Sunday, January 30, 2005

Book Wishlist

The Cleric Quintet - R.A. Salvatore
Legacy of the Drow - R.A. Salvatore
Paths of Darkness - R.A. Salvatore
Gunslinger - Stephen King
A Song of Ice and Fire next book - George R.R. Martin
The Hobbits (maybe) - J.R.R Tolkien
Dan Brown books (maybe).
still haven't really got out of fantasy shit yet. just bought The Elder Gods by David & Leigh Eddings. gotta start clearing the unread books on my shelf first.

-forgot my name at 2:32 PM

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Drive

hmm...went for my first practical driving lesson today. my instructor's a lady. probably in her mid 30s. a pretty nice lady who impressed me a lot through the way she drove and the techniques she tried to teach me durin the 2.5 hour lesson today.
it's a totally new experience for me. had a chance to really drive on the main road today which was like kinda scary for me. i didn't dare to accelerate too much just in case someone just ran across the road without lookin out for cars. didn't exceed 50km/h throughout the whole journey. just basically maintained it at 30-40 km/h...it was a rather short route. just did lots of loops around the estate area. feel kinda bad for hogging up the traffic on the road but they can't blame me, everyone's gotta go through the stage i'm going through right now. at least no one honked at me for movin too slowly. they basically just overtook like no one's business. kinda demoralizin tho. never mind.
managed to complete today's schedule way before the 3 hour lesson time frame probably cos i told the instructor i could drive a little when she asked me bout it. so she just basically remind me on some of the things i ought to take note of before i drive then she handed me the wheel. cool. hell was i nervous when i took over the wheel. totally didn't know what to do. but she was patient with me and yeah could correct me on all the things i did wrongly. i tried to listen but nothing seemed to go into my head cos i was busy focusin on the road ahead. i just basically tried to make an impression of what she said. guess i must've stalled about 5-7 times altogether today. but none on the main road luckily. otherwise i would've caused hell of a big traffic problem. learnt how to do parallel parking and a '3 point turn' meaning you gotta do something similar to a U-turn but in a more complex manner. i don't know how to illustrate it over here. could do the two without much of a prob. and those two items are included in the test itself. guess it won't be hard for me to pass the driving test (",) still having problems with stopping on a slope and trying to get the car moving after stopping halfway up the slope. could roughly make out what to do but i gotta practise more if i wanna pass the damn test. still got a lot of things to work on: confidence level in driving on the main road, stop at a traffic junction and then turn out of a traffic junction, stop on a slope and get it moving again. hopefully the next drive would be a smoother one. wish me luck.

-forgot my name at 1:00 AM

Friday, January 21, 2005

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-forgot my name at 1:58 AM

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

......

couldn't think of an appropriate title for this entry. brain's kinda dead right now as i was saying just now. been feeling lethargic recently. i wonder why. maybe i'm gonna grow old and senile just sitting at home rotting everyday. what a life!
think i'm kinda fucked up. i always somehow seem to lose interest in something after i get it. just ordered a new comp from the dell website a couple of days ago. i was like 'woah' at all the tech specs and stuff previously. now that i'm waitin for the comp to be delivered, i'm beginnin to wonder if i should've gotten the comp at all. i'm always like that it seems. whatever things that i crave for, once i manage to lay my hands on it, the interest just -poof- disappears. guess i'll never be able to change this bad attitude.
shan't blog further. feeling way too tired. again. shall blog again another time.
Quote of the day: "We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." (How apt for the situation i'm experiencing everyday.)

-forgot my name at 2:26 AM

Monday, January 17, 2005

Jimmy Eat World - The World You Love

I got a story it's almost finished
all I need is someone to tell it to,
maybe that's you.

Our time is borrowed and spent too freely
Every minute i have needs to be made up
but how?
I'm looking for a nice way to say
"I'm out."
I want out

i fall asleep with my friends around me
only place i know, i feel safe
im gonna call this home

the open road is still miles away
ain't nothing serious we still have our fun
oh we had it once

but windows open and close
thats just how it goes

dont it feel like sunshine afterall
the world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to be

im in love with the ordinary
i need a simple space
to rest my head
and everything gets clear
well im a little ashamed for asking
but just a little helps it gets me straight again
helps me get over it

it might seem like a dream
but it's real to me

dont it feel like sunshine afterall
the world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to be

you should see the canals are freezing
you should see me high
you should just be here
be with me here
it doesnt seem theres hope for me
i let you down
but i wont give in now
not for a million nows

-forgot my name at 1:41 AM

Saturday, January 15, 2005

another boring day. tomorrow gotta go for some dumbass driving lecture again. and there i would be, stoning for i-wonder-how-many hours. what an interesting way to kick start my weekend. was intending to go join the guys for training at delta tomorrow morning. yeah life's full of shit. the first piece of news when i woke up was that i had to go for the shit. i wonder if it'd be possible to skip the thing though, i can just imagine myself sitting there like some dumbass while the malay lecturer goes on and on and on about some driving shit which is in a language i can't comprehend.
chinese new year's coming. wonder if i should go back and visit my beloved teachers. didn't go back last year and they all went off before i got there the previous year. still don't know how i'm supposed to face my form teacher actually. doubt she knows i repeated. but whatever. i've finally graduated. (",) just gotta take things a step at a time i suppose. shan't nag too much. this is a crap entry.

-forgot my name at 1:54 AM

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Alas

i've finally passed my theory test and all ready to hit the road and kick some dirt in your face. right in your face. yeah u. not exactly exhilarated or whatsoever upon getting the result cos quoting from my friend Dinesh, "haha..dis kinda thing also can fail..." that's what he said to me when i told him i failed the first time. that was really damn funny. cos i thought so too and i flunked it. i must be stupid or something. doesn't seem so easy for people to pass on the first try. most of the folks whom were taking the test today failed too from what i could gather. 46/50. was aiming for full marks but some questions were really like 'huh?' so i did my best. passed nonetheless. today's definitely gotta be a good day cos it started off well. (",) went to the testing center then there was this chick over there...not exactly damn pretty but can be said to be the 'cream of the crap' over there. i was waiting for my result when she came and sat down beside me cos there was no other seats. she's supposed to take the test in the next shift yea so both of us were waiting. then she suddenly talked to me! (",) should be like one of the rare times where some unknown gal would talk to me (ok maybe it's the first. so what?). yeah then blah blah blah we talked for a while asked bout my test and where i studied etc. she's waiting for her O level results and me for my A level results. just when we kinda hit it off, it's time for her to go for her test. that's like how fucked up. argh. didn't even know her name or whatsoever. oh well...i'm better off on my own. eh wait. i'm supposed to be gay anyway. so who cares bout gals?

-forgot my name at 7:25 PM

Monday, January 10, 2005

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps

Pack up
I'm strange
enough
Oh say say say you'll
Say say say you'll
Say say say you'll
Say say say you'll
Say say say..

Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Maps...........
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you

Made off
Don't stray
My kinds
Your kind
I'll stay the same

Pack up
But don't stray
Oh say say say
I'll say say say..

Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Maps...........
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Maps...........
Wait.
they don't love you like I love you
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Maps...........
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you
Maps...........
Wait.
they don't love you like I love you

interesting name for a band eh? yeah yeah yeahs. made up of one guitarist and a drummer plus a female vocalist. a totally cool song this is. although you might be wondering how come i'm listening to a song with this kinda sappy love song kinda lyrics. it doesn't sound like a sappy love song at all anyway. hear it for yourself. first saw their performance on the mtv video awards 2004. they did this song on stage and it's like totally cool i would say. they truly amazed me. haven't really heard any songs pretty much like this before. a refreshing track to add to my playlist.
guess this month's phone bill's gonna be blasted considering the amount of time i waste online everyday. maybe it's time i should get a broadband connection and a new pc. but i'm like procrastinating whether to get the pc that i think is a good buy. somehow i'm wondering if i ought to get a notebook instead. i'm such a wuss. can't even decide on a simple thing like this.
been thinking bout a whole lotta crap recently. i really have no fucking idea what i'd be doing over the next few months, let alone say the following years. somehow i don't see any meaning in pursuing my studies in university once again. don't see any point in doing so other than just like wasting more than 20k a year simply on studying. maybe the money ought to be put to better use by my parents or by me even. (",) it wouldn't happen i guess. unless i have a flawless alternate plan other than going to university. somehow i just don't know how and where to start. i'm such a fucking procrastinator. maybe i ought to just rot my balls off and whine over all the stuff that i didn't manage to do.

Numb

sometimes i really wonder if i've seen and heard too fucking much of the real world. it's a far too complicated world out there. everything's so different from what every other person at my age should be experiencing. in my parent's eyes, i'd probably always be that wilful kid who always wanted things to go my way without fear of repercussions. i'm like forever such a worthless piece of crap in their eyes i suppose. no matter how hard i try. i don't know. i really don't know what they think of me. i don't suppose they think much of me anyway. it's just so hard to be me. maybe i try too hard to make everyone happy. seriously speaking, how i long for the feeling of being praised by them for doing something right once again. but it doesn't seem to happen anymore. nothing about me is worth any praise at all i suppose.
sometimes i really wonder why the hell am i working so hard for when my efforts are like unappreciated by them. i don't feel justified at all sometimes. after all that i've done, they would still scream at me over the slightest thing that i've done that's not to their liking. it's just so fucked up. i have my own temperament also. i don't even think they know me. how can anyone possibly know me when they don't even ask about what i do outside nor do they talk to me about school and stuff. what right do they have to criticize me when they don't even know what i've been doing? it's not like i don't want to tell them, but it's like do they even care? and somehow we have problems agreeing with something most of the time. so how do u expect me to tell them my problems? they tell me all their problems and i try to solve the problems together with them. but who the fuck do i tell my problems to? no one.
i'm so tired of putting on a tough front and face the world each day with a smile. it's hard. really hard. ever since primary school i've learnt how to solve problems on my own. i dare say i'm not reliant on my parents to solve any of my problems be it in school or out of school. it just sucks. i only remember two occasions where i turn to my parents for assistance. most of the time i simply live with the pain and suffer in silence. it's just so typical of me. keep everything to myself. not tell anyone about it and just work things out on my own. guess i've figured out why i'm still so reluctant to do anything about my future. i'm scared. i'm so scared of getting out of my home where i am left to deal with the fucked up side of the society all alone. i'm so scared of having to be strong again. just let me feel protected. at least for a few more months...

-forgot my name at 2:47 AM

Saturday, January 08, 2005

-forgot my name at 11:51 PM

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don�t believe it makes me real
I�d thought it�d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it�s in my soul
I�d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I�m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don�t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it�s so crazy that nothing can save me
But it�s the only thing that I have

If you believe it�s in my soul
I�d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I�m better off on my own
(On my own!)

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn�t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It�s hard to believe meIt never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it�s in my soul
I�d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I�m better off on my own

it's raining again now. another damn cold night. that's a pretty nice song. just heard it on radio today. guess i'm kinda into those gloomy rock nowadays. kinda suits my mood too i suppose. or am i just trying to psycho myself into believing that i'm better off on my own? i don't know man.
life's pretty much the same everyday. nothing pretty much worth blogging about. cos i'm practically doing the same shit every day. was like supposed to purchase a Dell computer which is quite a good buy over the internet but somehow i didn't. i don't really know why. the promotion's over already. no point regretting either. guess i'll just hafta sit and wait to see if there's gonna be any other exceptional promotion comin up. my comp's really laggy even as i'm typing this blog entry. what a piece of junk. but it's better to have nothing at all so yeah. whatever.
oh this topic was like brought up several times between me and a few friends. is it really that almost every other guy would have the experience of being approached by a girl before? how come i never seem to have such honour. hmm...i wonder why. fuck it.

-forgot my name at 2:33 AM

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Crap

at last something out of the ordinary has happened in my ordinary life. went for my theory test this morning at 8am. guess what, i failed!! haha..that's like so damn funny. i wonder why. but i just feel like laughing out loud that i failed my theory test. missed passing mark by 2 points. and i thought how could anyone fail this shit. here i am, failing the test for the first time! haha..guess my mind's blasted. ain't getting enough sleep the past two days.

-forgot my name at 1:44 PM

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Escape

things have not been looking fine. feeling damn sick of doing all the things i am supposed to do. e.g. taking driving tests and having to help my parents do this do that. feel so out of breath sometimes. with all the stress and tension around me all the time. fucked up.
haven't exactly got time to do what i really feel like doing. no companion or rather no company at all to do things that i wanna do. sometimes it just feels so dumb to study in singapore whereby i don't get to meet people that stays in malaysia. so when i'm like back here at the comfort of my own home, i could basically do nothing other than sit and stare at the computer screen or tv screen or the ceiling for all that matters. feel like going for tae-kwon-do lesson as i read through a pamphlet lookin for interested students. they'll be conducting lessons near my place then on second thoughts, i'd better not go. it'll be like so lonely and all to be there alone and probably full of 5,6 year olds. that sucks. sometimes i really do wonder whether i had made the right choice in wanting to study in singapore. i seriously don't know man. i freakin hell made the fucked up decision when i was like...6 or 7 years old...it was like after finishin a term in a msia pri sch then my parents asked whether i wanted to study in singapore. somehow i think i said i wanted to. at least i vividly remembered that part of me nodding or something. a new chapter of my life thus unfolds.
everything seems so fucked up to me all of a sudden. i wonder why. even my body seems to be giving me problems again. my backbone's aching again. and my knee's hurting again even when i walk. it's like so fucked up. the injuries doesn't seem to heal and probably it'll never heal unless i spend freakin lots of money going to see the specialist who just gives me a few pills and ask me to take plenty of rest. it should be a form of slipdisc in my back and a right knee tendititis. maybe i ought to stop doing sports and start rotting my butt off or simply grow fat and be slaughtered eventually. (",)

-forgot my name at 11:18 PM

Monday, January 03, 2005

Lost Prophets - Last Train Home

One! Two! Three!

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

Well we sing if we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing if it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love

But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing with out a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again

Encore

the track above is a great one. it's just like a typical kind of 'my song' as those who know me would put it. i'm supposedly into loud music and all but it ain't just loud music i'm into. the lyrics of course hafta make some freakin sense too. i'm definitely not into those lovey dovey kinda shit. doesn't make much sense to me when almost all the songs out there sings of almost the same crap that ain't realistic.
it's been hell of a long time since i last blogged. strictly speaking, i wasn't able to rather than i didn't want to. there were like several occasions when i was inspired to type down about some crap in my life but i just couldn't get onto the net. my comp's been down for about two months and the palmtop i've been using can't freakin load java so i wasn't able to blog. the whole blogger is java driven.
the time is 3 am now. this is so typical of me to blog at a peaceful time like this. my mind seems to be able to function extremely well between 2 to 4 am. at least for blogging. seriously i believe very very few folks would ever check my page for new blog entries cos i'm such an inconsistent bastard. whatever. i just need a lil space like this to rant about life and all.
life's been pretty hectic during the examinations period and i sure got to know much more about the people whom i've been hanging around for the past one and a half years or more. it's kinda amazing how examinations could bring different groups of people to study together for the same cause. and just when you thought you got to know them better, things turn around dramatically as the examinations end. where's the so-called friendship or even the so-called brotherly bonds that we were supposed to be sharing. it's a new experience for me cos i'm not one who likes muggin in groups. i'm a loner. i either mug alone at home or i don't mug at all. i've learnt much more than i should about life in junior college now that i've been through it. it is indeed to make friends who are worthy to remain so for the rest of one's life. i used to think it was crap when someone said that but reality has hit me hard in the face. everything seems so blurry and everyone seems so fake all of a sudden. it's so hard to discern between genuine feelings and pretence. everyone's busy with their own stuff ever since the exams ended. nobody seems to know what each other is doing and most people doesn't seem to be too bothered about people whom they shared the one and a half years with. fuck the so-called 'brother' crap man. this ain't true friendship by my standards.
a great deal of crap has happened in a mere two months i would say. my parents' shop was like burgled twice in two months and they were nearly robbed again just recently. lost bout 10k of stuff and many other similar burglaries are like happening everywhere around with no sign of stopping. malaysia seems to be gettin more and more unsafe as days go by. gone were the days when people could walk freely on the streets at night without fear of snatch thieves sneakin up from behind. it no longer feels safe to stay at a spot to wait for my dad to pick me up at night. sometimes i really feel like getting myself armed to a certain extent. fuck those fucking fuckers who go around robbing people of their blood and sweat. police here is almost non-existent. they are just for show. how can one feel safe in a country whereby the police post opens at like 10am in the morning and closes before evening. all they could tell you is that they do not have enough manpower to go around catching all the thieves and all. fuck that. even with enough manpower, they'll just sit inside their air-conditioned office and rot their stinkin asses away. looks like this country ain't safe for decent folks to live in for long. gotta be thinking of a way out for my family and my extended family. probably should get my extended family and family and all to migrate to somewhere that's safer.
i can no longer vision a bright future ahead of me. i have no idea why. ever since the examinations ended, i've been feeling lost. guess everyone feels that way. but i feel more lost than ever. life's pretty unexpected. as usual. used to think that after the exams i could jolly well be on my way to ipoh to work for my uncle at the factory with my cousins and all who are helping him out. but it turns out that business has been declining ever since the liberalisation of the china economy. competition's tough out there. orders have been declining as we're unable to match up with foreign firms in terms of price. and to think that my uncle was like one of the pioneers in the field in the asean region. now he's left the manufacturing business wholly to my cousin who's on pretty good terms with me. i sure miss him. a smart guy although he didn't even complete his secondary school education. my uncle's shifted most of his operations to being a dealer for laser machines. it's good money by my standards. a whole lot simpler than the manufacturing business. just buy machines from china, sell it off here at a profit of 50-100%. meaning an average of 20-40k per machine sold. how simple it seems to earn big bucks. if only it was indeed so easy. probably i should have joined my uncle in his business when he offered me to 2 years ago. then maybe my cousin and i could've probably made a difference to the business. it's an interesting line and it has potentials in it i would say. but it's tough job. gotta be constantly changing to suit the trend. just in case you're wondering, to put it simply, it's an acrylic advertising business. meaning those display stands for digital cameras like Ixus and stuff. no, it ain't plastic. it's acrylic. miss those days when my uncle would drop by at my place in jb and ask me to bring him around in singapore to look for his business contacts. he would simply make me tag along and i'd get to enjoy fine dining and even hotel stay for free. maybe i ought to make a trip down to ipoh and stay there for some time to familiarise with the stuff that they're doing over there. it's been a long time since i made a trip down to the factory. intend to stay there after the results are out and try to work out a future over there if the circumstances permits me to. it would be fun to take over the business and all. nobody in the big family seems to be interested to take over the business other than the cousin of mine and probably me. we'll see. shit happens after all.
did i type too much shit again? damn. i didn't break my record of 2300+ words.
i really do look like the hoobastank kid below? crap.

-forgot my name at 3:50 AM