, things might just be a little hard because of my nationality and that my 'home' is in malaysia and not singapore. i suppose almost every singaporean girl would think that this is probably looking like a long distant relationship and that it probably sucks. no sense of security, 'what if something happens and i need him here immediately' that sorta stuff. well, it ain't something i could change man. if i can find that someone who can accept it and maybe wouldn't mind dropping by my place in jb every so often, that'd be nice. :)
ah and of course i felt like talking to my mum about my recent traumatic experience but somehow i am not able to bring up the topic. in a way, now that it's already over, what more can i say. and now that there's nothing much to decide, what difference does it make whether i tell her or no. and it's hard to raise the topic when she's asking me everyday about whether she should buy this stock or sell that stock or whether the canadian currency is gonna rise or fall. she doesn't understand i'm studying engineering does she? lol. it's not that i don't wanna talk to my mum about this kinda personal stuff man, it's just that she never asked. she has her own problems to think about also, about how to create more wealth etc and these are kinda like my problems and i guess i shouldn't bother her too much bout this kinda stuff. i wouldn't say that she doesn't know that something has happened, parents do know that something is wrong. if i speak for less than 5 sentences to them everyday for the past few days, obviously something is wrong. haha it's just that they don't know where to start. my parents are a lil old skool and i have to admit i take after them. never been easy to express my emotions verbally but i'm still learning how to everyday.
i ain't someone who receives praise from people around me all the time. can't say that i don't need them cos who can live without praises? usually i like to think of myself as a pretty eligible bachelor myself. not that i'm rich or handsome (my bank account never stays more than $500 for more than 3 months and i can't remember when was the last time someone said i was handsome. was it primary school? lol). well, it ain't that i spend a lot actually, i'm quite a miser whenever it comes to myself then why my account never stays more than 500? cos i never had a fixed allowance or whatsoever. it's like my allowance is like daily or whenever i think i'm short on cash and the bank account will be topped up whenever my mum feels like it. haha i was dumb enough to suggest to get a fixed allowance every month for now and i'm kinda tight on budget basically everyday till the end of the month. lol.
oh ok back to the topic. then why the big ego i have? ain't pretty sure. but it's like i have a friend who constantly assures me that i'm an eligible bachelor although i could tell she's being very nice. haha no la. i know she meant what she said. i just have a high opinion of myself somehow. don't feel that i'm any inferior to any guys out there. cos i'm witty, cute, yandao, cool, has good taste, funny, has a nice bod, comes from decent family background (haha i wonder if i'll get sued for lying on my blog). well, at least one thing i'm proud of is my choice of music. i wouldn't say that i love rock just because i'm trying to be different. but because it's different from what the mainstream people digs, i've grown to love it over these years. just think about it, a grandpa who listens to def leppard versus a grandpa who's listening to teresa teng. the coolness is totally different man. haha.
ain't that i'm blindly following those rock bands. i ain't even into mainstream rock these days. if you know what mainstream is. try naming a few english rock bands that you know of. yes, those are mainstream rock bands signed by big labels and are making mostly shit music. well, it's just my personal opinion so yeah you can either take it or leave it. really into Underoath these days. most would say its too noisy but i don't think it is at all. somehow i hear a lot of rhythm and beats and very nice vocals in their songs which most people would fail to appreciate. class, in my opinion, is determined based on how different you are able to portray yourself and yet still look good. and seriously, i think class 95 broadcasts shit music. advocating what they would consider to be 'classy'. just in case you didn't know, radio airplay ain't exactly determined by the number of requests it gets from the audience, but based upon how much they receive from the big label companies to recommend their contracted artistes. that is why, if you call in and request songs by Underoath or Thrice, you would get a: I'm sorry but I'm unable to find the song in our database, how bout I dedicate this other song by Simple Plan to your friends and families? :)
note: i'm not saying Simple Plan is a gay rock band. i do have a couple of their tracks on my playlist. just that i haven't bothered listening to them for more than a year.
-forgot my name at 3:38 AM
-forgot my name at 2:08 AM
and this is how i love you.
-forgot my name at 1:47 AM
helplessness. at the situation. at my situation. at my life. a lot of things i could change. but some things are just beyond my control. i'm sorry i wasn't able to give that to you all along. it's just my life.
-forgot my name at 12:30 PM
home is where the heart is. yet my heart is torn between two places. over here and you.
-forgot my name at 5:43 AM
this song basically sums up all that you would like to tell me right? now i understand.
Rihanna - Unfaithful
[Verse 1:]
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company
He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true
[Bridge:]
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dyin'
[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer
[Verse 2:]
I feel it in the air
As I'm doin my hair
Preparing for another day
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hangin' with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well
[Bridge:]
Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I'm happy with some other guy
I can see him dyin'
[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer
[Breakdown - Verse 3:]
I love... his trust
I might as well take a gun
And put it to his head
And get it over with
I don't wanna do this... anymore
Oooohhh... anymore
[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer
...a murderer
No no no
yeah yeah yeah
-cries out loud- damn. i need a hug.
-forgot my name at 3:43 PM
Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh
Oh Oh, Ohhh
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,so much for my happy ending Oh Oh
Oh Oh,
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult but so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do, (All the shit that you do)
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
(S)He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
Oh Oh,so much for my happy ending Oh Oh
oh oh,so much for my happy ending oh oh
Oh Oh,Oh Oh,Ohhhhh
----------------------------------------------------
ok enough of the song. was just talking to my friend and suddenly this very great thinking came outta my mind:
-------------------------------------------------------
ª-=zEsIn=-ª :: it's not easy to be me. says:
not that i'm not confident about myself.
ª-=zEsIn=-ª :: it's not easy to be me. says:
but maybe he's able to provide her with sth that i havent been able to all along.
ª-=zEsIn=-ª :: it's not easy to be me. says:
a home.
-------------------------------------------------------
interesting how i suddenly managed to think of all that. i don't know. sorry i'm feeling all so melancholic all of a sudden. it's just something i'm trying to suppress still. i'm sorry if any of you out there tries to talk to me about your problems and i don't seem too interested about it. cos i'm pretty screwed up myself now. i'm terribly sorry people.
-forgot my name at 3:19 PM
this song is dedicated to you.
你的爱很像泡沫，
太轻或太重，
都不在手中，
我的爱就像天空，
太放或太收，
你都只是风，
你来过却爱上自由，
你出走我不问理由。
我会好好过，
等你再爱我，
总有个角落，
会让你想起我。
我会好好过，
等你再爱我，
向右或向左，
都有我站在这里守候。
[Repeat]
你留下很多，
够我面对寂寞，
寂寞不重，
纵使爱太弱。
我会好好过，
当你回头，
看到的一定是我。
-forgot my name at 9:22 PM
don't marry someone you can live with. marry someone you can't live without.
-forgot my name at 9:46 PM
-forgot my name at 9:13 PM
Two
why this title some of you may ask. because this is the second time i'm going through this sorta thing. for more info, check out my september 2004 entries. i can't really be bothered to explain myself here. i've just been blogging my deranged rantings for the past 4 or 5 days perhaps. it has to end someday and now i shall end it all. this will be a final conclusion to this melodramatic love life of mine.
it has taken far too long for me to reach a conclusion about all these things. it's time for me to strengthen my mind. i'm not someone who's weak-willed. never. and therefore i shall come up with my resolution. my final resolution. firstly, i shall weep no more. i do admit i've cried like fuck on saturday. for the whole day in fact. sunday about half the day was spent on crying. yesterday a little perhaps. no more tears today and the days to come. why?
because that does not solve anything. like everyone is telling me, life goes on. the world is still revolving around me although i may have been hiding in my room, in the house for the past few days. nothing's gonna change because of what i have encountered. she's still gonna be working, meeting up with kelvin perhaps, beginning a new chapter of her life with him in each other's arms. that doesn't matter. it really doesn't matter anymore.
when i say so, i mean so. because if she is happy that way, i will let it be. for it was when i was with her that i have learnt not to be selfish. i have learnt a great deal when i was with her. how to treat someone else the best i possibly could. from the bottom of my heart, i really want her to be happy. i swear with whatever honor i have as a human being, a son, a friend, a sinner. yes, she told me i was being too politically correct to say things like wish her all the best in the future, may she find happiness with another person. actually, i am not. from the bottom of my heart, i really wish for that to happen to her.
i have always believed she deserves so much more. although she and many many others believe that i am the one who deserves so much more. i can't help it but feel so. because she is the only one i have poured my heart, blood, sweat and tears for her up till this point of my life. i am not going to say things like i am not gonna fall in love anymore because that is totally loserish. all i can say is that i've learnt a lot from her over the past three years when i was with her or without her and that the next person who i'll fall in love with, will be a very lucky person. for i have learnt how to love selflessly.
maybe some of you wonder what is it about this girl that makes me love her so much. i never could say why. because i do not believe that love in itself is rational. a relationship has to be rational, but love don't have to be. i will never tell you why i love her so because no words in this world could ever describe why.
there were a lot of mistakes by me in the past, a lot. it was my first relationship. a lot of things i didn't know how to cope with it. no i didn't read idiot's guide to relationship therefore i do not know much about this sorta things. i had been selfish and controlling towards her in the past. because i simply did not believe enough in myself, did not believe enough in her. this time, i have been able to do away with all those. i am proud of myself actually. although a lot of you might think that i should be like this right from the start. it never is easy. scorpios are born jealous creatures, filled with devious intents. but i have managed to shed away all those, because i will not allow myself to be stereotyped as a scorpio. i am more than that. i am me.
i just read through my september entry again. i believe she is feeling pretty much the same way as i did last time. she will not want to talk to me because she does not want to lead me on into thinking that we will be able to have another chance together. she wants me to be happy also. and that i will be. she just kinda wants to lead her life alone for now doing what she feels is right. yes, i can't deny that the presence of another guy does impair a lot of my rational thoughts. but i will be rational. i believe she is happy with him, even though they are not together. and that is all that matters. knowing she is happy, i shall be happy for her. i believe he is a nice guy too. i don't wanna compare me and him because i am myself, he is he. all i hope for is she'll find someone who will be able to cherish her as much if not more than i do.
i am not someone who will look back at my life and regret the things i have done or have not done. i believe i have done the best i could in every way for her. maybe some things i would have done differently but there is no maybe in life. you only get one shot in your life. either you grab it or you miss it just like pin jing says. i have missed the right time and so be it.
dammit. stupid alvin come and talk to me on msn and then disrupted my thoughts.
oh. ok. back to my resolution. i am going to treat her like a friend. if she's not gonna treat me on equal grounds a a friend, then so be it. the only thing i'm worrying about her as a friend is that she seems to be isolating herself from a lot of people who care for her. but there's nothing i can do about it anyway. just hope she can come to her senses and be back the same old joycelyn i know. someone who is always ready for smiles. someone who is happy and can talk to her friends freely about her emotions instead of bottling it all up.
ok i think i have digressed too much. this should be my resolution. i will be carrying on with my life just like what it's supposed to be. but maybe a lot of things i would probably be doing differently. cos i have lost motivation for a lot of things. not only because of this rejection that i have gone through but also because i am already sick of a lot of things that i'm doing. i'm not even happy doing it, so why am i doing it?
i will not be hoping for a second chance like last time. because it kinda feels different this time around. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. as far as relationships and love is concerned, i'll leave it to Fate. my life is still controlled by me in my hands. i will shape my own destiny. carve it out in blood if need be. damn i'm sounding sadistic over here.
i guess i have been letting a lot of people down. people who i have been talking to almost everyday keep asking me to cheer up and i seem to be taking forever to climb out of this hell-hole. they are still loving me and i have been disappointing. that is not the correct way to repay people with their care and concern. from now on, i will be strong. because i think that i have overcomed myself finally. i don't know why but it's a sudden realization that i've been portraying myself as a pathetic being who is not being cared for. that sucks. i am capable of much more than that. i will believe in myself for i am who i am. i won't say i do deserve much better but at least i'm going to keep my options open. will be looking out for people who really care and are concerned about me. because they are the ones who love me and i will be strong for them, for myself. felt i've been causing some concern in the house because for the past few days my parents have not been talking to me neither have i told them anything. it's past time that i stop their worry and be back who i am.
this is what i will be doing in the days to come. yes, if our paths are meant to cross, we probably will. i shall leave it for fate to decide. it has happened once. whether or not it will happen again, i do not know. this may be a decision she would live to regret one day but that is not up to me to decide. whatever decision she makes is a right decision for me i do believe. we always decide what is best at the point of time and act accordingly. since you have chosen to live without me for now, i will have to choose to live without you too. because life is a matter of choice. and we all have the power of choice. =)
-forgot my name at 3:29 AM
i've been talking to a lotta people on my msn these couple of days. it's nice in a way, cos have kinda lost touch with several of them. sorry if i made it seem like i made use of you guys. but i needed a listening ear and i really appreciate you guys for being there to listen. to actually bother listening and offer comforting words or even slap me right in the face with some cold hard truth. i appreciate it all. love you guys. thanks. i'll be fine. i always will. :)
-forgot my name at 11:52 PM
i should've remembered this song very well. it was there for me on the 5th of September 2004, after 405 days. you can probably find the lyrics for this song on my september '04 entry so i shall not paste all of it here. only the chorus.
But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again
i should have known better. this pain, is so familiar to me. the pain feels more like the time back in March 2002. it feels more like then. so painful.
-forgot my name at 1:09 AM
the heart and mind is weak somehow. live up to your words man.
-forgot my name at 2:29 PM
-forgot my name at 10:27 AM
-forgot my name at 4:33 AM
-forgot my name at 1:05 AM
karma? haha.
-forgot my name at 6:40 PM
-forgot my name at 4:42 PM
-forgot my name at 4:11 PM
-forgot my name at 3:35 PM
-forgot my name at 3:11 AM
我要的只是你在我身边。
-forgot my name at 2:58 AM
-forgot my name at 2:07 AM
maybe i've crossed over to the other side.
just came to a sudden realization as to why did i even bother being sad previously. i ain't the one who did something wrong anyway. we all know who's the guilty one.
betrayal and trust is something that nobody should ever get to experience at the same time.
-forgot my name at 9:37 PM
sometimes, we are only as happy as we choose to be.
and for now, i am that happy.
-forgot my name at 2:31 PM
totally enjoyed today's outing with you guys and gals over here in jb. same places but different feeling this time around. let the laughters drown my memories. i'd like to thank all of you as much as you guys have thanked me. thanks.
-forgot my name at 12:36 AM
just live and breathe.
-forgot my name at 10:19 AM
awesome song this is. :)
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Damn Regret
The moon is shining bright
The mood is feeling right
I'll kiss you on your neck
People'll stare and we won't care
We're high above the ground
We're nowhere to be found
Empowered by adrenaline
Feel like I'm born again
Again, I am repeating myself
And I know it is gone for you
To sit and pretend
Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me
'Cos I'm real fine
Cast my line
To see what's behind
Did you think you persuaded me to let you go?
I'm wishing you were here
My weakness is my fear
Alone I am myself
No reason, life for me to care
Distracted by the sound
I hear footsteps all around
Empowered by adrenaline
Feel like I'm born again
Again, I am repeating myself
And I know it's gone for you
To sit and pretend
Damn regret, I try to forget
Don't worry about me
'Cos I'm real fine
Cast my line
To see what's behind
Did you think you persuaded me to let you go?
You're the only one I turn to
When I feel like no-one's there
And when I'm lonely in my darkest hour
You give me the power
To sit and pretend
Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me
'Cos I'm real fine
Cast my line
To see what's behind
Did you think you persuaded me to let you go?
Did you think I forget?
Did you think I surrender myself to persuade you to let me go?
Did you think I forget?
Did you think I surrender myself to persuade you to let me go?
-forgot my name at 7:15 PM
however hard we try, some memories can never be forgotten.
yet, the best we all could do is to not remember them.
-forgot my name at 5:15 AM
oh my fucking god. just when i thought i was gonna get in touch with the chinese music industry. i got to hear this fantabulous band called the red jumpsuit apparatus.
the whole fucking album rocks. oh my fucking god. i can't stop rocking.
-forgot my name at 2:40 AM
believe. sometimes it's all that matters.
what do you believe in?
-forgot my name at 3:36 AM
just kinda inspired after reading pj's blog on who you would like to meet etc. i can only think of a few that i think i would love to meet before i die. here goes:
red hot chili peppers (live in concert): yes i know they're a bit of the oldies rock but i just love anthony kiedis. ok that sounds gay. let's move on.
the only other person i think that i probably wanna meet would be...Dalai Lama. don't ask me why. i just think he'd make a pretty inspirational character in my life.
-forgot my name at 1:48 AM
mercy?
witnessed the first case of euthanasia today. not on a human but on a dog. my neighbour's dog.
it is as much my dog as my neighbour's. after all, me and my brother were the ones who found the dog loitering around the corner of the street 13 years ago. there were 3 dogs that we found, their owner has moved out and left the 3 dogs stranded outside the house. we went to play with them everyday and slowly they began to follow us home. already had a dog then so my parents decided to give them to others. one was killed by dunnowhothefuck one fateful night. the other was given to i don't know who and the last one was with my neighbour.
kinda sad to see the dog having to reach this kinda ending. it was a good dog. i used to play with it all the time after my dog died. it's gotten some cancer as according to my neighbour and the intestines would slowly rot and then it would die eventually. he says it could no longer walk already and the vet confirms that it would probably live 10 more days at most. i don't know if it would be more merciful to kill it with a jab or to let it live out the rest of the 10 days. it aches me to see such a good dog coming to such an end. i would probably let the dog live out the rest of the 10 days feeding it the best food i can get for it. even as a dog, i believe it deserves so much more. i'll miss you.
-forgot my name at 5:34 PM
a special thanks to everyone out there who gave me strength to fight on. who supported me in my cause. but there is no longer the need to fight on. from now on, it marks a journey of running. gotta clean out my closet first. i hate to be reminded of stuff i'm trying to forget. thanks to everyone.
note to pj: you don't hafta slap me no more. i'm awake.
-forgot my name at 12:32 PM
when i asked the question on whether you're happy with him, the look on your face already gave me the answer on what i'm supposed to do from now on. i cannot bear to rob you of that happiness. however selfish i may be, i cannot bring myself to do that. seeing you happy is all that matters to me. it's the only thing that matters.
i'll just have to forget you. step out of your life and remove traces of you from my life. it is all i can do to save myself from this. it is not you. it is me.
i am stepping out of the picture not because i have lost to him. but because i cannot bear to make you sad. i cannot be selfish, however hard i try.
take care and stay happy. for the sake of all the people who love and care for you.
this is the end.
the end.
-forgot my name at 12:04 AM
i suppose this is it. the answer is found.
-forgot my name at 11:48 PM
went to sleep at 4. woke at 7. insomnia.
-forgot my name at 8:39 AM
1)How old do you wish you were?
24. i would have my own car by then.
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
burning midnight oil for some prelim paper if i'm not wrong.
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
i call the police.
4) Do you consider yourself kind?
you don't see me biting my rabbit do you?
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
arm, ankle, biceps, calf. tattoes are cooL!
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
punjabi or afrikaan. that'd be cool.
7) Do you know your neighbors?
well, sort of.
8) What do you consider a vacation?
anything with lots of sex, booze and drugs.
9) Do you follow your horoscope?
i follow the almanac.
10) Would you move for the person you loved?
i move around a lot everyday.
11) Are you touchy feely?
depending on where i can touch.
12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
anything can attract.
13) Dream job?
having everyone kissing my ass.
14) Favorite channel(s)?
discovery, animal planet, cartoon network. you get my drift.
15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
home/with the people i love.
17) Do you paint your nails?
i'd rather juggle my balls.
18) Do you trust people easily?
well, not really. i'm an unscrupulous bastard.
19) What are your phobias?
cockroaches.
20) Do you want kids?
two at least. maybe not more than 4.
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
nope.
22) Where would you rather be right now?
stargazing on a nice grass patch.
23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
an oven?
24) Heavy or light sleeper?
depends.
25) Are you paranoid?
sometimes.
26) Are you impatient?
not at all.
27) Who can you relate to?
those who i think i can relate to.
28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
i wouldn't mind seeing dinesh with a chinese chick.
29) Have you been burned by love?
i'm scorched baby.
30) What's your favorite pick-up line?
erm. hi.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
i think it was too late for porn. can't remember. tv maybe.
33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?
there's much more to gals in life man....hehe...
34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my queen sized bed.
35) What color shirt are you wearing?
i'm topless.
36) Most recent movie you watched?
superman.
37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
love. heart. loads of hair.
38.) What color are your bed sheets?
i don't remember. lol.
39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
$80? not sure.
40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
breast. oh yeah i love it.
41) What's your favorite town/city.
wherever my heart belongs.
42) I can't wait till:
i get laid.
44) What did you have for dinner last night?
bak kut teh.
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water. milk. tea would be nice.
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
specially concocted love potion.
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
counting my stash to see if i've saved up a million bucks by then.
57) Last thing you ate?
mutton soup.
58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
phantom of the opera.
59) Last thing that made you laugh?
i'm always quick for laughter.
60) Worst injury you've ever had?
dunno which is worse. a shortened last finger or losing hell lotsa blood cos of a headbutt.
61) Does someone have a crush on you?
i hope so. if any of you reading this has a crush on me, please leave a msg on my tagboard thank you. that would really make my day. please?
-forgot my name at 1:57 AM
the words that wouldn't come. the tears that wouldn't fall. the thoughts that wouldn't subside. the love that wouldn't fade.
-forgot my name at 12:51 AM
saw this on my friendster bulletin so i thought i'll repost it here:
You might agree with it, but when it
actually happens 99% of girls dont realize it till it is
too late and that guy who did it is so frustrated that
he has moved on to someone who will take notice.
From a guys point of view:
We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some
random guy walks into the room and you jump
up and tackle him, without even introducing us,
yeah, it pisses us off.
It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him
for ten minutes without even acknowledging the
fact that we're still there.
We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the
morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing
is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till
the morning.
___________________________________
Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/
gorgeous/ cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.
We'll stop trying to convince you.
The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
_________________________________
Don't be mad when we hold the door open.
Take Advantage of the mood im in.
LET US PAY FOR YOU!
DON'T 'FEEL BAD'
We enjoy doing it.
It's expected.
Smile and say 'thank you.'
_________________________________
Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know somebody's
looking, we'll be more impressed.
_________________________________
You don't have to get dressed up for us.
If we're going out with you in the first place,
you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest
skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup
you own.
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you
are. Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful
when she's just in her pj's. or my tshirt and boxers,
not all dolled up
____________________________________
Don't take everything we say seriously.
Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in
it.
Don't get angry easily.
____________________________________
Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt,Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartny is in front of us.
It's boring, and we don't care.
You have girlfriends for that.
_____________________________________
Whatever happened to the
word "handsome"/"beautiful"
I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted mewith "Hey handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/
stud/cutie/sexy" or whatever else you can think of.
On the other hand im not sayin i woulndnt like
it ether ; )
_____________________________________
Girls, I cannot stress this enough:IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A
GUY, DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH
HIS SORRY, DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-
POPULATION ASS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO
WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT
Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're
at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you
make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad
you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what theyre doing just
to look you in the eyes....and say "i love you"
.......AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT!
-forgot my name at 2:57 AM
just watched the show by twins on channel u. i thought it was gonna be some dumb love show with a bunch of pretty faces but it turned out to be pretty nice. very nice in fact. what's so nice about this show isn't about melodramatic scenes of weeping or any philosophical lines in the show. everything is just very simple, very down to earth. very simple, innocent, pure, sweet love in a way.
a few things that were said in the show kinda got stuck in my head. such as the one which goes: why must two person be compatible? i don't need someone to tell me how good dunnowhatsinger is. i want someone who can tell me how good bob dylon is. when two person from two different world meet, a new world will be created.
isn't that nice? i don't know. i don't need a mirror reflection of myself. i'm not the most interesting person around i know and in a way i would like to find someone who's different, who can teach me about stuff i didn't know about. that would be nice. if you're with someone who has the same interests and all that as you, probably you won't get to try out so much new stuff that you haven't ever tried before. where can i find someone like kammy in the show. T_T
i'm not exactly someone who's for love shows but it's another one other than love actually that has sparked some thoughts in my head.
another thing that kinda touched me:
喜欢一个人不必每天挂在嘴边，把它放在心里才是最重要的。
-forgot my name at 11:30 PM
have been thinking a lot recently. not only just the small thing about me being dejected or whatsoever but somehow the big picture. kinda disillusioned these days about the so-called love. i do not seem to know what it is about anymore. it is no longer easy to believe when a love so pure, so true, so real could end with a simple 'i don't want anything anymore' and at the same time blossom with another person within two or three weeks. just what is it about anymore. i really don't know.
does it even seem real to you people? that so many things could happen within what seems to be such a short time. probably some would say time is not a factor. maybe it isn't. then what is.
i don't know how i can live with that lie. i just need more succinct reasons to justify the actions. somehow everything seems so blurry, so fake, i could puke my guts out.
it really is not that i cannot accept reality. but everything that seems to have happened makes what we had seem so fake. so unreal. everywhere i turn, fallacies surround me. how am i supposed to continue living this life pretending that everything is gonna be alright.
what of the common interest? what of the part where you said you would like to go out all the time? what of the future that i dreamt of?
been having a lotta crazy thoughts actually. car indeed is a plus point even though you might say it doesn't matter. feel kinda ashamed that i don't even own one and now that there's this uber price hike in cab fares, i don't know how i'm gonna survive. hanging out till 5am and still could be able to go home without spending extra cash is nice. is something i could never enable you to experience. something that you would like but something that i cannot give. would you be able to hang out till even 1am if the person you're out with has no car? don't think so. there goes.
i'm really glad for having a friend like dick. he's been such a true pal for the four years i've known him. ever so jovial and always willing to listen and share his opinions. well, at least he could relate to a lot of stuff that i tell him about. he understands my difficulties, my constraints, my dilemma, my sad life. why don't you just sit down, listen to what i have to say sometimes. is my story that hard to comprehend?
acceptance. maybe you can't accept it.
just how many sundays like this am i going to be having.
i am broken.
-forgot my name at 2:37 PM
let me just start it off with this. baybeats was shit. a total disappointment but i had excellent company. so screw it. i'll post again after i bathe.
-forgot my name at 1:33 PM
well, i was sitting down in front of my computer screen, staring at my own blog page, looking at the twirling effects of the small white boxes which surround the cursor. then i was wondering about life. it's probably like how pj would put it, you start wondering what do you believe in life.
i believe in a lot of things. i really do. despite all the evil i've seen and heard from around me, i still believe this is a beautiful world we live in. and that kids in ethiopia would not have to suffer so much if we all could just donate a lil money or lend a helping hand to them. i believe that one day i would be able to help them. despite all the terrorism and war going on, love still prevails i do believe. love for each other. love everyone around you.
life is beautiful.
-forgot my name at 2:13 AM
lol. just watched the guess show. kinda interesting how they managed to find those real homely guys. how do you even manage to stay home for half a year without going out?!
how would you define whether one is homely or outgoing? i stay home most of the time due to financial constraints cos somehow i tend to splurge every time i go out although it may not be very often.
why would i like to stay home when i'm home alone most of the time anyway? practically no one ever calls me at home and i ain't got nobody to talk to except occassional questions asked by my mum. nothing much to do at home either other than camping online and playing those games which i'm playing only to kill time. i mean which guy don't do this sorta thing when they have nothing much to do and they're staring at the computer.
of course, travelling time is an important factor whether i go out or no. can say its a cost-benefit analysis in a way. if i do go out and there's programme all the way till the wee hours, i wouldn't mind staying over. otherwise i ain't got much to do if i do go back to hall to sleepover or something ya know and i can't go back at awkward timings or else i won't have anyone to send me home. haha
well, if i do go out, i seldom do hang out at heartlands. there just doesn't seem to be much to do around those area and there usually ain't nothing much to see (see not as in chicks but just general merchandise).
well, i remembered you saying he's more playful like you. well, i ain't really sure about that either. cos seems like all you two probably have been doing is watching vcds and just doing nothing in a way. doesn't sound pretty happening to me. oh well, whatever.
ain't that i don't like to go out anyway, just that all the people around me are in singapore and i'm kinda far if there's any last minute outings that i know of. well, i could just imagine if i'm staying over the other side, i'd probably be going out most of the time whenever anyone asks me out too. cos there really is nothing much to do especially when i'm alone. nobody can face the same four walls everyday.
kinda bored with nothing much to do these days except going to town most of the time. really gotta find some different things to do soon. oh baybeats is here at last. at least there's something different to do this weekend. (",)
-forgot my name at 9:39 PM
sometimes i still sit and wonder. is it me? or is it you? a lot of questions i still have no answers to. it would really be nice if you could enlighten me. ironic. somehow this whole thing seems like a big joke to me. not that i'm not accepting reality but everything that has happened seemed so unreal. so dramatic. argh. headache.
-forgot my name at 2:15 PM
can't exactly say i've been sleeping well for the past few days. neither can i say that i ain't been sleeping well. guess it's kinda like today. dreamt a couple of dreams but everything was peaceful at least. i didn't get so agitated that i could wake up from it cursing and weeping. just dreamt you and him. haha i've been thinking too much i guess.
-forgot my name at 11:43 AM
july 14th. how time flies. i could still vividly remember the worries you talked to me about before the start of your attachment. seems like your worries were unfounded. and i thought i had nothing to worry about. haha life's an irony.
-forgot my name at 12:17 AM
kinda nostalgic to be using the wordpad to type out my blog entry once again. it's real cool. really loved it last time. cos it doesn't look as sophisticated as ms word itself yet is as powerful. and it's probably gonna be a long entry since i'm using wordpad. haha i can't say for sure either cos i just feel like ranting down some of my thoughts over here. (",)
not been listening to a lotta songs lately. same few artists on my playlist such as Underoath, Atreyu and a lil of The Used. of course, i've been listening to several soppy love songs which i've featured on my blog over the past few days. usually people who are out of love would tend to do this kinda thing ain't it not? haha i wonder. oh the song on my playlist now is by .(",)
don't know why i'm blogging actually. just kinda in a much better mood today. a more relaxed mood in a way although i'm still kinda stressed out by several stuff but it doesn't matter. i don't like to worry my life away. kinda inspired after surfing through friendster and read the profile of a friend of mine. can't exactly remember what he wrote but it's just something about the stuff under the "about me" and "who i'd like to meet" section in the profile. for those who have my friendster, you people might have noticed i ain't really put down anything constructive there before. cos i really don't know what to say about myself. i mean i can say like i'm super duper nice and caring and kind but if you don't think i am, then it makes no sense at all. i'd rather let people who know me fill that in themselves and maybe fill me in from time to time :)
who would i like to meet? i really don't know. of course if you're talking about friends, i'd suppose it's gotta be everyone out there cos it's nice to meet new people ain't it not. well, of course if you're gonna talk about 'the one' that i'd like to meet, hmm, i don't know. i seriously don't believe in 'the one'. there are 6.5 billion out there, are you gonna be spending your whole life meeting every single one of em? ain't really possible. sometimes we just have to make do with the best we could find in our limited lifetime.
of course, if you've been following my blog for some time, the best i thought i found apparently thought i wasn't the best and had found someone that would probably suit her better. makes no matter, as long as she's happy :) i'm just kinda wondering where and when i'll find someone that i would think is the best for me again. any recommendations? of course, my parents sometimes still jokes about asking me to look for some rich man's only daughter so i could slog my ass 20 years lesser. that would be a great idea, provided that the girl is hot and to my liking of course (",) lol. i say it as if i get to choose who i wanna be with. well, things might just be a little hard because of my nationality and that my 'home' is in malaysia and not singapore. i suppose almost every singaporean girl would think that this is probably looking like a long distant relationship and that it probably sucks. no sense of security, 'what if something happens and i need him here immediately' that sorta stuff. well, it ain't something i could change man. if i can find that someone who can accept it and maybe wouldn't mind dropping by my place in jb every so often, that'd be nice. :)
ah and of course i felt like talking to my mum about my recent traumatic experience but somehow i am not able to bring up the topic. in a way, now that it's already over, what more can i say. and now that there's nothing much to decide, what difference does it make whether i tell her or no. and it's hard to raise the topic when she's asking me everyday about whether she should buy this stock or sell that stock or whether the canadian currency is gonna rise or fall. she doesn't understand i'm studying engineering does she? lol. it's not that i don't wanna talk to my mum about this kinda personal stuff man, it's just that she never asked. she has her own problems to think about also, about how to create more wealth etc and these are kinda like my problems and i guess i shouldn't bother her too much bout this kinda stuff. i wouldn't say that she doesn't know that something has happened, parents do know that something is wrong. if i speak for less than 5 sentences to them everyday for the past few days, obviously something is wrong. haha it's just that they don't know where to start. my parents are a lil old skool and i have to admit i take after them. never been easy to express my emotions verbally but i'm still learning how to everyday.
i ain't someone who receives praise from people around me all the time. can't say that i don't need them cos who can live without praises? usually i like to think of myself as a pretty eligible bachelor myself. not that i'm rich or handsome (my bank account never stays more than $500 for more than 3 months and i can't remember when was the last time someone said i was handsome. was it primary school? lol). well, it ain't that i spend a lot actually, i'm quite a miser whenever it comes to myself then why my account never stays more than 500? cos i never had a fixed allowance or whatsoever. it's like my allowance is like daily or whenever i think i'm short on cash and the bank account will be topped up whenever my mum feels like it. haha i was dumb enough to suggest to get a fixed allowance every month for now and i'm kinda tight on budget basically everyday till the end of the month. lol.
oh ok back to the topic. then why the big ego i have? ain't pretty sure. but it's like i have a friend who constantly assures me that i'm an eligible bachelor although i could tell she's being very nice. haha no la. i know she meant what she said. i just have a high opinion of myself somehow. don't feel that i'm any inferior to any guys out there. cos i'm witty, cute, yandao, cool, has good taste, funny, has a nice bod, comes from decent family background (haha i wonder if i'll get sued for lying on my blog). well, at least one thing i'm proud of is my choice of music. i wouldn't say that i love rock just because i'm trying to be different. but because it's different from what the mainstream people digs, i've grown to love it over these years. just think about it, a grandpa who listens to def leppard versus a grandpa who's listening to teresa teng. the coolness is totally different man. haha.
ain't that i'm blindly following those rock bands. i ain't even into mainstream rock these days. if you know what mainstream is. try naming a few english rock bands that you know of. yes, those are mainstream rock bands signed by big labels and are making mostly shit music. well, it's just my personal opinion so yeah you can either take it or leave it. really into Underoath these days. most would say its too noisy but i don't think it is at all. somehow i hear a lot of rhythm and beats and very nice vocals in their songs which most people would fail to appreciate. class, in my opinion, is determined based on how different you are able to portray yourself and yet still look good. and seriously, i think class 95 broadcasts shit music. advocating what they would consider to be 'classy'. just in case you didn't know, radio airplay ain't exactly determined by the number of requests it gets from the audience, but based upon how much they receive from the big label companies to recommend their contracted artistes. that is why, if you call in and request songs by Underoath or Thrice, you would get a: I'm sorry but I'm unable to find the song in our database, how bout I dedicate this other song by Simple Plan to your friends and families? :)
note: i'm not saying Simple Plan is a gay rock band. i do have a couple of their tracks on my playlist. just that i haven't bothered listening to them for more than a year.
-forgot my name at 3:38 AM
because to me you are perfect, and my wasted heart will love you. (",)
-forgot my name at 2:08 AM
and this is how i love you.
-forgot my name at 1:47 AM
helplessness. at the situation. at my situation. at my life. a lot of things i could change. but some things are just beyond my control. i'm sorry i wasn't able to give that to you all along. it's just my life.
-forgot my name at 12:30 PM
home is where the heart is. yet my heart is torn between two places. over here and you.
-forgot my name at 5:43 AM
this song basically sums up all that you would like to tell me right? now i understand.
Rihanna - Unfaithful
[Verse 1:]
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company
He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true
[Bridge:]
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dyin'
[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer
[Verse 2:]
I feel it in the air
As I'm doin my hair
Preparing for another day
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hangin' with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well
[Bridge:]
Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I'm happy with some other guy
I can see him dyin'
[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer
[Breakdown - Verse 3:]
I love... his trust
I might as well take a gun
And put it to his head
And get it over with
I don't wanna do this... anymore
Oooohhh... anymore
[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer
...a murderer
No no no
yeah yeah yeah
-cries out loud- damn. i need a hug.
-forgot my name at 3:43 PM
one week. and nothing much has changed. for me i guess. i'm still lost. there are probably a million songs out there that could adequately describe my feelings. take for example this:
Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh
Oh Oh, Ohhh
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh,so much for my happy ending Oh Oh
Oh Oh,
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult but so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do, (All the shit that you do)
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
(S)He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
Oh Oh,so much for my happy ending Oh Oh
oh oh,so much for my happy ending oh oh
Oh Oh,Oh Oh,Ohhhhh
----------------------------------------------------
ok enough of the song. was just talking to my friend and suddenly this very great thinking came outta my mind:
-------------------------------------------------------
ª-=zEsIn=-ª :: it's not easy to be me. says:
not that i'm not confident about myself.
ª-=zEsIn=-ª :: it's not easy to be me. says:
but maybe he's able to provide her with sth that i havent been able to all along.
ª-=zEsIn=-ª :: it's not easy to be me. says:
a home.
-------------------------------------------------------
interesting how i suddenly managed to think of all that. i don't know. sorry i'm feeling all so melancholic all of a sudden. it's just something i'm trying to suppress still. i'm sorry if any of you out there tries to talk to me about your problems and i don't seem too interested about it. cos i'm pretty screwed up myself now. i'm terribly sorry people.
-forgot my name at 3:19 PM
this song is dedicated to you.
你的爱很像泡沫，
太轻或太重，
都不在手中，
我的爱就像天空，
太放或太收，
你都只是风，
你来过却爱上自由，
你出走我不问理由。
我会好好过，
等你再爱我，
总有个角落，
会让你想起我。
我会好好过，
等你再爱我，
向右或向左，
都有我站在这里守候。
[Repeat]
你留下很多，
够我面对寂寞，
寂寞不重，
纵使爱太弱。
我会好好过，
当你回头，
看到的一定是我。
-forgot my name at 9:22 PM
don't marry someone you can live with. marry someone you can't live without.
-forgot my name at 9:46 PM
oh bother. somehow my last post was not able to be submitted. so here i am trying one more time. as i was saying. yesterday was an amazing day. somehow i've managed to bump into three different group of friends while i was in town gaying with arthur. i seldom meet people i know when i'm out but to meet three different groups was just amazing. glad that we could stop by and chat a little. shall try to get all of you out one at a time. really been missing out a lot with you guys and gals. thanks for being there peeps. =)
-forgot my name at 9:13 PM
Two
why this title some of you may ask. because this is the second time i'm going through this sorta thing. for more info, check out my september 2004 entries. i can't really be bothered to explain myself here. i've just been blogging my deranged rantings for the past 4 or 5 days perhaps. it has to end someday and now i shall end it all. this will be a final conclusion to this melodramatic love life of mine.
it has taken far too long for me to reach a conclusion about all these things. it's time for me to strengthen my mind. i'm not someone who's weak-willed. never. and therefore i shall come up with my resolution. my final resolution. firstly, i shall weep no more. i do admit i've cried like fuck on saturday. for the whole day in fact. sunday about half the day was spent on crying. yesterday a little perhaps. no more tears today and the days to come. why?
because that does not solve anything. like everyone is telling me, life goes on. the world is still revolving around me although i may have been hiding in my room, in the house for the past few days. nothing's gonna change because of what i have encountered. she's still gonna be working, meeting up with kelvin perhaps, beginning a new chapter of her life with him in each other's arms. that doesn't matter. it really doesn't matter anymore.
when i say so, i mean so. because if she is happy that way, i will let it be. for it was when i was with her that i have learnt not to be selfish. i have learnt a great deal when i was with her. how to treat someone else the best i possibly could. from the bottom of my heart, i really want her to be happy. i swear with whatever honor i have as a human being, a son, a friend, a sinner. yes, she told me i was being too politically correct to say things like wish her all the best in the future, may she find happiness with another person. actually, i am not. from the bottom of my heart, i really wish for that to happen to her.
i have always believed she deserves so much more. although she and many many others believe that i am the one who deserves so much more. i can't help it but feel so. because she is the only one i have poured my heart, blood, sweat and tears for her up till this point of my life. i am not going to say things like i am not gonna fall in love anymore because that is totally loserish. all i can say is that i've learnt a lot from her over the past three years when i was with her or without her and that the next person who i'll fall in love with, will be a very lucky person. for i have learnt how to love selflessly.
maybe some of you wonder what is it about this girl that makes me love her so much. i never could say why. because i do not believe that love in itself is rational. a relationship has to be rational, but love don't have to be. i will never tell you why i love her so because no words in this world could ever describe why.
there were a lot of mistakes by me in the past, a lot. it was my first relationship. a lot of things i didn't know how to cope with it. no i didn't read idiot's guide to relationship therefore i do not know much about this sorta things. i had been selfish and controlling towards her in the past. because i simply did not believe enough in myself, did not believe enough in her. this time, i have been able to do away with all those. i am proud of myself actually. although a lot of you might think that i should be like this right from the start. it never is easy. scorpios are born jealous creatures, filled with devious intents. but i have managed to shed away all those, because i will not allow myself to be stereotyped as a scorpio. i am more than that. i am me.
i just read through my september entry again. i believe she is feeling pretty much the same way as i did last time. she will not want to talk to me because she does not want to lead me on into thinking that we will be able to have another chance together. she wants me to be happy also. and that i will be. she just kinda wants to lead her life alone for now doing what she feels is right. yes, i can't deny that the presence of another guy does impair a lot of my rational thoughts. but i will be rational. i believe she is happy with him, even though they are not together. and that is all that matters. knowing she is happy, i shall be happy for her. i believe he is a nice guy too. i don't wanna compare me and him because i am myself, he is he. all i hope for is she'll find someone who will be able to cherish her as much if not more than i do.
i am not someone who will look back at my life and regret the things i have done or have not done. i believe i have done the best i could in every way for her. maybe some things i would have done differently but there is no maybe in life. you only get one shot in your life. either you grab it or you miss it just like pin jing says. i have missed the right time and so be it.
dammit. stupid alvin come and talk to me on msn and then disrupted my thoughts.
oh. ok. back to my resolution. i am going to treat her like a friend. if she's not gonna treat me on equal grounds a a friend, then so be it. the only thing i'm worrying about her as a friend is that she seems to be isolating herself from a lot of people who care for her. but there's nothing i can do about it anyway. just hope she can come to her senses and be back the same old joycelyn i know. someone who is always ready for smiles. someone who is happy and can talk to her friends freely about her emotions instead of bottling it all up.
ok i think i have digressed too much. this should be my resolution. i will be carrying on with my life just like what it's supposed to be. but maybe a lot of things i would probably be doing differently. cos i have lost motivation for a lot of things. not only because of this rejection that i have gone through but also because i am already sick of a lot of things that i'm doing. i'm not even happy doing it, so why am i doing it?
i will not be hoping for a second chance like last time. because it kinda feels different this time around. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. as far as relationships and love is concerned, i'll leave it to Fate. my life is still controlled by me in my hands. i will shape my own destiny. carve it out in blood if need be. damn i'm sounding sadistic over here.
i guess i have been letting a lot of people down. people who i have been talking to almost everyday keep asking me to cheer up and i seem to be taking forever to climb out of this hell-hole. they are still loving me and i have been disappointing. that is not the correct way to repay people with their care and concern. from now on, i will be strong. because i think that i have overcomed myself finally. i don't know why but it's a sudden realization that i've been portraying myself as a pathetic being who is not being cared for. that sucks. i am capable of much more than that. i will believe in myself for i am who i am. i won't say i do deserve much better but at least i'm going to keep my options open. will be looking out for people who really care and are concerned about me. because they are the ones who love me and i will be strong for them, for myself. felt i've been causing some concern in the house because for the past few days my parents have not been talking to me neither have i told them anything. it's past time that i stop their worry and be back who i am.
this is what i will be doing in the days to come. yes, if our paths are meant to cross, we probably will. i shall leave it for fate to decide. it has happened once. whether or not it will happen again, i do not know. this may be a decision she would live to regret one day but that is not up to me to decide. whatever decision she makes is a right decision for me i do believe. we always decide what is best at the point of time and act accordingly. since you have chosen to live without me for now, i will have to choose to live without you too. because life is a matter of choice. and we all have the power of choice. =)
-forgot my name at 3:29 AM
i've been talking to a lotta people on my msn these couple of days. it's nice in a way, cos have kinda lost touch with several of them. sorry if i made it seem like i made use of you guys. but i needed a listening ear and i really appreciate you guys for being there to listen. to actually bother listening and offer comforting words or even slap me right in the face with some cold hard truth. i appreciate it all. love you guys. thanks. i'll be fine. i always will. :)
-forgot my name at 11:52 PM
lost prophets - last train home
i should've remembered this song very well. it was there for me on the 5th of September 2004, after 405 days. you can probably find the lyrics for this song on my september '04 entry so i shall not paste all of it here. only the chorus.
But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again
i should have known better. this pain, is so familiar to me. the pain feels more like the time back in March 2002. it feels more like then. so painful.
-forgot my name at 1:09 AM
the heart and mind is weak somehow. live up to your words man.
-forgot my name at 2:29 PM
haiz. this sucks. i woke up with a fright. the thought of his name and his face suddenly came to my mind while i was sleeping. don't ask me how. then i woke up.
-forgot my name at 10:27 AM
i shall try to weep no more. for the sky have wept for me tonight. everything is gonna be alright baby.
-forgot my name at 4:33 AM
i don't know how hard the road ahead may be. i really don't. i'm not as confident as last time anymore. because there's nothing much that can boost my confidence after being hit by all the realities. i may eventually lose. there is a high chance i might. whatever it may be, give me strength people, give me support.
-forgot my name at 1:05 AM
karma? haha.
-forgot my name at 6:40 PM
i don't know which is the easier thing for me to come to terms with. that i'm rejected by her or that she's taken a liking to another guy. maybe it's a lil bit of both.
-forgot my name at 4:42 PM
人世间最上乘的课题是恋爱； 恋爱中最难解的问题，是分手； 分手后最恐怖的过程， 是回忆； 回忆里最痛苦的感受， 是我依然还爱你。
-forgot my name at 4:11 PM
isn't there a time when you wished that you hadn't done something you did? maybe now i think so. but i don't know either. i'm kinda back to square one already. out of love if you want to put it maybe. maybe not. i don't know. guess there is such a thing as retribution after all. i don't blame anyone for things being the way it is now. i do not blame him nor do i blame you. i only have myself to blame after all. maybe i hadn't done enough after all. maybe he can give you what i cannot give all along. maybe i'm right. maybe i'm wrong.
-forgot my name at 3:35 PM
lol. think i'm going cuckoo. spent 10 minutes or so talking to my pillow.
-forgot my name at 3:11 AM
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我。
我要的只是你在我身边。
-forgot my name at 2:58 AM
be strong.
-forgot my name at 2:07 AM
.:Web Counter:.
- - - - - - -
