Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Turn Back Time

hmmz...for some shitty reason or another, i'm back blogging. yes. this is dumb. it's been damn long since i blogged man. dunno if i still know how this shit here works. just a follow-up to the previous entry of mine...that entry was there coz i sorta felt sad on my bday. coz quite a lotta people didnt know that day was my bday. hmmz...kinda loser eh. actually only about a handful of the people actually realised it's my birthday...not including my girlfriend. stupid A levels i suppose. taking up too much of their brain space. was at home stoning that day and got rather upset so i blogged just two lines. yup. but it's over. ok. that's about it in case some of you were wondering.
it sure has been a darn long time since i've sat down to blog properly. partly it's because i've moved to stay with a friend in singapore and i can't get online while i'm staying there so i can't blog. i could only blog when i'm at home which is normally during the weekends. but somehow i just get fucking lazy to blog in the end when i think about it. hockey's taking up too much of my time nowadays that i hardly have any decent time to rest and relax. this holiday is probably one of the worst holidays in my life. so much has happened in so little time. to start it off, my beloved grandfather passed away during the last week of the school term. wow. then my hockey training started. it's kinda fun at first i think. yupz...i could feel myself having that drive once again. but training for 5 days a week seems to be taking its toil on me mentally. i've slowly become sick of it i suppose. because of the hockey trainings i still hafta stay in singapore even though it's the holidays. i thought i could actually get back home and spend time with my family but in the end things just turned out shitty. trainings start early everyday and it would simply be too tiring to travel to and fro every morning just to turn up for hockey trainings. and i am the freaking captain of the team. whereby i hafta set a fucking good example of turning up for trainings or else who the fuck would turn up for trainings. haiz. i get so tired sometimes i feel like running away from everything. just hope i would be forgotten and could actually live in a world of my own. play by my own rules. but this is just impossible. noboday can escape from the frameworks of this society. we have to be responsible for our own actions. maybe i should have known better since the day i accepted the post as captain of the team. should have seen all this shit coming. then maybe i would rather remain as a player rather than a leader of this fabulous team of mine. the guys are doing so great now i'm feeling more and more pressurised by them. the need to be better...the need to keep the team together...the need to be a role model to them all. fuck all this shit that is going around me man. i'm just so sick. mentally.
after my grandfather's death, hockey trainings, came my birthday. it's rather shitty actually...to be like forgotten by the whole world around you. i do appreciate people who actually remembered my birthday somehow or another. thanks for everything. but imagine you going home feeling shitty and everything coz only a few of your friends remembered your birthday and discovered that your parents know no shit that the day was your birthday also. it was a shitty feeling. nobody seemed to give a shit anybody. i felt so small then. it was hurting. especially when even your loved ones forgot about your birthday. only one present for this year. given to me by four of my good friends as a belated birthday present. thanks. after all this shit...i somehow didnt manage to get outta this shit i suppose. been rather moody ever since the holidays started. started to have lotsa quarrels with my girlfriend and stuff. even she says she hasnt seen me really happy for a long time already. haiz. this just sucks. i just wanna get away from all this shit that is going around me. i've had enough. i'm so tired.
i should have gone for a long holiday i suppose. to get away from all this shit that is surrounding me. sometimes i just find it hard to breathe...everything seems so pressurizin for me. nothing seems to be going right for me. this just sucks. my family doesn't acknowledge my efforts...thinks i'm still fooling around. quarrels with my girlfriend so often that i feel damn fucked up. been crying so often nowadays despite me promising myself not to cry. i tried not to during my grandfather's funeral...but it's hard. haha...and hockey trainings which seems to be never-ending. i just find it hard to cope with all this shit. it seems to me i have to take everything in my own hands before they would work out fine. my vice cap is an utter slacker....maybe i ought to recommend him to be captain instead...so as to instill a certain sense of responsibility into him. haha...but i just can't seem to do it though. i just suck at this man. if only i could just turn back time and set things right. i just can't seem to do the right things with what little time i have left now. i'm just so screwed.

Here's a mood test i did at http://www.colorgenics.com
Results:
You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.
You are finding the present situation extremely demanding and you're having difficulty coping with it. A great deal of strain is involved and you would really like everyone and everything to leave you alone for a while, just so that you can put everything into perspective.
You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.
Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments. It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone - to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.
Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was.
-forgot my name at 4:05 AM